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SSG 42


(@off-he-goes)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 1274
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This is my first attempt at Sunday Songwriter's Group in a long time. I picked this week to start again because the assignment is close to my heart.

This song is about a girl I once knew. We dated for a while, but we were really close for a few years. She moved to the city and got in a tough spot. She drank too much, got into drugs, quit school, got back in, and dropped out again. I visited her once after she moved, and we had a great time with some guitars, a bottle of rum, and some stories. She also came back once and stopped me on my way to lunch and came with me. We had a great time then to. But then her downward spiral started to happen. I've pretty much lost contact with her now, and I regret it. I'm moving into the city in two weeks, but I know that it won't change anything, we're different now. This is a sort of closure, as it's almost two years since she moved.

It's not close to finished yet, I want to fix the last bit of the first verse, add another verse, about her decision to leave, and make some kind of bridge.

Verse Chord Progression: G Em7 Cadd9

A couple of kids, dreamed bigger then this town
We broke all the rules, and turn it upside down
The songs we sung and laughs we shared
The moment in time was all we cared.

Theres a hundred miles between us & I know that it's not far
but I often sit and wonder of just where you are
I can't bring myself to call you I can't bring myself to write
I miss you in the day & dream of you at night

Photographs are peeling, and your blue eyes turn to grey.
I'm left with all the letters, the words you used to say.
Memories that linger, are worth there weight in gold
Little pieces if of you, pieces I can't hold.

Theres a hundred miles between us & I know that it's not far
but I often sit and wonder of just where you are
I can't bring myself to call you I can't bring myself to write
I miss you in the day & dream of you at night

Paul

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


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(@misanthrope)
Noble Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2268
 

Just 'wow', I love this. Make sure you post the next bits, and if you ever record it I'd love to hear it as well as read it.

ChordsAndScales.co.uk - Guitar Chord/Scale Finder/Viewer


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(@off-he-goes)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 1274
Topic starter  

Just 'wow', I love this. Make sure you post the next bits, and if you ever record it I'd love to hear it as well as read it.

Thanks man!

I'm hoping to record it soon. I got a uesd Berhinger preamp line up, so I'll try and have it up ina a few weeks.

Paul

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


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(@coatbutton)
Active Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 14
 

Wow. I got goosebumps reading this.


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 Bob
(@bob)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 912
 

Hi Paul

This is very moving as it is and meets your stated intentions really well. I can see why you'd want another verse but I'd put it between the two you have now rather than tagged on attheend. The second verse at the moment is a natural ending so I'd keep that where it is. Maybe one exploring the diverging paths your lives took to explain why you're no longer in touch.

Couple of lines seem just out of sorts withthe rest of the song and just some quick ideas for the two I can't quite catch hold of

The moment in time was all we cared.

to

That moment in time without a care (or something better)

and

I miss you in the day & dream of you at night

to

My first thought in the morning and my last at night - maybe a bit too dramatic but I'm sure you see what I'm driving at.

Otherwise this is a really good song.

Great stuff

Bob

My Soundclick Page

You are what you eat, eat well


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(@off-he-goes)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 1274
Topic starter  

Thanks Coatbutton!

Thanks Bob. I do plan on putting the new verse in between the two, because like you said, the one about the pictures does seem like a good ending.

Thanks with the couple line suggestions. Like I said, I don't like the last line of the first verse, I was stuck on it forever, and I pretty much put something there, just to put this online for help. I really like the one you suggested, and I might put that there.

I have to get around exact rhymes, where I put "cared" because it rhymes, but doesn't fit as well. "Care' while not being an exact fit, works much better.

Thanks again!

Paul

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2097
 

Hi Paul,
I like it so far well done, I look forward to hearing it. The only suggestion I would make is this:
Theres a hundred miles between us & I know that it's not far
but I often sit and wonder of just where you are
I can't bring myself to call you I can't bring myself to write
But I sometimes miss you in the day & dream of you at night

The only reason I suggest this is cos line 2 tells us that he thinks of her periodically but line 4 suggests that he's totally missing her all the time. Anyway just my thoughts, this is good .

Cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


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(@off-he-goes)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 1274
Topic starter  

Hi Paul,
I like it so far well done, I look forward to hearing it. The only suggestion I would make is this:
Theres a hundred miles between us & I know that it's not far
but I often sit and wonder of just where you are
I can't bring myself to call you I can't bring myself to write
But I sometimes miss you in the day & dream of you at night

The only reason I suggest this is cos line 2 tells us that he thinks of her periodically but line 4 suggests that he's totally missing her all the time. Anyway just my thoughts, this is good .

Cheers

Paul

Thanks Paul. Thats makes a lot of sense. I'll try and figure out something for that.

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


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(@embrace_the_darkness)
Honorable Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 540
 

Really like what you've got so far, keep going it's gonna be a great song once it's finished!! :D

Pete

ETD - Formerly "10141748 - Reincarnate"


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(@off-he-goes)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 1274
Topic starter  

Really like what you've got so far, keep going it's gonna be a great song once it's finished!! :D

Pete

Thanks Pete.

Vacate is the word...Vengance has no place on me or her...Cannot find a comfort in this world.


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(@misanthrope)
Noble Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 2268
 

Hi Paul,
I like it so far well done, I look forward to hearing it. The only suggestion I would make is this:
Theres a hundred miles between us & I know that it's not far
but I often sit and wonder of just where you are
I can't bring myself to call you I can't bring myself to write
But I sometimes miss you in the day & dream of you at night

The only reason I suggest this is cos line 2 tells us that he thinks of her periodically but line 4 suggests that he's totally missing her all the time. Anyway just my thoughts, this is good .

Cheers

Paul
I'm not sure about that one myself. I think you can miss someone without necessarily wondering where they are - you just know that they're not there and you wish they were. I see where you're coming from Paul, but I'm not sure that it needs explaining, and I definately think that putting 'sometimes' in the last line dilutes the strength of feeling a bit too much. Tricky one :?

ChordsAndScales.co.uk - Guitar Chord/Scale Finder/Viewer


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(@davidhodge)
Member Moderator
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 4485
 

Hi Paul

Not much to add. There's a lot of good emotion going on here and I can't wait to hear more.

Would like to put my two cents in on the last line of the first verse. Sometimes we get hung up on the line ahead of the trouble line and doing a little sleight of hand could help you get a better handle on things. Instead of:
The songs we sung and laughs we shared
The moment in time was all we cared.

You could alter the third line, opening up a whole new selection of possible endings, like:
We sang some songs and shared some laughs
While moments came and moments passed.

That's a little mundane, but I'm hoping you get the idea that when you're stuck on one line, sometimes a little change in the "partner" line will help.

Looking forward to the finished (or near finished) work.

Peace


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