I've been out of this for several years. I tried getting back into it a few years ago, and life got in the way again. So here we go again, hopefully I'll be able to be a more active participant this time. (lots of new names around here.)
So this is just a rough draft on the week 40 assignment. And it doesn't really have a chorus, --just 4 verses. But it's a start as I ease back into this.
========================
Karen you can never know
the feelings that I cannot show
and even though you can't
I wish you could.
I think about you every day
and all the things that I can't say,
dreaming all while
that I would.
Karen you chose to wed
someone else will share your bed
I hope that you're happy
with that man.
If we meet on the street
I'll smile real big when we greet
and I'll pretend to like him
if I can.
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
A good start but like you said it's only 4 verses. The theme is pretty universal. As you restart your writing engines, your rhymes will expand. Keep writing
Yes, -- writing is much like playing. If you don't practice you get rusty. It ain't like riding a bike! But I used to find the SSG to be an excellent source of a) prompts, and b) critiques. Thank you for your input. I appreciate you taking the time.
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Still some of the old names here, though....good to see you back after so long away!!!
Actually, going off the rhyming scheme, I'd say you've got two complete verses....the first two sections being the beginning, the third and fourth sections being the end. For me, it's the middle that needs developing - WHY did she marry someone else? WHY couldn't she ever know how you (the narrator) feels?
In my head, I hear this half-bluesy, half-folk with some sad harmonica between the verses.
BTW.....did you ever get around to recording - or putting music to - "Brother Ray?" Now THERE'S a blast from the past for you!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hi Scratch,
Congrats on getting back to writing :mrgreen:
Good start on this one :D The emotion of regret comes through as to wishing the singer had said something but didn't and is living with the consequences.
Suggestions:
#1 watch verb agreement with the time frame
Karen you chose {past tense} to wed
someone else will (Future Tense)share your bed
I hope that you're happy (present tense)
with that man.
consider:
Karen you chose to wed
someone else TO share your bed
I hope that you're happy
with that man.
#2
So maybe for the chorus we can hear the "why" the singer has repressed the vow of love....maybe the singer is shy, or feels unworthy of love, or maybe it's an elementary student with a crush on his teacher, or maybe the singer is also a woman and is afraid of same sex marriage/relationship, or the singee is a cousin or half-sister or other relationship in which the relationship would be taboo, or maybe the singee is in an arranged marriage and set it to Indian or Middle Eastern music....just brainstorming.
Keep writing :wink:
James
Vic, -- I did in fact notice that you were still around. And quite active. And that was a good note. I don't even remember "Brother Ray". The two songs I really liked from this group were "Gringo Joe", and "Bat Boy". Y'know, you can write 52 songs a year, and have 2 come out that you're proud of. But those two usually make up for the other 50. But now I have to go search for "Brother Ray". Anyways, it's good to be back in touch.
James -- I saw this (heard this) as a kind of a country -- folk type of tune, and sometimes you can play fast and loose with the grammar in that genre. Nonetheless, I liked your suggestions. They do clean it up a bit. However, I basically approached this as an exercise, and once tomorrow's assignment comes out, I'm not sure whether or not I'll revisit this one. Either way, I really appreciate the feedback. Thanks!
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
I don't even remember "Brother Ray".
http://forums.guitarnoise.com/viewtopic.php?f=22&t=7746
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Wow! That was about 8 years ago! No, I never put it to music, but I prolly ought to. Thanks for the link, I couldn't find it. I'm just starting to play / practice again, after about a 7 year lapse. So likely it'll take a while.
Also, speaking of blasts from the past, you prolly remember "Marvelous Optimist" His real name is Andrew Delaney, and he's got 3-4 CDs out now. He's really quite good. (always was, IMO). He's on Facebook, and has a few of his songs posted, and others available through iTunes. His band goes by "Andrew Delaney and the Horse Your Rode In On".
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Hi Scratch
And welcome back - great to see you again and to read your material. I don't have much to add to what's already been said, but I am looking forward to reading more from you.
And thanks, too, for the information on Andrew Delaney. Great to know that he's out there and now it looks like I've got to go buy some CDs!
Peace
I don't recall the name of his first CD, but the second one is called "Scoundrels" And it's really good. I've listened to some cuts from the most recent one, but I don't recall the title. I believe the third one was called "Would I Lie to You?" Anyways, if you find them, you'll enjoy them. All of the tracks are written by him, and he honed his writing chops right here.
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Good to hear someone has gone beyond "forum user" status. Hope he is making a good living from his art.
Last night, a friendly folkie asked "Do you know how to make a small fortune in folk music?"
The asnswer was "Start with a large fortune".
The asnswer was "Start with a large fortune". :lol: :lol: :lol:
scratchmonkey, hello and welcome back. In the first read I was longing for more specifics then realized you may have been going for a point in time perspective. I am looking forward to your comments and sharing your experience.
Welcome back from a new name who wasn't here 8 years ago.
I don't have much to add to the previous comments. I think you have a good start on the lyrics and I like the rhyming pattern with the first 2 lines rhyming and no rhyme in the last 2 lines.
Renee
Good to hear someone has gone beyond "forum user" status. Hope he is making a good living from his art.
I don't know if he's making a living at it. I think he still has his day job. But based on the FB posts I see, he is playing various venues regularly in the Dallas / Fort Worth area.
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
