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SSG2 Week 15 - Part 1

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(@mattutaylor)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 62
Topic starter  

Storyboard

Me and my girlfriend are madly in love and we are both very young, and have people telling us that its just "puppy love". We've all been there. Her parents DO like me, but dont agree with us having a serious relationship at our age, however, if they only knew what we really do feel for each other they would just let us get on with it. It's hard to explain, especially to adults, but there is something between us and if it was possible we would be together every minute of the day.

(Again you can tell this is going to be one of my Staind style love ballads hey?)

Verse 1
Explaining the situation between me and my girfriend. (Should i use her name?)
Telling of how her parents disapprove of a serious relationship at our age.

Chorus
Based as a song to her parents so I was imagining a chorus asking questions to them?

Verse 2
Saying that I know she's an only child and they dont want to see her hurt, but I wont hurt her, so just let her have her freedom.

Verse 3
Finally actually explaining (or at least trying to, cause its hard) just what she means to me, and that I would do anything for her.

Nice to get some comments back soon as i am very keen on writing this up.


   
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(@denim_tonque)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 17
 

Matt, What about a verse from the parents/mom/dads point of view? It might help get the issue your dealing with out there?
Maybe each verse could be from someone different; them, her, you......??
Looking forward to hearing it.


   
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(@mattutaylor)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 62
Topic starter  

Good idea, but i dont see how it gonna work as a serious song. I cant pretend to be her parents, and i certainly cant pretend to be her! It would be a challenge though.


   
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(@spam)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 18
 

Ah, yes, but it could work if you're not singing in the first person.  Try narrating it as a story maybe?  It might seem too distant, but on the other hand, you may find it difficult to just sing out about how you feel about this girl, and then in the chorus you are asking the parents something...I'm sure it could work but I just can't picture it...

I know...you could still sing in the first person but the plea to the parents could be indirect, like "I want to tell them I'm a good guy" instead of "Hey, parents, I'm a good guy" You might say in the chorus things you wouldn't dare actually say or ask them, just to make it more intense.

I would emphasize the frustration  and the intensity of your feelings as well as the sense of helplessness  and being stuck in an age you feel you are well beyond, where no one takes you seriously enough.

I think using her name is totally optional, It would work well with or without it, as long as it feels natural to sing it and listen to it.

Hope you enjoy writing this song; I'd love to hear the final version when you've written it

S


   
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(@davidhodge)
Member
Joined: 16 years ago
Posts: 4472
 

I have to agree that using what's called "multiple points of view" would make this much more interesting. Yes, it would be a challenge, but I think that that's the point sometimes.

One thing you could try is to make it a conversation. One verse being you talking, one being her and one being her parents with the chorus being something that could be sung by all three narrators.

Anyway you look at this, though, it'll be interesting to read how it turns out.

Peace


   
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(@mattutaylor)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 62
Topic starter  

I know...you could still sing in the first person but the plea to the parents could be indirect, like "I want to tell them I'm a good guy" instead of "Hey, parents, I'm a good guy" You might say in the chorus things you wouldn't dare actually say or ask them, just to make it more intense.

I would emphasize the frustration  and the intensity of your feelings as well as the sense of helplessness  and being stuck in an age you feel you are well beyond, where no one takes you seriously enough.

S

I really am keen on these 2 paragraph especially, and the second paragraph is something i 100% agree with.

I dont really wish to write it from 3 or 4 different points of view though. If i wanted to actually compose this song, I cant sing like a female (if at all) and whenever i hear about the chorus being sung by all 3 parties i cant help but hear "Another Brick in the Wall"! HELP!!!! Maybe its her parents  ;D.

However please please get some more critique back to me by the end of the day! You guys have been so helpful. Thankyou


   
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