Week-3 What do they care?

Hi Rob

The idea behind this is very good but for me lacks more emotion , I think the repeative chorus takes so much away instead of being the punch ( if you know waht I mean )

Shortness ? there is no perfect length sort of ... the song should end when everything is said and done .. there are some very very good songs out there that as for ltrics go they are very short , but they work because they impact immediately ( boom ) .....

Your verses are great but the chorus just doesn't put the polish on them ....

Don't be disheartened by my opinion though after all it's just my opinion and I'm no great song writter just learning like yourself

I hope this will help you ... after all that's why I replied ..

cheers
L.K

Welcome aboard Rob

Definately not bad for a first song EVER.. Good deal. First the disclaimer, if you have been lurking our forum at all then you'll know a few "truths". Its very difficult to give an opinion based on just the lyrics. I am not saying that you cant participate if you cant record it, by any means. But I am saying, take advice with a grain of salt cause you are the only one that KNOWS what it sounds like. I cant tell you how many times people have said "I read your lyrics and I didnt get it, then I listened to it and I really like it"

Second truth is that some will be very honest with you about their opinion but everyone is just trying to make you a better song writer and we can all use that.

So without further...

I agree with LK about the emotion. I think you are probably very emotional about this topic, if you were almost driven to tears but you dont convey that in the song. Be descriptive about what you have seen, read, or heard about those poor men. Tell us about their misery and why the message "Why do they care", which I think is kind of satire if I read it correctly.

The repition I havent a problem with cause you never can really tell if it will or wont work in a song.

Great job Rob... Keep at it. No doubt better than my first ever. By far.

Geoo

Hi guys,

Thanks for the feedback.... I may try to get this recorded but I might need a hand arranging the song. The comments were most appreciated, I do understand what you both mean abou the repetitive chorus. To clarify then... I see the Verse as a gentle, acousticy arpegiatted set of minor chords of some description, with the words spoken, accusingly. The verse I see as an angry electric snarl, with the vocals spat/shouted.... Think System of a Down's BYOB if you like! If this explains the song more, more comments would be fantastic! I may have a crack at writing some music for this, but presently I am visiting home and have no Guitar! :shock:

Thanks again,

Rob

Welcome to SSG

Not much to say that hasn't aleady been said.
Good first effort Looking forward to more.

John

Hi Rob,
not bad for a first up, well done.
Well I'm going to chime in with Lotto King here:
Your verses are great but the chorus just doesn't put the polish on them
To my mind the thing with protest songs is that they have to be accusatory, and really provoke people into having an opinion ( I think I said this last week, oh well). So in those choruses you could say
What do they care?
They're just ………

They don't care
Cos they're …..
Something that tells us how you feel about it, and pointing the finger at the others. That's my opinion anyway.

I look forward to some more of your stuff

Cheers

pbee

Hey Floyd, Not much to add here, I liked the verses very much, just need to work on the chorus. writing lyrics is a lot like writing any thing else i guess, sometimes you need several drafts to get it right and sometimes it right on the first try ( it happened to me once :lol: ) keep up the good work--the dog

Thought I'd revise the song, and repost!

What do they care?

What do they care?
When you return from the front
And what do they know?
Of the ones that you lost

How can they know?
Of the things you have seen.,
Of the youth that is gone,
Of the waste that has been!

What do they care?
They just don't…
What do they care!
They don't feel…

What do they know,
Of the blood that was spilt?
Of the time that was stole?
Of the men who aren't whole…

What do they care?
They just don't…
What do they care!
They don't feel…

And what do they care?
Of the boys with no legs,
Of the kids with no eyes,
Of the souls that are gone.

They don't need us,
They don't want us,
They don't see us

I prefer this version, little more polished i think, but let me know what you think

Rob

I prefer this version, little more polished i think

I agree, its amazing how just a few words in the right place can change a song, well done.

cheers
pbee

I hear this song crying out for a bridge about the disabled vet whom people go out of their way to avoid, and a few lines about taking liberty for granted. Good verses. I like the repeated chous better, but with a bridge like I said.

I've been off the forums for quite some time. Time's fun when you're having flies. Er... something like that.

Anyway, keep writing!

Hi maxwell,

I'll agree and disagree with you there. I like the idea of a different bridge, and the disabled vet (gassed tommy here i feel) i will try to write. But i have to disgree with the liberty/taken for granted theme. The song is about the first world war, and as such, some view the entire campaign as a war crime, in the way mens lives were wasted, not to save anyone from an evil empire, but for trade and world stature. For me it would be innapropriate to make it a patriotic song, as this does not express the way these returning soldiers felt. As I said before, to get an idea of the themes of this, read some of the poetry, truly mindblowing stuff. I will have a crack at that bridge soon though, I think it could fit well.

Cheers,

Rob