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SSG4W6 - gjbrake

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(@gjbrake)
Reputable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 235
Topic starter  

OK, at the moment, any mention of numbers, figures etc makes me think about money. I currently have more going out than coming in, but that's a problem for a different kind of forum :wink:

So, my references aren't strictly numbers per se. I hope that this still counts:

There's more going out than there is coming in
And it's bleeding my soul dry.
The bills pile up and the interest grows;
Your demands outstrip my supply.

I really don't have that much more to give,
I've paid my dues and I'm down to my last pound.
So when you hold out your hand for a fiver I know
That my remains may never be found.

You've cleaned me out now,
Taken every penny now,
I hope you're happy now
That this is as far as we go.
The paycheck's spent now,
I gave you my all now,
I hope you're happy now
That you've reaped what you sowed.

There's more going out than there is coming in
And the numbers are all going red.
You've eaten me out of heart and mind
And left me underneath all your debts.

I really can't hold them much longer,
And then both our lives will come falling down.
As the flood waters rise, I will take your hand,
I'm not the only one's going to drown.

You've cleaned me out now,
Taken every penny now,
I hope you're happy now
That this is as far as we go.
The paycheck's spent now,
I gave you my all now,
I hope you're happy now
That you've reaped what you sowed.

VERY much a work in progress. Any suggestions VERY much appreciated!
Thanks for looking anyhow.
G

Listen Louder Than You Play


   
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(@teleplayer324)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 1506
 

Very nicely done G. Very gut level emotion, the anger and fustration come thru beautifully

Immature? Of course I'm immature Einstein, I'm 50 and in a Rock and ROll band.

New Band site http://www.myspace.com/guidedbymonkeys


   
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(@scratchmonkey)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 603
 

gjbrake,

I can only echo Teleplayer's comments. The feeling definitely comes through. And you did work "fiver" in there, that's close enough to a number. :wink:

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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(@martin-6)
Honorable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 418
 

Good song, I liked it. The one thing that concerns me is that it's a bit morbid ("my remains may never be found"; "going to drown") which doesn't fit that well. Being broke does suck, but it doesn't have be literally the end of the world! I don't know if that was the main intention of the song, but if not then maybe those lines could be changed to make it a little less dark? E.g. an "I'm going mad" direction instead of "I'm going to die".

Other than that it was great. By the way, I notice you live just down the road from me ;)


   
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(@rodders)
Noble Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 1086
 

I know exactly where you are coming from on this one gjbrake. And the season makes it worse.
Really nice way to express your emotions. Hopefully its a tempory situation :wink:

Really nice song.

Be excellent to each other & party on dudes!
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=686668


   
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(@vic-lewis-vl)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 10264
 

Been there, done that, so it struck a meaningful chord with me....

The only bit I can find fault with is....

" I really don't have that much more to give,
I've paid my dues and I'm down to my last pound.
So when you hold out your hand for a fiver I know
That my remains may never be found."

It's that last line - doesn't seem to fit somehow....was fooling about with it, came up with this...

"I really don't have any more to give,
I'm down on my knees, overpaid my dues,
So when you hold out your hand for more you should know,
You're killing off the golden goose...."

Just a suggestion, feel free to ignore it if you don't like it....

Other than that, i think you've got something here...it's bitter, it's angry, it's tightly focussed....

Strange, but humming to this and trying to find a melody, seemed to me as if George Harrison could've sung this one...

:D :D :D

Vic

"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)


   
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(@gjbrake)
Reputable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 235
Topic starter  

Hey!

I'm not sure whether people have really got what I was aiming for with this. Martin-6 is right, 'Being broke does suck, but it doesn't have be literally the end of the world!'
I was trying to use the money thing just as a metaphor for a dying relationship - that's why there are some morbid lines in there!
Maybe if I change all the 'you' references in the verses to 'her' references?:

There's more going out than there is coming in
And it's bleeding my soul dry.
The bills pile up and the interest grows;
Her demands outstrip my supply.

I really don't have that much more to give,
I've paid my dues and I'm down to my last pound.
So when she holds out her hand for a fiver I know
That my remains may never be found.

You've cleaned me out now,
Taken every penny now,
I hope you're happy now
That this is as far as we go.
The paycheck's spent now,
I gave you my all now,
I hope you're happy now
That you've reaped what you sowed.

There's more going out than there is coming in
And the numbers are all going red.
She's eaten me out of heart and mind
And left me underneath all her debts.

I really can't hold them much longer,
And then both our lives will come falling down.
As the flood waters rise, I will take her hand,
I'm not the only one's going to drown.

You've cleaned me out now,
Taken every penny now,
I hope you're happy now
That this is as far as we go.
The paycheck's spent now,
I gave you my all now,
I hope you're happy now
That you've reaped what you sowed.

Or use the title to drop the hint about what I am aiming for?
Anyone got any thoughts on the matter?

Anyway, thanks for all your comments everyone. Yeah, Vic, I agree, that line is the weakest one in there I think, need to change it. But I like the other three as they are, so I'm not sure. Hmmm, more thought required on this one.

Listen Louder Than You Play


   
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