Week 20: Long Road Behind

hi Ilike your song

A very nice take on the the theme ..

nice

Hilch :?:

Thank you for your kind words.

Life,

[Verse 1]

Glances at faces
Making my memories bleed
Surrounded by these places
Bled them all dry (I understand what you're saying, but I think the reference is redundant)
Married myself to a stranger
Felt the pain whenever she cried
Sought the day I would leave
Felt it's presence and began to believe (this makes me think that this person has a change to start again, break free, rise up)

[Chorus A]

That the long road was behind me
Squeezed all of the juice out of my endeavors (juice is a hard word to sing)
Thought life had found me
Gifted with fluorescent eyes (I don't get the meaning here)

[Verse 2]

Adapting
Inside anew confinements
Change
Refining life's definement (love this line)
But prejudice
Turned my values into stress (why is there always a "but"?)
And despair
Clouded my world inside a dense fog
No visibility to see

[Chorus B]

If the long road is behind me
Body halted and paralyzed
Disposed that life has abandoned me
Damned with black hole eyes (I especially like this line)

[Bridge]

Sometimes it's wise to return to square one
Redemption gives birth to closure
This time I'm digging
Until I hit your blood stream (far enough away from V1, doesn't seem repetitive here)
And I'll float atop of it
Dreams give birth to exposure
Needless to fantasize of the divine
I'm a realist that signifies

[Chorus C]

The long road is behind me
Whats done is done
Life does not need to find me ( I like this line but the next one takes away from it)
I can run, but I will never hide (seems a bit cliche, could be better)

I have a hard time giving critics. I hope this doesn't seem too harsh. Of course these are only my opinions, not wrong, not right. I really like the theme of the lyric. Everybody else seemed to write about where they're going and you wrote about where you've been, good job! Happy posting. G.

sorry, double post

sorry!

Life,

[Verse 1]

Glances at faces
Making my memories bleed
Surrounded by these places
Bled them all dry (I understand what you're saying, but I think the reference is redundant)
Married myself to a stranger
Felt the pain whenever she cried
Sought the day I would leave
Felt it's presence and began to believe (this makes me think that this person has a change to start again, break free, rise up)

[Chorus A]

That the long road was behind me
Squeezed all of the juice out of my endeavors (juice is a hard word to sing)
Thought life had found me
Gifted with fluorescent eyes (I don't get the meaning here)

[Verse 2]

Adapting
Inside anew confinements
Change
Refining life's definement (love this line)
But prejudice
Turned my values into stress (why is there always a "but"?)
And despair
Clouded my world inside a dense fog
No visibility to see

[Chorus B]

If the long road is behind me
Body halted and paralyzed
Disposed that life has abandoned me
Damned with black hole eyes (I especially like this line)

[Bridge]

Sometimes it's wise to return to square one
Redemption gives birth to closure
This time I'm digging
Until I hit your blood stream (far enough away from V1, doesn't seem repetitive here)
And I'll float atop of it
Dreams give birth to exposure
Needless to fantasize of the divine
I'm a realist that signifies

[Chorus C]

The long road is behind me
Whats done is done
Life does not need to find me ( I like this line but the next one takes away from it)
I can run, but I will never hide (seems a bit cliche, could be better)

I have a hard time giving critics. I hope this doesn't seem too harsh. Of course these are only my opinions, not wrong, not right. I really like the theme of the lyric. Everybody else seemed to write about where they're going and you wrote about where you've been, good job! Happy posting. G.
Thats the first time somebody has criticized something I wrote, and I really appreciate you taking the time to do so because I always want to figure out how to improve my writing. I agree with everything you're saying, and I'll post a newer version of the song later on. Thanks again.

EDIT: I forgot to answer your question in one of your comments about the line "gifted with flourescent eyes" and what its meaning was. It's pretty much a flashback thought like the rest of the 1st verse, 1st chorus, 2nd verse and 2nd chorus. Its what I felt at that point of my life. I felt full of life to be frank about it.

LifeIsThought,

I read your song earlier and was going to come
back and critque it.

Seems Rocketgirl has said it all. Nice critque Rocket

So I'll just welcome you to SSG and offer my opinion
at some other time.

Welcome Aboard,

John

Way to go Rocket, very good critique.

Hi LifeIsThought,

This certainly has a cathartic feel to it, very personal, good stuff. It took me three reads to understand what was going on here, and I guess if I had to point to one thing, then that would be it. Depending on the reason you wrote this song, then this could be an issue, if it personal then its not, if its for others entertainment then making the lyrics a bit more simplistic I think would be better.
Pretty d@mn good for a first up if ask me.

Cheers

Paul

Way to go Rocket, very good critique.

Hi LifeIsThought,

This certainly has a cathartic feel to it, very personal, good stuff. It took me three reads to understand what was going on here, and I guess if I had to point to one thing, then that would be it. Depending on the reason you wrote this song, then this could be an issue, if it personal then its not, if its for others entertainment then making the lyrics a bit more simplistic I think would be better.
Pretty d@mn good for a first up if ask me.

Cheers

Paul

Thanks for the kind words Paul. So you know, I redid parts of the song and resubmitted it on here. It's titled "Long Road Behind (Edited Version)." Maybe the edited one is a bit more clear than this one, but let me know what you think.

Welcome aboard Life

I liked the song. Very deep and colorful.

Unfortunately, I agree with the others... Rocket pretty much nailed everything. LOL

Geoo