Now that I look at the assignment again, I violated some of the guidelines about number of verses and lines in the chorus. Oops. I'll remember better next time.
Working title: Feels like Spring
Verse:
Ahh yes, I remember Rhonda's parties
Held to celebrate the full moon
The scraped-up wooden floorboards
That protest squeak when I move
It all feels familiar still
The colored nametags and laughing dances
My quiet spot in a corner
Where I watch the game of chances
Chorus:
Its been so long that I haven't felt a thing
But this October, it finally feels like spring
Verse:
I've seen her before, but not like this
The shiny silver shirt is new
Flowing like water beneath a green nametag
Which announces that she's single too
CHORUS
Bridge:
Maybe tonight will become
The story that we'll tell
When they ask exactly how we met
When they ask of the beginning
Of the friends they know so well
Verse:
So maybe I'll follow her into the kitchen
Next time she leaves the crowd
And maybe I'll try my luck
Out where the music's not so loud
CHORUS
Comments welcome. :)
Sarah,
Well done. Everything works, meter, rhyme, structure, flow. It's a very good song. The only line I might tweak, were it mine, is the last line in the first verse.
"That protest squeak when I move" just seems awkward to me. You probably wouldn't say it that way. Something along the lines of "squeeked in protest when I moved" would sound more natural, and maintain the tense as well. That's rather nit-picky, though. Overall, you have a very good piece of work here. You should be pleased.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
:) Hey I liked than line Scratch!!! :)
Verses are fine, wouldn't change a thing......the only thing I had a little trouble with was the rhythm of the bridge, couldn't seem to make it fit...but doubtless you can, Sarah, else you wouldn't have posted it!!!
In the original post to this, you mention Sarah McLachlan...... :oops: ...sorry, never heard of her......If you'd care to share a little information, maybe it would help to get a better idea of genre, etc, and how you see this song......but that's just me!!!
Nice piece of work!!!
:D :D :D
Vic.
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Thanks for the replies.
I wanted to differentiate the bridge's flow from the flow of the verses or the chorus, so I put another line in there to chop it up a little bit. I'd work the music behind the lyrics to make it all flow smoothly, but differently from the flow of the rest of the song.
Sarah McLachlan's most famous song is probably "Possession", which came out in the mid-90s. She's certainly done more work since then, but that is probably her claim to fame.
I joked about using the title "October" and referred to her because, although she's moved to more conventional lyric structure recently, she has a tendency to use one-word, rather obscure words for her titles. The words are usually (not always) in the song somewhere, but usually (not always) in the chorus and rarely repeated. In fact, the word "possession" isn't used at ALL in her most famous tune. More info about her can be found here: http://www.sarahmclachlan.com/
:)
Hi Sarah
I moved your song out on to the forum proper as there's a good chance of little or no feedback if you pin it to the bottom of my post.
It's a good song. It may be a little off the assignment but I'm not too worried about that at the moment. It may be a wotrthwhile exercise to try and make it fit exactly but I think you caught the spirit well enough.
I like the contrast in the Chorus of October and Spring ( from a Northern Hemisphere point of view anyway) quirks like that really work for me. There's a really good flow to it and a good story simply told.
Good stuff
Bob
You are what you eat, eat well
hey sarah
really like this
I like that its set at a green and red party, something you dont overtly say, but helps me to picture the party.
The chorus is really good two, great lines. (isnt october in autumn/fall in the northern hemisphere though?)
and the way it ends is excellent, follow here out to where the music is not so loud. know that feeling.
overall liked it alot, look forward to seeing more :)
sozay
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
(isnt october in autumn/fall in the northern hemisphere though?)
Yes it is, sozay. And that's the beauty of the chorus. Even though it's autumn, the feeling the character is experiencing, is one of re-birth / newness / coming alive after a long dormancy. or.... spring. (sarah, feel free to tell me to shut up here.) Anyways, I meant to mention that in my earlier comments, and forgot. Sozay reminded me.
-- Scratch 8)
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Hey sarah, Real cool lyrics :D :D I really liked the last verse and the first chorus was great! 8) 8) smokindog
Sarah,
Good work! Love the last verse. It really brings it all together
Celt
Hi Sarah.
Nice I liked it, kind of a song based Emily Dickinson thing going on.
Have to disagree with you on the Sarah McLachlan thing though, being a fan I have to say her big song would be Angel, as it was used in the City Of Angels soundtrack.
And also in the UK her track Silence was remixed by the dance group Delirium, and that was excellent, a little like how the remix of Tori Amos's Professional Widow opened up a new audience for her in the UK, that did the same for Sarah.
Anyone wanting to get into her should buy Surfacing and her new album Afterglow, in my opinion.
Find all you need in your mind, If you take the time
