week 43 - sozay

Sozay,

You have some terrific lines here. I particularly like the whole "setting sun" motif, and the way you move the point of view from you to we to I. A couple things didn't quite make sense to me initially, but when I went to mention them here, they kinda fell into place, so I don't have much of a critique, I'm afraid. Other than to say I like it.

-- Scratch 8)

Hi'a ... long time no hear, good to have you back.

A great take on the assignment but a tad complex for the listener I think. One line in the beginning smile thou pained caught me at the beginning and stayed in my mind reading the rest. I love these lines though
The skies, the winds, the heavens
Something has weighed down on me
And I fall like rain, right thru your hands
And stain you perfect feet
Maybe if you simplify the first verse a bit so I am not confused before I start. Well just my 2 c worth !!!!

Go well
Ja'mir

This could so easily have been over-sentimental in the wrong hands, but it's beautifully developed.......

The line Jamir quoted, "Smile thou pained", had me confused though....is it meant to read like that or should it be "Smile though pained"? It seems to work either way I read it, but just changes the sense fractionally....

Good song!!!

:) :) :)

hey sozay,

i do have to agree about the first verse as mentioned before. it is a bit confusing for me too. the setting sun motif is really nice. scratch mentioned the shifting pov from you to we to i, i didn't even notice that till scratch said it. after rereading the song and thinking about the shifting pov, it is nice.

i like this sweet little song.

good job.

-CheapThrill

And I fall like rain, right thru your hands
And stain you perfect feet
this one got me speechless:)

really like this song a lot, you're a great poet.
I can't claim to fully understand the last two lines of verse one but I wouldn't change them...they sound grand.

thanks.
bluenightangel

Thanks Guys,

that should have been a "though". A case of me being a bit lazy with my abreviations... hopefully that alteration will make the first verse make a bit more sense. If the first verse is still confusing, the couple stting at a candlelit dinner both give a pained smile as "the one i love" (by REM) comes on the radio. they both think it ironic, but for different reasons. the girl has given everything to the one she loves, and to her the song is aboout that. to the man he is smiling at 1. her misunderstanding the song 2. what it actually means which is anger at someone he loves/loved leaving him behind... (this goes out to the one i love... fire) in his opinion anyway.
think i'll have to get back in here on a regular basis, as i was in a bit of a rut and this came out of nowhere.

thanks again
sozay

now it makes perfect sense:)
thanks for explaining it.
such a depth behind it;)

yes please come back here on a regular basis I'd like to read more of your stuff:)
bluenightangel