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SSG Week 35 - "(Hard to) Sell Yourself

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(@embrace_the_darkness)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 539
Topic starter  

OK, I've got a busy week coming up and guitar playing in general is going to have to take a break, meaning no song writing at all is going to get done :( and I really wanted to keep up with the SSG and post each week, so I had a go.......

and... well..... it's dodgy, to say the least :? but it's better than nothing.....right?......right??.......... :?

(hard to) Sell yourself

Struttin' your stuff
All over the place
Eye shadow plastered
All over your face

Skirt too short
With a top too tight
You're making damn sure
You're alone tonight

'Cos you can't bear
To be left on the shelf
But you'll find it hard
To sell yourself
When you're ugly on the inside
Ugly on the inside

Your pretty smile
Will fade with the years
To be replaced
By lonely tears

So you're not fooling
Anyone's eyes
It's plain to see
How you're despised

And you can't bear
To be left on the shelf
But you'll find it hard
To sell yourself
When you're ugly on the inside
Ugly on the inside

comments are welcomed as always, and I'm sure you guys can improve this in a milion ways :lol:

Pete

ETD - Formerly "10141748 - Reincarnate"


   
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 Joe
(@joe)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 504
 

Actually, I like it. Simple, but meaningful. Well done. Looking forward to hearing it.


   
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(@ellenback)
Eminent Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 26
 

My skirt is NOT too short...LOL

I like this, a lot, Reincarnate...the only part I have trouble with is the 'shelf' word, and that's just a bias. I tried writing a song once with that word in it, and yes, it was to rhyme with 'self' and I just couldn't get it! It just sounded so cliche to me! But, yours works, a lot better than mine did.

Maybe she needs glasses, if she's got eye shadow plastered all over her face - hey, wait, how DO you put on eye shadow when you wear thick glasses? LOL

Your pretty smile
Will fade with the years
To be replaced
By lonely tears

I like this part best, I think. I've wanted to say that very same thing to many GRRRLS that think they're such hot stuff...wait till you get old and invisible, little girl! LOL

Good stuff for off the cuff, Reincarnate!

Elle


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

Hey Pete

No big red wow this time :lol: :lol: sorry about that

Just one little thing , and don't get me wrong I like this

If your ugly on the inside , doesn't that make you ugly on the outside ?

Like someone who thinks they are a ugly person , is usually very shy sort of person or is that just me ? :wink:

When you're ugly on the inside
Ugly on the inside <--- Your ugly on the outside as well

or

When you're ugly on the inside
Your beauty doesn't show

or

When you're ugly on the inside
There won't be any love

Just some ideas off the top of my head

Your writting is getting alot more graphic now days

I like how you are maturing as a writter good stuff

Keep it up

Trev

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Hey Pete,

Like Joe, I thought this was pretty good. Simple and straightforward... which are not always bad things. If there are some lines you don't like, you can fix 'em up later when you've got some time.

I had a few spots that I thought needed to change.

Should this have read:
Skirt too short
With a top too tight
You're making darn sure
You're not alone tonight

Also the line "How you're despised"; the implication of this line is that some else hates her, but I think the song is going for is that she only hates herself. I took a shot at fixing it ( though I'm guessing you'll be able to do better if you take the time ).
So you're not fooling
Anyone's eyes
You're bound and gagged
By store front lies

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Pete,
Yeah I'm with Joe and SP. Nice. I also stumbled over “You're alone tonight”, I kind of get what your saying, that even though she's gorgeous her soul sucks and until that changes she's going to be alone, but I think “You're not alone tonight” also works in this context, cos it shows how she is trying to deceive.
Also the despised line stands out maybe,
So you're not fooling
Anyone's eyes
Can't you see
How you're despised

Cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Regarding the line "You're alone tonight"... after reading Paul's comment on it, I may have been wrong about where you were going with it. If you're going that way, I think you'd be best to spell it out and do something like "You're making darn sure you're alone tonight in a stranger's arms".

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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(@katreich)
Prominent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 686
 

What I'm getting out of " You're alone tonight" line is the idea that even though she thinks she's dressed to attract, she is in fact doing the opposite, therefore guranteeing that she'll be alone. Of course, I could be wrong.................

Falling in love is like learning to play the guitar; first you learn to follow the rules, then you learn to play with your heart.

www.soundclick.com/kathyreichert


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

I guess I'm having trouble seeing it like that, since in my experience, any woman willing to wear a short skirt and a tight top will always find a sufficiently shallow man to be with her on any given night no matter how desperate or clingy she may be. :( Unless we're talking long term in the song, she won't be alone, she will only feel alone.

Maybe we have to wait for Pete to enlighten us.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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(@barnabus-rox)
Famed Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2957
 

My skirt is NOT too short...LOL
Maybe she needs glasses, if she's got eye shadow plastered all over her face - hey, wait, how DO you put on eye shadow when you wear thick glasses? LOLElle

Very s l o w l y :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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(@embrace_the_darkness)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 539
Topic starter  

Thanks for the comments everyone!

It's interesting to see that you all took that line in a different way. When I wrote it, I was going for what Katreich said:
even though she thinks she's dressed to attract, she is in fact doing the opposite, therefore guranteeing that she'll be alone.

I'll definately have a look and see what I can re-write to clear it up a bit though. :D

Trev: you said If your ugly on the inside , doesn't that make you ugly on the outside ?
My response would be "no"; I've known some people who, on the surface, appear to be very attractice - when you scratch that surface, boy is it a different story. And thanks for the kind comments! :D

Slowplay: n my experience, any woman willing to wear a short skirt and a tight top will always find a sufficiently shallow man to be with her on any given night no matter how desperate or clingy she may be
I agree here actually, so I think that a re-write of that line is definately needed.

Thanks again everyone!

Pete

ETD - Formerly "10141748 - Reincarnate"


   
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