SSG4 Week 20 - Drive - mp3

I think your song is ok but not sensational by your standards. It seems to me like a lot of the driving references feel quite forced, as if it's just getting in the way of what you actually want to write about.

I know this probably sounds pretty hypocritical coming from a guy who just posted a song with more car-related imagery than your local Automobiles R Us, but when I read these SSG songs every week, I always come away feeling like the best one is the one which just barely sticks to the topic, because that's the one where the author truly got caught up in their writing so much that they didn't care about staying with the subject. These days I aim to see the assignment as a creative springboard rather than a set of constraints.

In this case I feel that your song (much like mine) tries a little too hard to fit into the prescribed box. Maybe it's the repetition of the main image, I don't know; in any case I'm going to try to give you a few pointers as to where certain components could be upgraded.

-first verse: nice, works well

-second verse: A little confusing. I am not clear about what the 3rd line means. What is "the rest"? The last line could also do with explaining.

-bridge: well firstly the second line repeats the first - don't know if this was intentional but I don't feel the effect is a good one. The line about changing lanes feels very forced. If you want to use a metaphor here, it doesn't have to be car-related.

-third verse: in the first two lines are you talking literally about the car? Because I initially thought you were talking about "test-driving" another girl... which puts a different spin on the song. When you say "Gotta great look and feel" I was anticipating some kind of description of what made this car/girl so great. I feel the song is a little lacking overall in descriptive passages.

-fourth verse: "tour of duty" conjures up a military image which seems very out of place with the rest of the song. Deliberate? Also in this verse you are doing a lot of repeating of previous lines. Which could be a good or bad thing... ahh, I'll let you off.

As usual I'm being picky, but remember I said your song was ok which means it was not bad :)

I think your song is ok but not sensational by your standards. It seems to me like a lot of the driving references feel quite forced, as if it's just getting in the way of what you actually want to write about.

I know this probably sounds pretty hypocritical coming from a guy who just posted a song with more car-related imagery than your local Automobiles R Us, but when I read these SSG songs every week, I always come away feeling like the best one is the one which just barely sticks to the topic, because that's the one where the author truly got caught up in their writing so much that they didn't care about staying with the subject. These days I aim to see the assignment as a creative springboard rather than a set of constraints.

In this case I feel that your song (much like mine) tries a little too hard to fit into the prescribed box. Maybe it's the repetition of the main image, I don't know; in any case I'm going to try to give you a few pointers as to where certain components could be upgraded.

-first verse: nice, works well

-second verse: A little confusing. I am not clear about what the 3rd line means. What is "the rest"? The last line could also do with explaining.

-bridge: well firstly the second line repeats the first - don't know if this was intentional but I don't feel the effect is a good one. The line about changing lanes feels very forced. If you want to use a metaphor here, it doesn't have to be car-related.

-third verse: in the first two lines are you talking literally about the car? Because I initially thought you were talking about "test-driving" another girl... which puts a different spin on the song. When you say "Gotta great look and feel" I was anticipating some kind of description of what made this car/girl so great. I feel the song is a little lacking overall in descriptive passages.

-fourth verse: "tour of duty" conjures up a military image which seems very out of place with the rest of the song. Deliberate? Also in this verse you are doing a lot of repeating of previous lines. Which could be a good or bad thing... ahh, I'll let you off.

As usual I'm being picky, but remember I said your song was ok which means it was not bad :)

Hi Martin,
Thanks for your feedback, I appreciate your comments.

-first verse: nice, works well
Thanks

-second verse: A little confusing. I am not clear about what the 3rd line means. What is "the rest"? The last line could also do with explaining.
This verse alludes to rhythm of the car on the road and how the rhythm of their love was always there but circumstances beyond their control prevented them from making it work. It is an awkward verse Ill agree, my intention is to deceive the reader/listener into thinking that he's leaving her when in fact he's coming back to stay this time.

-bridge: well firstly the second line repeats the first - don't know if this was intentional but I don't feel the effect is a good one. The line about changing lanes feels very forced. If you want to use a metaphor here, it doesn't have to be car-related.
Agreed, the “changing lanes” will probably have to go.

-third verse: in the first two lines are you talking literally about the car? Because I initially thought you were talking about "test-driving" another girl... which puts a different spin on the song. When you say "Gotta great look and feel" I was anticipating some kind of description of what made this car/girl so great. I feel the song is a little lacking overall in descriptive passages.
Ha, this is me trying to be clever, in his mind the car becomes a metaphor for her, I think the first line could do with some rework here, I don't think that quite works.

-fourth verse: "tour of duty" conjures up a military image which seems very out of place with the rest of the song. Deliberate? Also in this verse you are doing a lot of repeating of previous lines. Which could be a good or bad thing... ahh, I'll let you off.
"tour of duty", is the reason that he's been away, you see he wasn't leaving her after all.

thanks

Paul

Ive recorded an mp3 here:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=328886

sorry Pbee

how did I miss your song ...

I really enjoyed your MP3 , those high notes well done mate awesome high notes :lol:

I think this song could be about my new car , the bridge works really well here .

You have put a nice take on the subject matter I like it ...

When I read this I wasn't too sure about some rhymes but the MP3 cleared them , I suppose it's all about how long one holds the note ..

Well done mate

Sorry I missed it .

Ps
Paul I have been working on Knocking on Heavens door by Dylan I have it almost right , will post a recording when I feel it's right

Cheers
Hilch :?:

Nice song Paul,

Sometimes the MP3 makes all the difference. At first I had
many of the same reservations as Martin but this is a good listen.

I like the way you work the rhythm of the road into the rhythm of
the song.

The "deception" in verse 2 works well (it fooled me for what that's worth)

A good song to listen to on a road trip.

John

Listened to your MP3 and liked it.

It's a big difference from reading and hearing a song.

Your song came together nicely I think.

:D