SSG 13 Ja'mir "title unknown " as song reworked

ja'mir,

this is quite lovely. the verse were excellent and the chorus was even better, beautiful lines.
perhaps another verse or two just to flesh it out.

great work,
sozay

Thanks Sozay,

I liked what I had written ( word wize ) but I think it needs something to pull it all together, another couple of verses are going through my head.... hopefull i will have it by the end of the day, any suggestions would be welcome.
At the moment it is academically sound, and the imagry works well, but i feel it hasn't found a soul yet !!!!!!!

till later
Go well
Ja'mir

Hi Ja'mir!!

I like what you've written. But as you said, it needs something to pull it all together. And I hope you'll forgive me, but I have no idea what this is about! I don't understand any of the chorus. Althought it's all quite beautiful. I'm looking forward to seeing the part that pull's it all together. I'm sure it'll be quite a "head-slapping" moment for me.

I imagine someone who is isolated from civilization, maybe in prison, or someone that has a job that keeps them isolated(the weather man at the south pole) :lol: or maybe I'm WAY OFF :P . :lol: nice imagery I agree with the others, just needs something to pull it together :D --the dog

this needs a title !!!!!!!!!

I left you in Kansas, Nashville and fame in my mind
Thoughts provoke my next big song it's going to be a hit this time
Too much going through my head too much silence in the air
I am cold from lack of touch a lonely game of solitaire

Miles and miles of endless road miraged under painted lines
Edged with spaced out silver poles , with dancing wires intertwined

I feel the pull deep inside reality so far away
My mind wrapped in golden cloud on a noiseless highway
So far from the maddening crowd wrapped in silent bliss
But needing warmth of human touch I dream, I reminisce

Miles and miles of endless road miraged under painted lines
Edged with spaced out silver poles with dancing wires intertwined

Only 10 miles to Missouri, and I'll sing a song or two
Then head on off to Nashville, I'm already missing you
A lonely night, in a lonely bar, playing my old guitar
Busking can be a lonely life, but one day I'll be a star.

Miles and miles of endless road miraged under painted lines
Edged with spaced out silver poles with dancing wires intertwined

Possible bridge : ??????
Pocketed thoughts and strobing lights,
mingled with twilight
Flashing in and out through out the night,
confusing my brain and my sight

sorry no prison or polar places here dog, but good suggestion for another assignment :lol: Scratch, hope itmakesmore sense now !!!

Go well
Ja'mir :?

Hey Ja'mir,

Makes worlds more sense to me now. And I think if you'd said "painted lines" in the original post, instead of "paper lines" I could have made sense of it then. I kept trying to figure out the connection of "paper lines" with the idea of a highway. Then I thought, maybe a telegraph operator in a remote area, that way, the paper lines and the wires made sense, but the highway didn't.

Anyways, looks good now. As for a title, how about something like, "Rising Star" or something along those lines?

You really pulled it together nicely.

hey ja'mir :D

just read this. your revision is great. and I think you should definitely keep your bridge, it's really excellent.

how about 'pocketed thoughts' for a title?

cheers,
bluenightangel

Thanks for the comments, like your ideas for titles, but not overly happy with the song as it stands..... and not to mention a bit rusty after months of doing nothing lyric wise. !!!!

Go well
Ja'mir

Jamir I tend to find my self bored in your songs with their predictability, I'm sure I'm alone in the way I feel but I had to say something none the less.

They almost fit together to well, like there is nothing unexpected or no excitement, just one line fits with another, and there is no sudden or unexpected change in any of the song.

Please don't take this the wrong way because I mean this in the most constructive way possible, you are an excellent writer, I'm just trying to get a thought or two in!

xposed: I don't think you need to worry about giving your honest opinion, that's the idea behind this board.

As for the song, I loved the re-write. Maybe it's the Kansas line, but for me it reminds me of the Wizard of Oz [how some think the grass is always greener] and the singer will eventually find out being a star is not all it's cracked up to be and wind up back home.

Another great job and I'd love to hear it.

Keep the faith

Hi Ja'mir

Nice rewrite - not sure about the bridge though. Tells a good story and the monotony of the highway with the long road analogy stands out for me. Good interpetation of the assignment as well.

Good work, good to have you back.

bob :)

PS if you're worried about your lack of productivity lyric wise over the last few weeks/months don't be. I've never been as prolific as some and I think my last submission was well before Christmas. I've never been in such a dry spell. I blame real life