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W47 - The Deluge

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(@nroberts)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 305
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So I have been reading this forum, bought a book on songwriting and applied some techniques. Took me a couple of hours to work through and ended up with something I hadn't the idea to write until hitting the Thesurus. I was going to simply describe a storm I saw.

So, anyway, be gentle, its my first time :shock:

The Deluge

----------------------------------

The furnace sends winds hurling forth
And a stonewall of acid rain
Crushing black descends from the north
Turning strength of will to powder

A force beyond me, this black squall
Leaving me down and capsized
Ice cold solid that will not thaw
Exploding forth with a vengence

Savage winds they ravage my soul
Icy fingers with piercing stingers boring holes
An encaged mass of rage and confusion racing out of control
A deluge in a hellhole

Possessed of demons I can't exorcize
Just blow winds blow
The debris of my life raised to pulverize
A storm that will not pass

In the downpour I dehydrate
Antimatter percolates
Fellings I cannot sedate
I'm scattered, ready to detonate

Savage winds they ravage my soul
Icy fingers with piercing stingers boring holes
An encaged mass of rage and confusion racing out of control
A deluge in a hellhole

Posessed of demons I can't exorcize masked and disguised
Just blow winds blow why don't you
The debris of my life raised to pulverize It's all fucking lies
A storm that shall not pass until you are through

What is left of me cannot survive
Don't you yet realize
What little is left will not survive
That you where never alive
There is nothing left to survive
All that is left is for you to die

-----------------------------

Heh, I better stop...I keep adding to it...I think I like this one. So, tear it apart. :twisted:


   
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(@nroberts)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 305
Topic starter  

The italics are background singers. Still getting used to this forum software...


   
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(@cheapthrill)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 224
 

hey nroberts,

*prints out song and rips it to pieces" ha! take that! sorry, when i get egged on to tear something apart i just can't stop. :lol: i know that was stupid ok, moving right along.
I was going to simply describe a storm I saw. thank you for not doing that, you got something much better here. it is amazing what happens to thought sometimes when you put a pen in your hand.

nice imagery here. i like the over all theme here too. the meter seems like it could be tightened up a bit, some lines seem to be a bit long. throws me off a little. try not to get too fancy with the thesurus there, just let the words flow naturally. just because you use simple language doesn't mean it is any less of a song. some people here even prefere the simplier language. The furnace sends winds hurling forth this one line throws me off, it is the mention of the furance doesn't seem to go with the rest of the song.

very good stuff for a first-timer, and to think you will only get better as the weeks go on.

look forward to more songs from you.

-CheapThrill


   
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 Olav
(@olav)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 150
 

nroberts.
This is what call good writing. You are using a vivid imagery here and I love it. Lets me think I am right there in the middle of it.
As CheapThrill said it could be tighten up a little, but overall it is excellent.
Keep this kind of stuff coming.
Blessings. Olav


   
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(@scratchmonkey)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 603
 

nroberts,

As was mentioned already, you have some very nice imagery and language here. You do a good job of capturing that angst feeling. There were a few places I thought could use some more work. Here are some of the ones I thought might be looked at again:

"Antimatter percolates" -- I really like that phrase. I don't know what you're trying to express there, but I like the phrase.

"Icy fingers with piercing stingers boring holes " I like the internal rhyme here, but the meter's off.

"An encaged mass of rage and confusion racing out of control "
Again, the meter's way off, but in as much as it may be supporting the idea in this line (the narrator feeling confused and out of control) , you might want to leave it that way. I dunno.

"I'm scattered, ready to detonate" -- doesn't make sense to me. Feeling ready to explode, I get OK, but usually something ready to blow isn't scattered, it's more compressed. after it detonates, it'd be scattered, sure.

Lastly, your background voice lines:

"...you never were alive"
"All that's left is for you to die"

well, if he never was alive, then dying isn't an option. Dying generally being regarded as a cessation of life, and if life was never there, dying can't occur.

As always, this is just my $0.02, take it or leave it as you choose.

-- Scratch 8)

-- Scratch 8)


"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42


   
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(@nroberts)
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Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 305
Topic starter  

nroberts,

As was mentioned already, you have some very nice imagery and language here. You do a good job of capturing that angst feeling.

Thanks.
"Antimatter percolates" -- I really like that phrase. I don't know what you're trying to express there, but I like the phrase.

Uh oh. I don't know where I read it but it said if I have to describe what a line means then it ain't right.

Antimatter is something that makes really big bangs when it collides with matter, as can be seen often enough in Star Trek. Percolating is something coffee does when it is brewing; its a type of brewing that is usually done over a flame; our percolator also seemed to act like it was about to blow up also. It would shake, spit, moan, and act very much alive.

That is what those two words mean to me anyway. So the image is supposed to show sort of a really nasty boom that is getting ready to happen; not just ready, waiting, wanting. Really the line just sort of made itself. I wanted to use antimatter and rhyme with dehydrate...

How would you go about fixing it?
"Icy fingers with piercing stingers boring holes " I like the internal rhyme here, but the meter's off.


"An encaged mass of rage and confusion racing out of control "
Again, the meter's way off, but in as much as it may be supporting the idea in this line (the narrator feeling confused and out of control) , you might want to leave it that way. I dunno.

One thing I have been doing lately is expanding last lines. Sort of trying to build up, they seem to do that to me. But yes, they don't really flow well, especially the last one. In this chorus I am really trying to build up speed, hense the internal rhyming. Maybe I could get the same effect if I split those into shorter lines? Something like:

Icy fingers
with piercing stingers
boring holes
Mass encaged
Confusion and rage
Spun out of control
"I'm scattered, ready to detonate" -- doesn't make sense to me. Feeling ready to explode, I get OK, but usually something ready to blow isn't scattered, it's more compressed. after it detonates, it'd be scattered, sure.

I get you for sure. Part of the choice comes from it rhyming with antimatter (matter/scatter) and part comes from what I feel when I want to blow up. I don't feel cohesive, I feel kind of busted up with pieces kind of just hanging around but not making any kind of sense.
"...you never were alive"
"All that's left is for you to die"

well, if he never was alive, then dying isn't an option. Dying generally being regarded as a cessation of life, and if life was never there, dying can't occur.

Oh, those are some of my favorite lines :shock:

See being alive is different than just breathing, that is what those lines get at. "You never were alive" as in you are empty now and have always been...sort of like you've been walking and talking but there is no spirit. Then "all that's left is for you to die" meaning all you can do is wait for your body to stop functioning. Maybe I need to somehow expand so that the idea is more surface?

Again though, I don't know how it could be fixed.

How is the rhyming scheme of the verses? When I read it I keep wanting it to go A, B, A, B but I decided when I wrote it to make it A, B, A, C. Not sure I like that idea anymore, what about you guys?


   
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