I'm not exactly sure what inspired this one. It's kind of a weird song about escaping dull boring routines. Here it is:
[verse 1]
Everyday is always the same
It makes me lose all of my mirth
The same old boring routine
Makes me want to leave this Earth
It is never happening now
It is always happening soon
But I'm not willing to wait
I'd rather live out on the moon
[chorus]
I'm escaping the Earth's gravity
Flying to search for variety
On a ship without a care
Cruising where there is no air
Bringing nothing but my guitars
My weapons to defy the stars
[verse 2]
On island Earth, I feel so trapped
My path is long and very narrow
So little choice, nothing to change
I'd rather float in absolute zero
Come home from work like always
Nothing interesting, barely a stir
But this time I take off for work
I'll be flying past the giant Jupiter
[chorus]
I'm escaping the Earth's gravity
Flying to search for variety
On a ship without a care
Cruising where there is no air
Bringing nothing but my guitars
My weapons to defy the stars
[interlude/solo]
[chorus]
I'm escaping the Earth's gravity
Flying to search for variety
On a ship without a care
Cruising where there is no air
Bringing nothing but my guitars
My weapons to defy the stars
Hello One Winged Angel
I thought this is very good .. just two words I am having with MIRTH and Jupiter
They just dont seem to flow as good as the others .... ( sorry )
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
Definitely on the weird side - but that's OK.....
Like LK, I had trouble with the first verse....
"Everyday is always the same
It makes me lose all of my mirth
The same old boring routine
Makes me want to leave this Earth "
"Mirth" seems a little forced...
maybe something like
"Everday is always the same,
Feel I'm losing my mind,
The same old boring routine
Makes me want to leave this Earth behind "....
fitting an extra two syllables in that last line shouldn't be too difficult...
The "Jupiter" line seems a little forced, too - you'd have to pronounce it "Ju - pi - tir" to rhyme...although, second thoughts, it's not too much of a stretch....although you could possibly try "hum" instead of "stir" and work in "Sun" somehow instead of Jupiter....
Anyway, good to see you working hard on the writing - it's certainly waaay different than anything else posted here this week, I'll bet - your last week's submission was pretty obviously meant for powerchords, distortion and high volume...this is harder to pin down, wondering if you've got any ideas musically yet?
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hi Angel
I agree with Vic and Lotto King - Mirth is a forced rhyme and it jars as does Jupiter - I'd rethink these parts.
Good idea though and interesting take on the assignment - definitely escaping the routine by flying through the solar system.
Good stuff
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
Thank you for you comments. I'll have to fix the word mirth. I'm not sure what you mean by Jupiter being forced though. But that could be because I always have pronouced it "ju-pi-ter." I'll see if I can rework it.
Thanks again
It's not necessarily Jupiter I have trouble with it's the whole of the last line I stumble over - If you've got music to it great but I feel it's over long and humbly offer the following suggestions
Come home from work like always
Nothing interesting, barely a stir
But this time I take off for work
I'll be flying past the giant Jupiter
or
I'll be flying past Jupiter
or
I'll fly past giant Jupiter
Bob :D
You are what you eat, eat well
That'd work as per Bob's suggestion - but "mirth" really has to go, unless you're going to delve into 16th century folk-rock....hell, even Bob Dylan can't remember that far back!!!!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
I think Jupiter works (it's my favorite part of the song!) fine.
What sort of music do you have in mind for this?
Peace
I have no idea what music I have in mind. All I can think of is electric and probably clean. What chords I'd use and if they would be major, minor or neither, I don't know. I picture........what's that word.......where you play each note of a chord individually in the verses though.
........what's that word.......where you play each note of a chord individually in the verses though.
Arpeggio possibly
I think Jupiter works (it's my favorite part of the song!) fine.
Aaah the beauty of SSG many opinions no squabbles :wink:
Bob
You are what you eat, eat well
OWA,
I kind of like Mirth but I'm kind of
Old Fashion sometimes so don't
listen to me.
The Jupiter line is great but think Bob's
suggested edits would work better.
"I'll be flying past the giant Jupiter"is
a bit long for my taste.
John
Hi 1-Wing
I like your song in a quirky sort of way. The “mirth†is an olde :roll: word and is probably worth a rewrite. The “Jupiter “ word (actually not a bad show to only have 2 things that are criticisms for people) for me its not so much the word or the (stir / Jupiter) rhyme that bugs me, its that; if I let my imagination go and get into the imagery here, I feel that zooming past Jupiter every day is going to end up as tedious as the life on earth you've just left. And I'm left wondering, why is zooming past Jupiter so special ?. Actually you could take this song to another level and explore why “familiarity eventually breads contempt†if you felt so inclined, to my mind that would really give this song some power, cos I think the imagery that you crafted here is good, and a little message at the end would be great. Anyway just my ramblings, good effort by you, well done.
pbee
