SSG - Week 45 - I want that bear - by manontheside with MP3

Great theme Mots,

Some juicy imagery too. I loved the first verse, expecially "shouting over the roaming rides" - for some reason "roaming rides" just seemed one of those unusual but happy marriages of words. Some people might think "eh?" but it hit the spot for me.

"Peaceloving people put the pedal to the metal" had a good hooky sound to it too. Would be great to sing, and gets you wondering where that's going to go.

"The lovers in the ferris wheel snuggle as they ride" gets you in too - who can resist wondering where that's going.

I think this has the makings of a real cracker if you can take it all the way. :D

Hey MOTS,
I take my hat off to anybody that can tell a narrative type of story in a song as opposed to a metaphoric story. I think youve done pretty well :D. The underlying thread for me was the feeling and exitement of the fair, especially the way we used to feel when looking through childrens eyes, which comes across well. Not having heard it I dont quite know what it is like as a song but I lke it.
As far as suggestions go, I did a rewrite (hope you dont mind) in the style that I would have written this song. Thats not to minimise your version in any way but more to give you some ideas how someone else might have written it. The last line is a bit naff :oops:. Anyway you can take or leave all, or parts of it, as you want. Good effort on your part :D .

"One last chance", "One last chance"
says the bald man in the sidestall
shouting over the noise of the rides
Like the line of lights moving endless
Patient queues circle around outside

The carousel spins,
Out a melody with flutes
that sound of the merry-go-round
You've heard it before the excitement recalled
Remembered from days of your youth

CHORUS:
I want that bear
that big, big bear
even if I have to stay out here all night
I'm just a tiny bit distracted,
give me one last chance
Just one last chance, alright

Peace loving people
put the pedal to the metal
bloodlust can be seen in their eyes
Out to get everyone that gets in their path
And maybe just injure your pride

On the wheel lovers snuggle
as they ride up and down
can't wait to get out of their cart
And head for the tunnel
to cuddle some more
Sweet candy sweet smile and sweet heart

CHORUS

I agree with the bit said about its a good story of the fairground! Its told as if you were looking around and seeing all the things happening and people around.

It's a coincidence that i went to the fair last week!! and was in this situation (hope that doesn't make me bias) I was with my 4yr old niece and was on a stall trying to win her something by throwing darts at a impossible board! (it stiches you up everytime! and the game didn't really work, I hit a five and said what does that mean according to the rules and she said i'm not sure, took it out and said throw it again!! - anyway i wont go into it anymore!) the point was i was spending loads trying to win her something and the woman on the stall kept saying "do you want another try?" then i had spent so much money on the game i was about to walk off and she said "one last chance? I'll give you a prize win or lose" (probably because i had just handed over enough cash to buy two of the toys!

whoops... that went on a bit!

Nice song - I agree with ChrisC
I think this has the makings of a real cracker if you can take it all the way.

so be sure to post the updated version!

J.

And that is EXACTLY why I dont go to fairs. LOL Good job. Brought back horrible memories.

Geoo

And that is EXACTLY why I dont go to fairs. LOL Good job. Brought back horrible memories.

Geoo

Yep...we've got a county fair going on tonight, and I have just be talked out of going :)

It gives me an excuse to sit home and play guitar anyway.

CHORUS:
I want that bear
that big, big bear
even if I have to stay out here all night
I'm just a tiny bit distracted,
give me one last chance to win outright

The lovers in the ferris wheel snuggle as they ride
from up to down, around, around
can't wait as they wait to get out of their cart
and head for the tunnel of love
cuddles soothing them like purple heart

purple heart is a long acting sedative by the way

thats just an idea cheeeers!

Good stuff MOTS,

My only nitpick is with the first part of the chorus. I didn't get what you meant by it until I start writing this message asking what it meant. I was thinking circus bears riding tricycles :) and I was thinking, "does the kid really think he's going to get a bear?" I get it now, but I may not have been the only one in the dark. Maybe instead of bear you could say "teddy" (oh, but that's got two meanings too, doesn't it? :oops: ). I guess maybe something about wanting one last ride on the roller coaster or the tea cups or something could work. Or maybe I'm just slow.

Again, good stuff.

in reply to Slowplay's comment

maybe put the chorus after the first verse then it might link the "the bald man in the sidestall smiling" to "that big, big bear " a little better

but i knew what it meant the first time i read it, but then like i said i have been to the fair recently so.......

........ :? :?: i dunno

its down to the writer :wink:

J.

I dunno, when I was a kid. I would walk up and lay my .25 down (ya.. long time ago) and I some how figured if I knocked the pins down I was going to get that REALLY REALLY big bear that hung above the carnies head. I didnt want the little bear. I wanted that Big ONE!!!!! :oops: :lol:

Geoo

Wow! Tons of replies! I thought I'd receive a shrug and "I like teddybears" :oops:

First of all, thanks for all the kind words, they mean a lot. I haven't been able to sit down and work with the lyrics since I posted them, but I'm hoping to get something done today or tomorrow.

I'm having a major problem figuring the melody out, it comes across as happy/sad and I don't really know what to aim for. The song was meant to be a bit lighthearted and bright, but it seems I have awakened many tragic memories of throwing balls through holes that are only painted on walls, till your arm goes numb :roll: Not intentionally! :)

I liked what you did pbee, I'll keep an eye on your suggestion as I edit. I liked "And maybe just injure your pride", sort of fits well, I think :)

SlowPlay;
"does the kid really think he's going to get a bear?" :lol:

Would jimbobs idea to put the chorus after the first verse solve that?
If I replace bear with teddy, the whole meter falls apart (not that it -really- matters, seeing as I haven't completed the music to go along yet)

Oh, bonus question.. I was googling and searching for the right words to glue the song together and there was one I couldn't find. What's that candy-thingy called that is pink (or is it white? :? ) and puffy and sticky and is only sugar (or so I believe...)? I just couldn't find it and nearly pulled out a hair on my head in anger :evil:

Cotton candy?

Oh, and I immediately got the bear line. In fact, I immediately pictured a little girl saying it. But, yeah, I think if you put it right after the first verse, or even rearrange the verses, it'd be clearer. That happens to me a lot, and I don't wanna have too many choruses or verses, so I end up having to rearrange it. You did paint a pretty clear picture. I was thrown when I got to the blood thirst line because I was thinking merry, and suddenly...it sort of wasn't, but that's not a bad thing. Just mix up the chords a little. Use major chords for the happy stuff, and then go into minor for the slightly darker or sadder stuff. Makes for a great song. I did like the wounded pride line that someone wrote. But so far, I like your "forced" alright line the best out of any of the suggestions. Not sure I would've realized it was forced if you hadn't told me. Maybe you could put a question mark there. And even sort of speak that part in the song. The purple heart line is clever, but I'm not real crazy about it, especially since most people probably wouldn't know what it was. I think you've got the right idea about cotton candy, and someone mentioned sweethearts...can't remember if they mentioned sweet tarts too. If not, maybe throw that in there. I'm sure you'll come up with something good on your own, so I won't even suggest anything. else to crowd your brain, anymore. I think you've got plenty to work with. Post when you get there. Would love to see it.

Joe

Would jimbobs idea to put the chorus after the first verse solve that?

Yeah, it would be clearer, but it seems I'm the only person who had trouble with it, and even I got it before I could finish asking about it, so don't sweat it.

Cotton candy?

YES! :D

Well, I've managed to put the chords to go along now. I changed a few bits and pieces around. I feel I could use the cotton candy more, but I think it fits nicely there as a last line as well, serving it's purpose sweetly :)

I just thought I'd edit and start thinking of getting a new battery for my guitar so I can record it :?