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SSG11 Week 18 - Whe...
 
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SSG11 Week 18 - When I Was a Tree


(@kopfschmerzen)
Trusted Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 62
Topic starter  

Hi everyone! Here my lyrics for this week. Maybe I'll strum some chords later this week. Or maybe not Comments appreciated!

Verse 1:

Some time in the past
I was a tree
I new that I must
Cast a shadow for thee

If you were a stranger,
I gave you some rest
You asked for a shelter
I did all my best

Chorus:

What a life I had,
Endless and calm
I could simply forget
The last day will come

Verse 2:

If you were a bird,
I was your home
You were singing all day,
I listened alone

If you were a cloud
You fed me with rain
And I was, no doubt,
Much happier then

Chorus

Verse 3:

But you came with an axe
You said you need me
To build a new house
For others like thee

The last day had come
And I had no regrets
These days, being human
I keep doing my best


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(@chefie)
Honorable Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 553
 

Interesting take on the asssignment. Love the simplicity and the expression. I'm hung up on a few things;
Chorus:

What a life I had,
Endless and calm
I could simply forget
The last day will come

Generaly you keep the tree as something that simply provides . . . . . and suddenly in the chorus, the tree is taking on the human quality of thinking . . . . . not sure that fits.

Too
The last day had come
And I had no regrets
These days, being human
I keep doing my best

Not sure about the transition from a tree to a human. Wonder if you might consider this coming from a seedling . . . . . . continuing the line of the tree?

Just some thoughts.

Nice to have you part of the group.

Neil


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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2097
 

Hi Kopfschmerzen

Good stuff here. My take on your song is that the tree is a metaphor for the nature of the relationship that the narrator is having with someone else in this case it’s a one on one which of course changes in time as it must. One interpretation could see this being a couple that eventually have children in which case the one on one ceases and a one to others replaces it (he has no regrets). Of course that just the way I interpret it and that’s the beauty of metaphor as it lets the listener create their own world.
My only question would be the word “thee”. I’m assuming that English is not your first language (correct me if I’m wrong) but “thee” is a very old style word and I’m not sure is the best word to use in a modern song.

Keep up the good work

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


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(@andygetch)
Reputable Member
Joined: 10 years ago
Posts: 328
 

I like this. I like the change in form while keeping the direct address (you and I) perspective, it makes me think of the idea of reincarnation and that all life forms keep coming back and are all connected.

As a suggestion, the structure of verses and chorus are very similar. They have the same number of lines and a similar syllable rhythm. Have you thought about adding to the chorus? If you left it the same you could vary the chords and melody in the chorus to distinguish it from the verse. Just my two cents worth.

I look forward to the chord strumming :D

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=1228093


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(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 2852
 

Hi Kopfschmerzen,

Looks like a good start :D Having few lyrics will help fit many genres so go ahead and strum out some chords

BTW
I wrote a similar song using personification for the tree singing to a person
Y9W20 I Am Your Big Tree
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=10407553

Thanks for sharing.

James


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(@john-sargent)
Prominent Member
Joined: 12 years ago
Posts: 948
 

Nice poem. I hope to hear this.


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