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SSG3 week 5 - Game Faces

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(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 603
Topic starter  

OK, this one is incomplete, and I'm really not that pleased with it, but what the heck. Some weeks are a struggle, some weeks flow. It still needs a 3rd verse at least. The headline was "Game Faces" and appeared on a page that was filled with pictures from the US Chess Championships, which just wrapped up here in San Diego last week. The song has nothing to do with chess, I just swiped the headline.

Game Faces
==========

[v1]
The light's a little brighter
than it was when he came in
not so bright that anyone
could see the scars within
The players shuffle through the door
and amble to their places
order up a round or two
and put on their game faces.

[chorus]
Game faces
It's not safe for you to know
who they really are, and so
they just hide behind a mask.
Game faces
They've been hurt so many times
that they've practiced all their lines
they'll be anyone you ask.

[v2]
She has another daquiri
and looks around at him
the chill outside is not as cold
as the chill she feels within
She really doesn't like him
but she figures he'll do
to keep the cold at bay
for another night or two.

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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(@jamir)
Honorable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 434
 

Hi'a Scratch,

Well a difficult piece here !!!!!!!, over all i like the idea but agree it needs another verse. i also have a problem with the end of the chorus

Verse 1 and 2 are great I would not change a thing there, and the first part of the chorus is fine , in the second half I would bring in the mask idea again, it just seems to round it off for me

Game faces
They've been hurt so many times
that they've practiced all their lines
they'll be anyone you ask, they'll just change their mask .

as for a verse 3

I would delve down the road of a clown with tears and a happy smile, or a hobo who is really a sad lonely millionaire who has no real friends, play around with the opposites, and think of the masks people really wear to bring out the sentiment, for example I am an introvert who becomes an extrovert to play out and sing in public, we all wear so many masks !!!! Think of yours or someone elses you recognize well and make it real to blend in with the first two verses....

I look forward to the re read !!!!!!!!

Go well
Ja'mir
:wink:

I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com

you can hear my songs at :

http://www.mp3.com.au/artist.asp?id=21709


   
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(@gjbrake)
Reputable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 235
 

Hey!

BE pleased with it! It's good...

so far.

I agree it feels like just a start. So far you've been sort of simmering, and maybe something could boil over in the final verse??

I like where it going so far though - a good, different, use of 'Game Faces'.

Keep it coming!
G

Listen Louder Than You Play


   
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(@lotto-king)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 777
 

Hi ,

Well different people have different perspectives I'm definetly different because I like the chorus sorry GJ and Jamir .

Scratch I love your second verse I will looking to see how you finish this I think it's pretty damn good

cheers

Aghhhh

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I'm now a bloody senior member

Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?

over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )


   
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(@christiaan)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 90
 

Hi!

It's very compelling, I hope you write a third verse, can't wait to read it.

"they'll be anyone you ask, they'll just change their mask"
I agree the song would be better with this addition, but, to critize to critics, "they'll be anyone you ask, they'll just wear a different mask" might fit in better with the rhythm.

Maybe a third verse could be about the "she" from the second verse who in desperation tries to throw off her mask and be honest for once, but the "he" from the first verse doesn't understand her honesty and she gets hurt again.
Just a thought...

Keep in touch ;-)
Christiaan


   
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(@straycat)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1282
 

hey scratch.

the second verse is dam.n beautiful

She really doesn't like him
but she figures he'll do
to keep the cold at bay
for another night or two.

awesome! love it, not only because you used the expression 'keep.. at bay' which I adore since I first heard it in a Moneybrother song a couple of months ago;) really my favourite part of your song yet.

as for the chorus I like either of the suggestions that were made.
give them a second to switch masks.

I personally would like to see a 3rd verse heading in the same direction like the second(only regarding the mood) because I feel like otherwise it would be better to change second and third verse so the second verse would be the last one, as it would make a quite good ending, at least it leaves me with a cool kinda sad but not sad feeling;)

I dunno... but I'll be pleased to see whatever you make out of this:)
good luck
bluenightangel

"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin


   
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(@taintedpoet)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 27
 

Well seeing as how the chorus horse has been beaten until it has been made into glue. I think I will offer my insight about a third verse. I feel as if this song is story of people the first verse being masculin and the second feminin. I think it would do well to show the relationship between the man from V1 with the woman from V2. That is just my pennys worth. I like the concept. I also cannot imagin what the article was about if it involved chess and some kinda game face. That just makes me laugh.

No words no explination just music


   
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(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 603
Topic starter  

After 2 days of wrestling with this one, I've decided to euthanize it. I've been trying to come up with a third verse that rounds everything off, but nothing's working. I mentioned initially that I wasn't very pleased with it, and I think I figured out 2 reasons why.

1. The axiom, "Write what you know" from Nick's article... I haven't been inside a bar for around 20 years now. So I'm trying to describe interactions and scenes from memory, and it's not working very well.

2. The idea for the song is a knock-off. It occurred to me last night, that MarvelousOptimist wrote this same idea last year, in a song called "Smoke and Mirrors." Only he did it really well. Probably one of my favorite pieces of his. You can't find it here though,... it got wiped out in the doin's.

Ja'mir, I really like your suggestions for a third verse, and may incorporate them into another song in the future. (I've written them down in the notebook, lest I forget)

Or, I may try to revive this one sometime in the future, in a different contextual framework.

Thanks for all the ideas / suggestions / kudos / critiques. I did actually consider all of them.

-- Scratch 8)

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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(@cheapthrill)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 224
 

hey scratch,

too bad i didn't get a chance to comment before the song died. but i do want to say that i liked it and liked where it was going. hopefully a pheniox will rise from these ashes in the near future.

-CheapThrill


   
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(@smokindog)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 5345
 

Iliked the idea, it needed a 3rd verse but i thought it was pretty good. Sometimes you just have to let it be for a spell and come back to it later. :D --the dog

My Youtube Page
http://www.youtube.com/user/smokindog
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http://www.soundclick.com/guitarforumjams


   
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