SSG week 43--Lonely Night

Hey, nice work. The chorus bothered be though, it dosen't seem to flow right. You might want to try shortening it up a bit. For Example:

You're not coming back, I've done nothing wrong
The truth is haunting me
You're not coming back, the memories are strong
They just keep haunting me.

Also I think it would flow better like this

The moon was full, that lonely night
while waves chrashed on the shore
You said from beneath your breath
"I won't be used no more"

The beach is quiet, a lonely night
The horizon appears so far
I'd do anything to have you back
I'd catch a falling star

This is just the way I would change it, if I were writing, or editing the song.
All in all, its very nice...Keep up the good work! :P
~PauL~

Tokai,

Nice song,although it does seem a bit ''wordy'' in places. Off He Goes makes some good points. A little editing and polish could go a long way on this one. All & all though good work with nice imagery.

Celt

Tokai,

I would second (or third) off he goes and the Celt. You have a terrific song here, with good imagery, and a tried and true story line that will always resonate with a large number of listeners. The meter could be tightened up a bit in spots, as was already mentioned. And I'm not sure why you switched from second to third person in the last verse. I think had you kept singing to the gone girl, it might sound better. Overall though, very nice.

-- Scratch 8)

Hi'a Tokai,

I picked up the change in tense as well, but that is only because it is one thing i do without thinking and have to try and correct it later, I think our minds go faster than our brains sometimes. A good read but i think a tad long for singing.

Go well
Ja'mir

but i think a tad long for singing.
Of course you do! :wink:

It's probably just fine if you take out the second chorus. But I'm not the best one around to advise on length.

-- Scratch 8)

Thanks for the suggestions I have made a few changes to the chorus, however the verses will have to remain as written (they fit the simply chord pattern I've been toying with for three or four months. now if I can just work out the chords for the chorus)Thanks again............my reply is my kiss of death off to oblivion I go.see you next week

The sun is setting, to start another lonely night
The clouds are hiding shades of blue
I should have lied to you, then things would be alright
And I could still be holding you

The moon was full, on that same lonely night
The wave were crashing on the shore
I heard you saying as you walked into the night
You won't be using me no more

Chorus
You're not coming back, and I've done nothing wrong
The truth keeps on haunting me
You're not coming back, and the memories are strong
They just keep on haunting me

The beach is empty, on another lonely night
The horizon twinkles with a star
I'd do anything to have you back tonight
I'd catch those falling stars

The planets align on two years of lonely nights
You were much more then a friend
And because rainbows don't live in lonely nights
I know there will be no rainbows end

Chorus
You're not coming back, and I've done nothing wrong
The truth keeps on haunting me
You're not coming back, and the memories are strong
They just keep on haunting me

Hey Vin

I do like the revised version better the first version didn't seem like you at all(well at least the you I used to know) lets here the finished version.

P.S.
The kiss of death---I have noticed that.

Tokai,

Very good rewrite Everything Flows better now. Nice work!

Celt

Tokai,

Very nice! the re-worked version is wonderful.

-- Scratch 8)

Thank You

This one may even be finished soon, got the chords for the chorus figured out...I think, but simplfied the chords for the verses. hope to have it recorded soon and up on Adams site, which is still having technical difficulties.

Hey Vin

How do you simplify something that was already simple???????????
Aug 31
they fit the simply chord pattern I've been toying with for three or four months
Sept 3
but simplifed the chords for the verses