Y3 Week 37--A New Release

hey that was really cool. i liked that.

SfDean

Very good, I like it too.

I'm not getting a clear since of rythm though.

What kind of musical setting do you see this in?

Celt

Hey sfdean,

I really enjoyed this song. I loved the 1st chorus except for this line
Alone, I do .
Something like "lonely without you" works better for me( and even thats probably not the best line you could use here).
Im not that keen on the last 2 lines of verse 2 either
Give me a try, ‘cause the marketing guys
Say that I'm gonna be great

just doesnt quite do it for me. As far as an intimate plea to your loved one goes, who the h@ll are the marketing guys.

Overall though, this is a cool song, well done :D .

pb

I'm not getting a clear since of rythm though.

What kind of musical setting do you see this in?

Celt

Well, there's the problem. (One of several problems, actually.) This lyric isn't good enough, interesting enough, or promising enough to take to either of the composers I often co-write with, and with whom I have a nice give-and-take relationship where we kick around how it's going to go best. (And with them, our collaborations are also generally more sucessful with partially finished lyrics, not a complete set, so there's a little more room to match the music and words.) And, although I like some of the lines individually, it's probably not good enough for me to use very long as a "waffle" song for composition exercise. (Play around with on the guitar and the piano for a while and then throw out when it gets soggy.)

I think your question is a very polite way of pointing out some trouble I'm already having in working up the melody (and a classic problem, with "lyric first" songs.) There are some rythm changes in the lines that are somewhat ideosyncratic and make for complicated through-composed sections.

I like some of the individual lines, and had some fun with the concept, but I think there are some major problems with the song:

1. No clear, simple rythm. (Needs a major rewrite in matching to melody and harmony. Or genius. And on that front, sadly, when working by myself I nod toward the "if you can't say something truly original, then at least sing it in a pentatonic scale over predictable chord changes and a four bar turnaround" school of ballad assembly. Though I'm working on it.)
2. Chorus is too long. (See also 1 above.)
3. Probably fatal flaw: Kind of hard to get behind the idea of the lyric, which is that the singer has some basic deficiencies and thinks his life will be fixed if he (A) changes completely and (B) hooks up with the person he's singing to. Not an unheard of concept in pop music, but still. There might be a way to pull this off in a humorous context, but I haven't quite captured that here.

My current attempts at waffle making with this stiff batter are to try to do it as an up-tempo song, to try to capture a little of the manic sense of the singer's attempt at the hard sell and to capitalize on the potential humor/desperation that isn't quite flushed out there. But we're getting pretty soggy pretty fast.

Still, I had a lot of fun with the extended metaphor and the standard author's excessive pride with some of the lines. ("nothing reincarnation couldn't fix" as the lead in from the verse to the chorus's "I need a new version" and playing with the "features" to refer both broadly and to, say, the singer's nose.) I might play around with this some more, but if I post revised lyrics they'll probably look a lot different.

Thanks for your feedback.

SfDean.

I loved the 1st chorus except for this line
Alone, I do .
Something like "lonely without you" works better for me( and even thats probably not the best line you could use here).
Im not that keen on the last 2 lines of verse 2 either
Give me a try, ‘cause the marketing guys
Say that I'm gonna be great

just doesnt quite do it for me. As far as an intimate plea to your loved one goes, who the h@ll are the marketing guys.

pb

Thanks pbee--I think you're dead on in identifying problems. the "alone, I do" has all the hallmarks of both (a) inside out sentence writing (lyrics from hell) and (b) the worst of the my-name-is-Sting and look what I found in the rhyming dictionary school of lyric writing.

As you point out, the marketing guys line obviously fell flat. It was intended as kind of a software joke. (Marketing always says the next version is gonna be great.) But songs lyrics that require a set of footnotes aren't good lyrics.

Excellent feedback, thanks for passing it on.

SfDean.

Here's the rewrite. Cut the chorus in half, and came back to it in a couple of different ways. Snipped the ugliest lines, added a bridge and made a few tweaks to the lyrics to reduce some of my objections.

SfDean

A New Release

I'm looking at my life
And I see it's running slow
Outdated, badly rated
And all just stand alone
I know I need
To make a change or six
But it's nothing, no it's nothing
Reincarnation couldn't fix

(Chorus)
I need a new release
A version 3.0 of me
I guess with some new features
‘Cause I don't think much of these
Yeah, but what I'd like to see
‘s connectivity
With you
Ooh, ooh

I'm working on the changes
And soon they'll be installed
I'll let you play the demo, hey
If you return my call
You know I need
To make a change or two
But there's nothing, no there's nothing
I couldn't do with you

Yeah I'll be a new release
A version 3.0 of me
I guess with some new features
How do you like these?
Yeah, what I'd like to see
‘s connectivity
With you
Ooh, ooh

(Bridge)
‘Cause every night
I crash at home, alone.
And one plus one's
Way more than one, I know.
Oh please pick up the phone
Help me rewrite my life,
Replace each broken piece--
You'll find a new release

Yeah, I'll be a new release
A version 3.0 of me
And with a lot of features
Yeah, all made to please
Just what I'd like to see
Connectivity
With you
Ooh, ooh
My new release

Hey SF,

I kinda liked your first version better, or maybe a combination of both.
I need a new release
A version 3.0 of me
I guess with some new features
‘Cause you don’t think much of these
The change I’d make
With that update
Is connectivity
With you
‘Cause every night I crash
Alone, I do
I wish there was a simple fix
I could download by phone
Rewrite my life, each broken piece
I need a new release

You're right this was a little long, but I liked a lot of the lines. I tried re-arranging them, but the choruses of the original and the revision are so different, I wasn't sure what kind of rhythm you had going in your head. But maybe this'll at least spark some thoughts of your own.

I need a new release
A 3.0 version of me
‘Cause I don’t seem to be having
Much success with these

A rewrite of myself
That you can log on to
With all updated features
And a faster connection to you

The title still works and you can even add, "Oh yeah I need a new release." Or else you could even change the title to "A Faster Connection To You." Or "better" connection, whichever works. I don't know, and I don't wanna rewrite your song, but hopefully I at least sparked some ideas. Enjoyed the song (despite all the technical flaws you claim it has).

Joe

Joe--

Thanks. You've given me some ideas, and I like your concept of a _faster_ connection and your line "much success with these." I think I'll tie the much success with these to a line about features.

I'll play around with this some more.