Week 43 Capricorn and Scorpio

Hi Beren.

This is good. I like the contrast between the two characters. The way I read it, the following lines are the chorus right?

Nights have always been like this
It was written in the stars
Capricorn and Scorpio
Jupiter and Mars

I like it a lot and it works well, but if it were my song, I wouldn't wait so long to get to it, nor would I put as much space between choruses. Just a thought.

Good work.

:) Portia

Ok.. so I'm really no good at all at nitpicking songs.. but my gut tells me things sometimes.. Like "starlit Sunday night" would both flow better AND gives a little play on words. I like little plays on words. I live for them. Anyway. Cool little story going on.. and you've got the makings of some decent hooks in there with the right melody. And I love the Zodiac.

-a scorpio

Beren,

This is amazingly good. The overall story has been done so many times by so many people, but the way you wrote it it's as though I'm reading it for the first time. That's hard to do.

"Like the moon he could only shine
in somebody else's light"

outstanding lines, those. also:

"Like the sun she liked to shine
On everyone in sight"

terrific. really terrific. There are a number of other lines that I thought were just masterful, and I absolutely hate using so many superlatives in a comment, because there's always the chance that their meaning will be diminished, but this is just very good, Beren. It was a pure joy to read. Thank you.

-- Scratch 8)

Thanks for the comments everyone.
I decided to leave the chorus until I was well into the song so that I could introduce the 2 characters first but I haven't really tried singing it aloud yet so I don't know how that will sound live. I might be tempted to throw it in more often if I can get a good hook in the tune.
You're right Marv 'Sunday' does work better than 'saturday' -damn I wish I had thought of that in the first place but that's what makes this site so fantastic.
Those are my favourite lines too Scratch -they're basically the concept that I wrote the song around.
I'm just waiting for someone to write and tell me I have got the characteristics for a typical capricorn and scorpio wrong. Call it artistic licence I just thought they went together better in the song than leo and aries.
Beren

Hello Beren,

Capricorn & Scorpio Huh! In this house we call them John & Karen. Needless to say I was drawn to this one right from the title. Great chorus:

Nights have always been like this
It was written in the stars
Capricorn and Scorpio
Jupiter and Mars

The only thing is that doesn't sit right is the ending. But maybe that's because my own Carpicorn & Scorpio relationship has been going on for almost 29 years and still going strong. Great song we both enjoyed it.

Carpicorn & Scorpio

Hi Beren

This is really good - I absolutely love the lines
Like the moon he could only shine
In somebody else's light.

They make it an outstanding piece of writing.

Great Stuff

Bob :)

Thanks Bob coming from you I take that as high praise indeed, I'm very flattered.
I'll be honest Celt I have been married to a Scorpio for years now but damn !! I just can't write a happy ending. (Now that really would be a difficult challenge for the week - to write a happy song)
I'm trying to put this one to music at the moment.
Beren (a capricorn)

Beren,

I know what You mean. My Scorpio keeps asking, " Why can't you do a love goes right song?" Write a Happy Ending that would be a tough assignment to do right. Maybe we should start now just in case it ever comes up.

Celt

Reminds me a bit of Dylan, takes a long time to introduce the characters, but well worth the wait, long verses, short choruses.....anyway it's well written, well developed characters, you actually care what happens.......

PS try singing the verses to the chords of "Tangled up in Blue", they fit beautifully.....don't know where you'd fit the choruses tho.........

:) :) :)

hey beren,

it is always a pleasure reading you stuff. and by the way the happy ending assignment was a few weeks ago. sorry you missed it.

i had fun reading this song. i had a smile on my face the whole time. the title really drew me in. titles are very important, and this is a good one. capricorn and scorpio really sound good together.

i have to give props to anyone that could stay with a scorpio for so long. i dated a scorpio and it was fun but boy was it hard. i am a virgo. scorpio and virgo, let me tell you not the best match out there.

nice play on making these zodiac symbols into realy characters. the story plays out just fine, don't sell yourself short. a few lines sounded a little off in my head the way i read them but sung it might be just fine.
Like the moon he could only shine
In somebody else's light.Nights have always been like this
It was written in the stars
Capricorn and Scorpio
Jupiter and Mars
Like the sun she liked to shine
On everything in sight these are all such wonderful lines.

as i was reading the song, it didn't even phase me how long it was. if you hadn't have mentioned it i certainly wouldn't have commented on it. the story just pulls you along so well that you are lost in the moment.

i am into a lot of the zodiac stuff, just for fun. it is really interesting stuff to know how well people really fit their sign. i am certainly a virgo if ever. :)

great job. and to think you tell us you are new to this. i don't believe it. you lie! :lol:

-CheapThrill

hello beren.

as has already been said this one is damn b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l :lol:
it started when i was halfway through verse#1, I smiled and was totally consumed by it:))) ('no sounds, alas, these were no lies...', Maximilian Hecker :wink:)
I have to agree with bob on the lines:)
The dark was just a catalyst wow

and the chorus and everything, great. and just from reading it i wouldn't think it's too long.

keep it up, your songs always touch me in a sweet way(like that one about paris some time ago...have you put it to music?)
bluenightangel