hello, this is my first ever posting. I've only been attempting to write songs for about 8 months now, but have been reading the postings every week. Here is a song that sort of fits the description. Rather than being set at a party it is set at a pub, but that is only partly relevant as it isn't mentioned; however it is an observation of a particular pub-goer.
Well here goes:
Verse 1
You sit there like an exhibit to be watched
With your lips pursed and your head cocked.
Arms up and knees delicately spread,
you patiently work to draw him in.
Verse 2
Plenty of men send smiles your way
They gather around but you just look away
Touching your skin as they pass by
And eagerly try to draw you in.
Chorus
Week after week you can't understand why, the one that you want always passes you by
You try and move on, try and find someone new, but you know by next week you'll give in once again
Verse 3
Your hips swing, your skin glows
The room moves, your beauty shows
With eyes just for one, you dance all alone
You think when will he notice me.
You are what you eat, eat well
Hi Kath
Welcome to the SSG. I moved your song up here because tagging it on to the bottom of the weekly assignment posts can mean it gets lost. At least here you'll get some more feedback. Thanks to The Celt for a timely reminder of my moderating duties :wink:
I like the piece it's certainly well within the limits of the assignment. The idea works really well and is told with simplicity which is the key to this assignment.
The only quibble I have is with the chorus is it's ab it long, particularly the second line. However, depending what music you've got in mind, I reckon you'll lose some of the words in the singing and it'll work out OK.
Really good first post. Let's see some more. Hope you stick around.
Bob :D
You are what you eat, eat well
hey kath,
welcome to our ever exspanding little family here.
great first song to be posting. i get this slow slinky feeling from it (if that makes any sense) maybe a slow sexy jass music to go with it? just a thought.
nice choice of characters to describe. Your hips swing, your skin glows
The room moves, your beauty shows
nice imagery here.
am i right to assume that the chorus is meant to be four lines, but you made them into two for the sake of the assignment? very nice sentiment in the chorus. i totally understand where she is comming from there.
good over all job, and look forward to seeing more work from you in the comming weeks.
-CheapThrill
nice stuff kath
some nice imagery, as cheapthrill has pointed out, and i think with perhaps another verse (i realise you probably limited it to 3 due to the constraints of the assignment) to provide some kind of conclusion to the story this will be a complete song, and a pretty good one at that
welcome aboard, and look forward to seeing more of your stuff
sozay
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
Hi Kath,
Welcome. Just reread your song for the second time and it WOWED me.
Must of been tired the first time. This is great. You really got a feel for the story here. Felt like I was sitting in the corner watching this dance unfold.
The previous comments are all very good And I really Don't have anything
to add.
Good work! Glad to see it get the attention it deserves. Looking forward to more.
Celt
