Week 32 "She Laughed"

Hey Rue
nice job,
you have painted me an ugly picture,of hatred turned on one self

I apologize in advance if I offend you with this next comment
but if this is truly personal Please Seek Help.

Hi ruepickle
nice job,
Agree!
And most of all I think it's really brave of you being so personal! Not everyone would dare that. It kinda gives the listener/reader a closer relationship to the 'story', -which I think is a good thing, even though the lyrics are about something negative/sad.. makes you really feel that this comes from someone's heart.. it becomes really touching..
-Besides, I think if you're feeling bad about something, it might help putting it into a song, like this, as a way of working your way through it.. playing/ singing your song, listening to the sounds, feeling good about it...
at least then you have taken something negative and turned it into something beautiful..

Do you have a melody for this? Sure would be interesting to hear.

-Peachfur

Hi'a Rue,

The meter is very concise and the content is very clear, I like this...... and i don't think you need help !!!!!! if you can talk about it or write about it, you are well on the healing path !!!!

The best songs come from very personal experiences , so never be shy to let it all out, most of mine are very personal.

Great work,
Ja'mir

Rue,

Well done! I second Ja'mir's sentiments. Personal experiences make the best song fodder. I wouldn't say most of mine are personal, but the ones that I consider to be the best are. Anyways, there are only a couple of lines that I think you might look at. Essentially, the last couple of lines in verses 1 & 2.:
i never meant to annoy
but i recieved a storm

Might flow better as:

Never meant to annoy
wasn't ready for the storm
?

and

i cut because of her remarks

might work better as
"cut by her remarks"

Although, I realize that last one might change the meaning more than you'd like. If so, perhaps there's a better phrasing for that line. Something tighter than "because of". I dunno, see what you think.

On the whole though, I think you should be real proud of this one. Full of feeling, well told, and well written.

-- Scratch

thanks guys, yeah, i like the first correction scratch, it flows a lot better. as for the second, ilike it the way it is. . . :-D

and btw, i am getting help and writing is yesly one way i help myself. . .

Revised Version:

She Laughed

fifth grade tomboy
different from the norm
never meant to annoy
i wasn't ready for the storm

She laughed i cried
she beat me down
thinner than air
it just wasn't fair

eight years later
horrid scarlet marks
a rigid self hater
i cut because of her remarks

She laughed i cried
she beat me down
thinner than air
it just wasn't fair

It haunts my every night
i see her in my dreams
will i win this fight?
will i stop these screams

She laughed, i cried
she beat me down
thinner than air
it just wasn't fair

Hey Ruepickle,

I like the revision. I finally figured out how that other line could fit. It was really bugging me. But I'm OK now. no worries. And you really did well with this one.

-- Scratch

Hi Rue

Personal and Powerful

Good take on the assignment - Well written

Keep 'em coming - Great stuff

Bob :wink:

Rue,

A nice retrospective into why the subject is the way he is. Getting personal is risky, but usually yields great reward. You should be commended for hanging it out there.

The revised version is pretty good. I'm still bugged by the second verse - I know you are trying to convey that the subject is a cutter as a result of the abuse sustained in his youth. I think that part of it is the rhythm of "because" getting in the way and part of it is the rhyming of "marks" with "remarks". There might be a way to retain the meaning and make it flow better. Some other words for the "marks" could include scars, cuts, wounds, etc. Maybe a re-write somthing along the lines of:

Eight years later
horrid scarlet pain
a rigid self hater
Etching flesh again and again

or

Eight years later
I still hear the din
a rigid self hater
The words rip right through my skin

Overall, it is your song...just giving you some options - I'm sure you can come up with something better.

Keep up the good work,

Doug

thanks dude, i really like your ideas, i think i'll playaround withit some more though. . . we'll see what icome up with

eight years later
horrid scarlet scars
a rigid self hater
her words did mar

eight years later
self inflicted cuts
a rigid self hater
she felt like smut

I said it before somewhere - the best ones are always auto-biographical - this cuts!!! - Like a knife to the heart............