I've somehow written a country song... ew... :P
A nod to james, because I used the word 'evermore', heh.
It's a bit of a strange one this one, interested to hear your views in any case. :lol:
One day I left a downtown store
With a spring in my step
The girl that only I adore
Was the one that I'd just met
As time goes on
And love grows strong
I cherish every minute
Cause someday she'll move on
And I just wish she wouldn't
Oh, the clock goes on
Ticking in my head
Every little second
Every little thing she says
Oh now it wont be long
Till I'll be left with an empty bed
And just that clock
Ticking in my head
Now every morning evermore
The mist is growing thicker
With the dirty imprint on the floor
Of her favourite tiny slipper
And now that she is off my shore
And shipped off with another
Perhaps it's time to cut the ropes
And find forever after
Oh, the clock goes on
Ticking in my head
Every little second
Every little thing she said
Oh now that she is gone
I'm just left with an empty bed
And just that clock
Ticking in my head
(As an aside, here's some angry rock lyrics woo) :twisted:
It doesn't make you fine
Just because you're on my mind
It's gonna take a little longer
For me to steal your thunder
It doesn't waste your time
Just to spend it with mine
It's gonna take a little longer
For me to steal your thunder
Hi Jay,
Looks like you've got a framework of find a girl....lose a girl.
Suggestion: Consider laying out a time frame of events in the relationship to build believable characters.
For example:
The girl that only I adore
Was the one that I'd just met
Why are you the only one that adores this girl and how can you adore a girl you just met?
These lines are telling instead of showing:
As time goes on
And love grows strong
I cherish every minute
"Cause someday she'll move on"
Why will she move on?
And now that she is off my shore
And shipped off with another
So she leaves the singer for someone else....but he still misses her?.....but he knew she would be leaving?
Consider sticking with one emotional angle.....loved her and miss her.....or jaded glad she is gone.
Good work at getting it started :D Maybe just clarify the relationship and events a bit....and a few more tie-ins to the title or reference to "clocks" or "time"
Take or leave what you see fit.
James
FWIW, I like this one. I think its strength is its simplicity and a good rhythm to the words.
Yes, there could be more story, there could be more references etc. But for me it works pretty well as it is, with the story playing second fiddle to the rhythm, repetition, and directness of the lyrics.
Thanks guys :)
I agree with both of you in part.
I do like the suggestions you made james, I think the story got jumbled at some point there. Maybe I can play on the expected moving on because things are more distant/relationship breakdown? Something like that may work.
Oh and the good ol show vs tell arguement, must remember to show more ;)
Jay
