Week 2 and my first post on the SSG!!

Hi Kevin

Welcome to SSG nice to have you here ..

When I read this I copied and pasted it then moved lines up and down then I read what Peter said and we were on the same wave length so I deleted what I did ..Just so you can see what I am talking about here is verse 1 ...

As I climb the stairs
relief sweeps over me
as I open UP the door.
to those bleak white walls staring
and clutter consuming the floor.
I make my way around it all,
A path I've worn thin
the space start to light up
I take a second to breathe it all in

Just a small thing that helped me read it better , for your first SSG song mate this is pretty darn good

Keep writing and posting mate

Cheers

B.R

Welcome Kevin,

Nice Work! As said give it a good proof read and tidy it
up a little and it will be very good.

John

Welcome to the SSG! Always nice to have a new face around

After reading your initial draft and the comments posted by hlich and bushpig, I can see how this has some real potential. I particulalry like the chorus and the outro section
And As I exhale,
the walls disappear
I'm lighter than air
I'm anything I want to be
alone in my room

As nostalic relics clash with moden treasures
It all falls into place
I don't need to worry about anyone or anything
It's all fallen into place
I've fallen into place
alone in my room
alone in my room

It flows well, tidy up the other parts as the other guys suggested and I think you've got a real winner here.

Pete

Kevin
First of all welcome fellow Marylander. Glad you are joining us
Not knowing anything about the music you had in mind my suggestions may butcher your idea, but I'll give you my opinion.
I felt that what you are trying to say could be shorten. A lot of the “and” and “as” could go and the lines could be simplified. Also instead of one long first verse I split it up into two shorter verses. I also simplified the wording to read something like this:

V1
I climb the stairs
and open the door,
relief sweeps over me
Familiar clutter
and bleak white walls
staring back at me
V2
Around the clutter
on a path worn thin
familiar scenes breaks my gloom
It clears my mind
And for a moment in time
I breathe it all in

This is just my opinion. It says the same, but reads a little easier. Feel free to scrap it/ use it if you like. Looking forward to read more of your stuff
Blessings
Olav

I don't have a lot to add to the above comments, except to say it certainly doesn't need ripping apart.....just a few minor tweaks is all, and since they've been pointed out above, I'll just say welcome to A ) Guitarnoise in general and B ) to this forum in particular!

:D :D :D

Vic