Late again, but here it is. I'm not totally happy with it, but at least now I have a bench mark and a spring board for the song if I ever decide to work on it again.
Happy Ever After
You could call me a liar and a thief
I couldn't deny it,
well I could try
And I know that you swallow every
Candy-coated poison apple
I could find to feed you
But the truth is that
The venom from the first bite still flirts with your heart
(Chorus)
Don't come running back to me
I can't make it like it is in your daydreams
Remember Prince Charming kissed and woke you up
Carried you out of this ginger-bread hut
You were never happy ever after here
You say it gets lonely on the ramparts
From the spires to the dungeon
Pale grey stone walls, pale faced king
You could ride your horse all night
To be with me but all you'd find
the shadow of all you thought you left behind.
Original (only scraps of lyrics I cobbled together)
You could call me a liar and a thief
I couldn't deny it,
well I could try
Don't come running back to me
In your daydreams
We both know I'm not what you need
You were never happy ever after here
I wrote this when an old girl friend, who was engaged to her now-husband, started talking in a way that made me think she was having second thoughts about the upcoming marriage, and wanted to see if I was still an option.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Hey Slowplay,
Carried you out of this ginger-bread hut
Kinda lost me on this line. Maybe too fairy tailish?
The other thing is in the second verse I assume the "pale faced king" is her new love, so what happened to her so called prince charming?
Loved the first verse, really great!
You were never happy ever after here
Favorite part of the song. Good writing, G. :)
Maybe it's just me, but I kinda like the original better (what you have so far). I like that it's more concise and well, real, not so--as rocketgirl so eloquently put it--fairytalish. I think the first verse in it's original state is really good. Kinda draws you in. I'd like to see it again that way if you're so inclined to do a revision. Joe
Hey Rocket, thanks for the feeback.
"Carried you out of this ginger-bread hut"
Kinda lost me on this line. Maybe too fairy tailish?
Yeah, I know. Unfortunately time was running short and I wanted to post it last night. It's good to know that somebody else thinks its weak too.
The other thing is in the second verse I assume the "pale faced king" is her new love, so what happened to her so called prince charming?
I think right there you've pin pointed exactly why I was finding this song so hard to write. (I didn't know myself until just now.) So you're right, I need to change this, but here's what I was going for....
There are actually four scenes here:
1) The days of 'her and I' as they actually were... not perfect
2) The days of 'her and I' as she's remembering them, romanticizing them
3) The days of 'her and the prince' as the actually are, good but they've hit a bump
4)The days of 'her and the prince' as she's interpretting them now, very bad
She sees scenes 2 and 4, while I'm trying to show her scenes 1 and 3.
So, where did Prince Charming go? He is the pale faced king. Two different points of view. Anyone have any advice on how to accomplish something like this in song?
Thanks also, Joe,
Maybe it's just me, but I kinda like the original better (what you have so far).
Unfortunately, I agree with you, though I'm happy with a few of the new lines.
it's more concise and well, real, not so--as rocketgirl so eloquently put it--fairytalish.
I wasn't sure how far to push the fairy tale imagery, given that the hook is 'You were never happy ever after here.' I'll try to pull back and obscure it a bit. As for rewrites... this was painful enough. Maybe someday.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Too bad 'cause I really like this:
You could call me a liar and a thief
I couldn't deny it,
well I could try
Don't come running back to me
In your daydreams
We both know I'm not what you need
You were never happy ever after here
I think you can stick to the theme without writing fantasy since most of us have fantasies about what our relationships should be. And talking from experience I think a lot of women especially have those fairytale ideas about men that no real guy can possibly live up to. I think if you approach it from that aspect it might not be so painful (well the writing part--don't know how about the memories). Just write about her expectations being unrealistic and show how even when in your mind things were good they still were never good enough for her 'cause the moment things weren't perfect she was slapped hard with reality.
Don't give up on a good thing.
Joe
Hi SP,
I like the rewrite in part. I think the first verse is great
I couldn't deny it,
well I could try
I think those 2 punchy lines would work really well in a song , maybe just a slight pause in between.
As far as the fairytale imagery is concerned I think that works in the chorus, and that's where Id leave it. The second verse as Joe suggests about expectations would fit well.
the shadow of all you thought you left behind.
As a concluding line, I think that sums it up nicely.
Good work
pb
