Hi gang,
I'm not sure how close I came to the assignment, and I kinda stole what I consider to be the best lines from Merle Haggard. But I think it's different enough from his that I can call it my own. In any event, it still needs a LOT of work, but I got enough of it done that I felt like I could post it this week.
Thanks for looking it over:
I wish
====
The snow looks soft and peaceful
when you see it from inside
but when you're living in it
sometimes you'd rather die
I see her every morning,
at the edge of the old schoolyard
I'm sure that she was beautiful,
but now she just looks hard.
v1.
how I wish I could sing you home,
back to your Mama's arms,
when you're feeling so alone
the comfort of four walls,
and a belly full and fed,
and a safe warm place,
to lay your weary head.
Percy wears six overcoats,
he don't feel things anymore,
They say he was gassed,
way back during the war.
he swears and he mumbles,
as he stumbles through the street,
looking for anything to eat.
v2.
Don't I wish I could sing you young,
back before the war,
when everything was fun.
when running through the streets,
and basking in the sun,
were more important than
how to clean your gun.
There are winos in the doorways,
and junkies in the street.
thinking 'bout their next fix,
feeling down and beat.
they'll rob, steal, or beg for dough,
while hiding from the heat,
until they leave here, wrapped up in a sheet.
v3.
I wish I could sing you free,
so the junk that floods your veins,
is a distant memory,
so you could start to care
about your family
and the future
is something you can see
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
If these are the lines that you (sorta) took from Merle Haggard then I would agree that you took the best lines from him:
Percy wears six overcoats,
he don't feel things anymore,
Otherwise I must disagree as these feel the strongest to me image and impact wise. Its just very... something. The hint at being thick skinned but saying it in a cool way.
Overall its very good in its imagery and gut response but feels a little loose language-wise... Like it wonders off the mark a bit... I don't know...
Reminds me of Leonard Cohen though... and I love me some Leonard Cohen.
-marv
Andrew Delaney & The Horse You Rode In On ---> http://www.myspace.com/andrewdelaney
You can and should buy my album "Scoundrels!" in mp3 format on amazon.com or iTunes etc...
Hey Scratch
Nice to see you writing again.
I must agree with Marv the lines about "Percy" really hit home.
It could overall be a little tighter but is good just the same.
John
Marv,
Percy was actually a real guy in our town when I was growing up. Maybe that's why those lines "took". Because they were from my experience. I know what you mean about wandering. I'm not terribly tickled with it. I'm just tired of not writing, so I'm working on discipline right now. The lines I was referring to were the first lines in the choruses. One of Merle's most popular songs was "Sing me back home".
Celt,
I know it needs work still, but it was Friday already, and the weekend doesn't show any signs of relief, so I just posted what I had. The assignment actually led me a different direction, but that song never "gelled."
Anyways, thanks for the feedback, I may try to re-work this one, or maybe I'll just try to work up a song about Percy.
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Hey Scratch, good to see you back - again!
"I may try to re-work this one, or maybe I'll just try to work up a song about Percy."
I don't think this needs much re-working, to be honest....seems fine to me the way it is, but if you're not happy, then why not re-work it in time AND do the song about Percy? Maybe if you left those lines out....or simply changed the name, you could always use them again....
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hi Scratch
As usual this is pretty strong stuff.
I like the way each chorus changes to address the needs of theverses that come before that's very clever.
I honestly don't think it needs any reworking
Good stuff
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
