Week 37 Technology

Hi LK,

I like your song. I was watching Steve Irwin on Animal Planet the other day showing a monitor ("gorgeous, isnt she a beauty?") so I had a little laugh at that line. The last three choruses, at first I wasnt sure if they worked, but they do and I think if they were sung in a slightly robotic way that would drive the point home. Well done :D .

pb

LK

Good Start. I like the idea you're going with.

It seeme a little random at the moment but you're
going in the right direction.

I like the 3 chorus' at the end they give a sense of
frustration to the song.
Mother boards when your mother comes to stay with you

I thought that was what see did when you returned her to the airport :)

Celt

Greate take, Lotto.

I've was struggling at the start of this assignment for precisely those reasons. Computer lingo has very few original words. The list is endless: memory, virus, import, prompt, port, program, architecture, handshake, floppy (hee hee), window, scroll, click, language, file, log, server, daemon, shell... (in addition to the ones you and bluenight used). So, your assignment was a breath of fresh air.

As far as specific suggestions: I pretty much agree with pbee and the Celt. As a humourous little ditty it works. With a bit of work it'd be a riot.

I like it Lotto. Think it describes the way a lot of us feel, and not just the older people. I'm young and the thing I hate most is cell phones. Just don't get why everyone wants to be so damned accessible.

Anyway, not just commenting on the sentiment, but the song as well. Nice job, especially if you're just seeing it as a rough draft. If you do end up making any changes, I'd be interested to see them. Meantime, I like it.

Joe

Really nice start, and a lot of evocative images.

This has the feel of a rough draft/brainstorming/starting place for what could really be a powerful song.

There's a genuine, personal voice here. And an emotion. And a collection of terrific imagery.

It has all those things going for it now. But I think you could do more with this.

If you want to go further with this (and IMHO, you have something worth working on) what story are you going to tell? What sense of movement and difference are you going to create between the different verses? Choruses are the same, but verses get more powerful and contribute more, if they are different (thematically, in time, in focus) from each other, not separate paraphrases of similar ideas. Anyway, my 2 cents.

Really nice job.

SfDean.

thanks every one for all the responses

will endevour to edit this real soon ( work very busy and son playing football <rugby league> finals ) they made to the next round on saturday
very exciting stuff they had 3 players all at once sinned binned ( sent off for 10 minutes ) :roll:

but anyways back to music , everything that was mentioned has been talen on board , and the monitor ( gorgeous ? ) well Pbee I would have never described one that way but each to their own .

thanks

cheers

L.K :arrow: