Week 43--Only Words To You

me likes it :D
IT MADE YOU SMILE TO SAY THOSE WORDS
I THINK YOU THOUGHT YOU MEANT THEM

AND MAYBE YOU WANTED
TO MEAN THEM TOO
YOU HAD TO KNOW I'D NEVER FORGET THEM

AND MAYBE YOU TRIED
TO BELIEVE THEM TOO
NOT BELIEVING YOU'D EVER REGRET THEM
that part was especially touching I think. I love the sentiment.

cheers,
bluenightangel

Hi Joe,

One thing that would really help me out would be if you used mixed case. I am a very visual person and all CAPS sometimes makes it hard for me to see the structure of the song.

Anyway back to the song. Overall this I think the song is fine, maybe just a touch on the light side (who am I to talk?). What I think would be nice would be a little less of the maybes and more definite statements like “You said you tried to believe….” . One thing I like to do is to change the last chorus sometimes to nail a point home at the end, I think this song would be cool if you tried that technique here. Oh and I really like the “TO YOU” ‘s I think they work well.
Good work :D .

pb

Hey Pbee,

Thanks. Sorry about the CAPS. It's just the way I usually type it out (double spaced) to make it easy to write music. I'll try and make it more visually friendly for you next time.

As for the "maybe" thing being more "definite," I totally get what you're saying, but this isn't an angry song. It's basically about a girl who was more in love with the idea of being in love than she was with me. Her "intentions" were sincere, it was just her love that wasn't. Hurt a little, but it was hard to be angry at something that wasn't really intentional. At least for me it was. Maybe I'm just too easy.
Anyway, your way's definitely more dramatic but it kind of changes the meaning...at least for me. But as always, I appreciate you making me think in other directions. Thanks again.

Joe

I like to "to you"'s too! I can just feel how good can sound :)

For some reason the maybe's doesn't really bother me. For me, they seem to add some.. I don't know.. personality to the song, like you don't want to put words in her mouth, because you really don't know for sure.

Now, I don't know if this would be a bit much, but I was wondering if it would be a good idea to add another verse. Something about "how she whispered them to me".. ??

Anyway, I like it! :)

Hey, thanks, Man. Yes, good insight about the 'maybes.' I've learned from writing fiction not to move into other people's viewpoints when I'm the one telling the story. People deal with rejection in different ways. Some get angry and want to lay blame. Others prefer to try and understand and not believe the worst about the person they love. This is about the latter.

As for adding an additional verse, that can be done. I'm always afraid of having too much, since songs typically aren't that long, but I like your idea. If I get a chance before the week is over, maybe I'll try the 'whisper' thing. If I do, I'll submit it. Thanks again for the critique, your insight, and suggestion.

Joe

I think the whispers and maybe's would add a lot to a lovely poignant song, go for it !!!!! it adds to the mystery of what if's , or if only's

It is easy to get this effect by taking out the little words as well, sort of thought patterns rather than conversation, know what I mean.

Go well
Ja'mir

Great song Joe. :D

I didn't even have to try and sing it - it just sang itself as I read it.

Do you post Mp3s sometimes? I'd like to hear your version of it if you do. :)

Cheers, Chris.

Hey Joe, very nice work here.

As far as the maybe's... I think it works either way. 'Maybe' implies you're giving her the benefit of the doubt, 'You said' is more accusatory. If you want to build the conflict during the song you could try changing from mabye's to you said's somewhere half-way through, or just the last time through.

My only minor quibble was with:
BUT LIFE GOT IN THE WAY
Unfortunately, that that's been used lots before. I bet there's a great line to capture the same sentiment, but darned if I can think of one.

Good song still.