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Week 29 - Chorus's
 
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Week 29 - Chorus's

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(@spadge)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 89
Topic starter  

GUILTY PLEASURE - Constantyne

My guilty pleasure,
Was dressed in leather
And charged me by the hour
My guilty pleasure
Is this work or leisure
You seem to like it anyhow.

LONG GONE HOLLOW - nroberts

I'm going somewhere
I hope you follow
It's you that brought me here
All we had
As long gone hollow
Nothing left but tears

THIS LETTER TO YOU - Aeryn.McAvan

This letter to you
Will never make it
These words I write
Will never be read
And all I have to say to you
Will stay inside my head

COUNT YOUR PENNIES, POOR MAN, GREED WILL TEAR YOU DOWN - Illicit

Count yor pennies,poor man, greed will tear you down
Count on me, my brother, I will always be around
Count your blessings, sister, for heaven holds you now
Find yourself something to count on, Find yourself someone to count on

Find all you need in your mind, If you take the time


   
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(@gjbrake)
Reputable Member
Joined: 21 years ago
Posts: 235
 

I'd have to say - these are all pretty good. The only one I'm not sure about is the last:
COUNT YOUR PENNIES, POOR MAN, GREED WILL TEAR YOU DOWN - Illicit

Count yor pennies,poor man, greed will tear you down
Count on me, my brother, I will always be around
Count your blessings, sister, for heaven holds you now
Find yourself something to count on, Find yourself someone to count onThat last line. I just think it's the fact that you've had such strong rhyme with the last three lines, it feels to me like the fourth should join in!

Maybe something like 'find yourself someone to count on and you will have been found'? I dunno, you'll probably hate that, but it's all I've got right now!!!

But yeah, otherwise, great stuff.
G

Listen Louder Than You Play


   
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(@aerynk-mcavan)
Trusted Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 33
 

I like what you did with "This Letter To You".
You took it in a different direction than I did. I like it!
Great job!!
Aeryn

You cannot live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
Life is not about what I've done, what I should've done, what I could've done. Its about what I can do and what I will do.


   
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 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Spadge,

I think these are all great. I think gjbrake nailed it on the head with the last chorus though. When I read it, it flowed really nicely and then the last line stops you dead ( maybe that was your intention ?).

Good job :D .


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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 Celt
(@celt)
Famed Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 2649
 

Spadge,

Nice work on all of them.

I think Count You Pennies could work as is but a rhyme
would be nice too.

I guess it would depend on the verses and music.

Guilty Pleasure reads a little more like a verse than
a chorus to me.

But I like it and it could work.

Celt

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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(@spadge)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 89
Topic starter  

Thanks to all for the feedback.

I agree with gjbrake, the last lne in the Count your pennies, chorus should be the line he wrote, its very good, rounds it off nicely.

Find all you need in your mind, If you take the time


   
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