Well....I haven't been here in a really long time, but I figure now's a good time as any to jump back in and catch up on what I've been missing. So here it is. Funeral for Gig Shooting Victim.
Five minute ago I had been on stage
Playing fast as I could, trying to make way
Not so worried just having fun
And then this guy comes, and shot me down!
The sound that I'll never forget
The moment of that eternal gig
The lights that flashed in my eyes
Not so fake now but a part of my life
Now my eyes are unseeing yet can't keep shut
The blood, the horror, the whole new rush
Everything becomes like a dream
Or a nightmare ending my shame
Now it seems like it was all a waste
My life nothing but a page erased
What had I done that was so great
What was so terrible to deserve this fate
The sound that I'll never forget
The moment of that eternal gig
The lights that flashed in my eyes
Not so fake now but a part of my life
From far away I look down
My body just a hole on the ground
The fans rushes to my aid
But the killer has gone, it's way too late.
Too late, for redemption
Too late, to say no way
Too late, to have my say
Too late.
Hi'a BlackSwan,
good to have you back after sooooo long.
Good use of headline, even if a bit sad, I hope nobody thinks of shooting me when I'm singing out ( I also worry about rotten tomatoes being thrown at me )
The only constructive crit that I can make is your use of tenses, they are a bit mixed up which can be confusing for example in the first verse:
Five minute ago I've been on stage
Playing fast as I can, trying to make way
Not so worried just having fun
And then this guy comes, and shoot me down!
As it was five minutes ago, it should all be in the past tense....i would have said
Five minute ago I had been on stage
Playing fast as I could, trying to make way
Not so worried just having fun
And then this guy came, and shot me down!
Otherwise a nice read.
Go well
Ja'mir
:wink:
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hi Jamir, thanks for the crit. The tenses are all fixed now.
And I'm glad to be back :D .
I personally liked it better as it was before the change. I think that teh first line 'five minutes ago' brings teh song back five minutes and then takes place in that time. I just think that it brings more imagination and creativity into the song. But either way is fine.
I liked the song. Keep it up!
There's a thin fine line between hate and rage.
Now watch the line be crossed and break!
