Week 48 - First time on here, here goes nothin'

I do have to say nice job for a first post, but I did notice some things. In your first verse there are just too many things to think about and really are unnecessary. We try and keep things simple and uniform.
It's been 15 years since I'd seen her,
Still old wounds don't easily mend.
She's standing with a guy,
That I used to call my friend.
Though I'm here with my Wife.
And she's showing pictures of our kids.
This woman in front of me,
Is the one I wanna be with.

if your tried to rhyme kids and with, it doesnt work to well and I would suggest revising that. I cannot think of anything rfor that right now.
How about :

15 years since I last saw her,
old wounds dont easily mend,
She's standing with that guy,
That I used to call my friend,
Though, I'm here with my wife,
Showing pictures of our kids,
This woman in front of me,
The one I want to be with.

See how everythingn is nice and uniform now but doesnt really take away main point of the song?

She comes across and says "Hi"
This is how I react.
I say "Have we met before"
And she takes a step back.
She says "You really don't remember?"
"We used to have quite a thing"
So I put my hand on my wife's shoulder, and say,
"Before her everything else was just a fling".

She comes across and says hi,
Now this is how I react,
I asked if we have met before,
suddenly she steps back,
"You really dont remember?"
"We used to have quite a thing"
Put my hand on my wifes shoulder,
told her "everything was just a fling"

Well that whole stanza may need revising but thats what I can do for now.

Verse threee looks fairly good,

Overall very nice attempt for a first try and keep up the good work. Eventually you will get the hang for it and it will kick in, practice always makes perfect. I look back at some of my first posts and say "WT* was I thinking!" lol but I do feel this song is fairly good and has a lot of potential.

Nice work spadge,

very good debut. the story moves along well from verse to verse, chorus ties it all up nicely, and the different bridge at the end of each verse works well.

look forward to seeing more.
sozay

hey spadge,

first off i do have to say that i agree totally with bst. he is right about your song sounding wordy. with a song you don't have to use total sentences. put only the words that are turely necessary to get the point across. i sometimes have a hard time doing that.

but over all you did a good job with the story. i like that perspective you chose. i love the chorus, those two lines certainly sum up the whole feel of the song. and the way you used a different bridge throughout the song, nice touch.

good job for your first shot. i think you have potential to write something really good in the future.

-CheapThrill

I agree up to a point, I don't think it needs too radical an overhaul......a lot of songs on here are like that, just need a bit of spit-and-polish, abit of fine tuning if you like.....BST made some good suggestions.......some lines seem longer than they sound......I always play something through at least a couple of times before I post it, rather than just go through it mentally.......

Any way, very good effort for a first try....you certainly got the atmosphere across, some nice lines in there..........

All night long I watch the clock,
And pray that I dont catch her gaze.
She'd see right through this long lost look.
That's etched upon my face.

very neat twist..........

Anyways, welcome to guitarnoise, neighbour, you're only about 6-7 miles from where I live.....and not far from "Gaz" in Chorley......

:) :) :)

Vic.

Nice song, I can see the imagery clearly. I'm new to this myself :lol: . I find it helpfull to go over each line and see if i can say what i want in fewer words. nice tidy chorus also :)

Hi All.

Thanks for your comments.

I can see the need for shortening the verses, I had in mind whilst writing, something akin to Johnny Cash meets BB King, kind of loose, a la the Man In Black, and some comic twists BB King style.

Hi Vic, was going to e-mail you last night as I noticed where you were from.

Looking forward to future assignments, even though I write for the band I am in, its a good challenge to have to write something about a subject that really does'nt matter to maybe yourself.
I am always asking the other band members to come up with song ideas, when they do I will be ready for it, with the practise I'm getting here.

Cheers All..

Spadge.

spadge -

Excellent job.

The only additional comment I would make is about your bridges. From my understanding, a very loose definition of a bridge is a set of lyrics and musical phrases that are heard once in a song. And popular songwriting forms usually only include one bridge. Of course, give that whatever weight you'd like 'cause sometimes convention is limiting... ;)

Perhaps change the bridges you have now to pre-choruses or builds that musically that lead in to the chorus, as they do lyrically now.

Just a thought. I look forward to reading more of your work!

Spadge,

Most of what needs to be said has already been taken care of So NICE WORK and Welome. I liked what Vic Said about "spit-and-polish" Looking forward to more from You.

Celt

PS Johnny Cash meets B.B.King Now that I'd like to hear.

Hi Spadge

Welcome to the SSG

That's a really good first time assignment. Very, very clever and really well written. Some lines that just made me think WOW I know exactly how that feels.

The polish will come for this when you start to play it through.

Great stuff - glad you stopped by.

Bob :wink:

What do the Polish want with me.

What have I ever done to them ????

BTW... I am only joking, I know he meant polish, or did he, and he's part of the Polish mafia too.... thats it I'm gone....