Y8W13 Lottery

Well, my comments wouldn't mean a thing if I weren't honest, so here goes: I don't think this song is working this way.

I think the main problem is that you're using winning the lottery as a metaphor for asking the girl behind the counter out, while you're also letting the guy in the song really buy a ticket. It makes it seem like you're telling two stories in one song.
The third verse ("Against the odds...") works very well, but the second verse is confusing because I'm not sure whether this is meant as a metaphor or not. I think you should make it clearer that the guy is fighting against his own fear, because now you're saying that if he wins the lottery he'll also ask the girl out, between which I don't see the connection.

The chorus lines "If I were the one; if you chose me / I'd feel like I just won the lottery" are very good, but the first two I don't like a lot, for the same reasons as the second verse.
My suggestion for the first two lines of the chorus would be these: "My chances seem so very slim / I fear that I will never win". That would make the double meaning of winning clearer.

Also the line "Toss a winning ticket in the bin" doesn't make sense in this context. It does make sense as a metaphor for the guy being too afraid to the girl out, but in the literal sense I can't understand why someone would throw a winning ticket away.
"Toss another ticket in the bin" would be a better alternative, since this would make sense both literal and as a metaphor.

Anyway, these are just my thoughts and suggestions. I tried to explain as best as I could what I don't like about it and how it could be better, and I think you appreciate that. I really do think this is a good idea for a song, btw.

Hi Chris,

> I tried to explain as best as I could what I don't like about it and how it could be better, and I think you appreciate that.
Yes, I do appreciate it very much :mrgreen:

>Well, my comments wouldn't mean a thing if I weren't honest, so here goes: I don't think this song is working this way.
Thank you for your honesty.

>I think the main problem is that you're using winning the lottery as a metaphor for asking the girl behind the counter out, while you're also letting the guy in the song really buy a ticket.
Yes, maybe trying too hard to be clever. :? The guy is buying a ticket just to see her.

>It makes it seem like you're telling two stories in one song.
Ok...that's not the intention, but I understand it's not clear.

>the second verse is confusing because I'm not sure whether this is meant as a metaphor or not. I think you should make it clearer that the guy is fighting against his own fear,
Yes. In his mind he has a million to one shot [to fit the assignment :wink: ]that she would be willing to go out with him, so he keeps waiting....hoping.... kind of like the song by Mr. Big -"Just to be the Next to Be With You" idea

>because now you're saying that if he wins the lottery he'll also ask the girl out, between which I don't see the connection.
Good point. The idea is the girl thinks he's praying for luck to win the lottery, when really he is praying for courage to ask her out....but I didn't want to reveal...not yet in the song.....that his purpose for going everyday was only to see her. The lottery ticket was the ruse to see here.

>The chorus lines "If I were the one; if you chose me / I'd feel like I just won the lottery" are very good, but the first two I don't like a lot, for the same reasons as the second verse.My suggestion for the first two lines of the chorus would be these: "My chances seem so very slim / I fear that I will never win". That would make the double meaning of winning clearer.

I'll see what could be reworked here. It's tricky finding a chorus that is repetitive when the story action is moving foward. :roll: ...I went for deeper irony as well that he thinks having her will make his life SO much better like he would feel he won the lottery.....but when he actually won the lottery, he had no feelings that made his life better, so he is out of touch with what he thinks he wants and what he really wants to be happy.....I think there is a universal feeling there, but it takes a bit of life learning, wrong choices, bad paths before people get honest with themselves between what they say they want what they really want.

>Also the line "Toss a winning ticket in the bin" doesn't make sense in this context. It does make sense as a metaphor for the guy being too afraid to the girl out, but in the literal sense I can't understand why someone would throw a winning ticket away.
I was trying to go for a Mr. Bean or Forest Gump moment where the listener cringes that someone would be so "irresponsible/stupid"......it was meant to reveal that he really doesn't care about the money....In his mind, if he really won the lottery, he wouldn't have a reason to go in everyday and buy more tickets...so he tosses the winning ticket so he can continue his daily meeting with the girl in hopes of one day having enough courage to ask her out....the idea is he gets what he SAYS he wants but doesn't get what he REALLY WANTS... :roll:

>"Toss another ticket in the bin" would be a better alternative, since this would make sense both literal and as a metaphor.
Yes, execept that was to be the payoff or emotional climax.... :cry:

>I really do think this is a good idea for a song, btw.
Thanks. I'll see what I can do for clarity's sake :wink: I am trying the approach to just WRITE even if it's "bad/weak/half-baked".... just do it....but at some point along the process which is now after getting feedback :wink: , it definitely needs reworking.

Musically, I feel like I keep treading over the same ideas again as well :roll: .....oh well...onward and onward.....

Thanks again. :D

James

*POOF** :mrgreen: Clarity of main idea

Feedback?

This is so much better now! The verses now do at good job at pulling me into the story. You've sacrificed a lot of the complexity you originally intended, but gained a lot of clarity for that.
That last line is a great end to the song btw, I forgot to mention that before.
I went for deeper irony as well that he thinks having her will make his life SO much better like he would feel he won the lottery.....but when he actually won the lottery, he had no feelings that made his life better, so he is out of touch with what he thinks he wants and what he really wants to be happy.....I think there is a universal feeling there, but it takes a bit of life learning, wrong choices, bad paths before people get honest with themselves between what they say they want what they really want.
That may have been the intention, but I didn't get that story from the original lyrics. It's only a thin line between too subtle and too obvious, and the first version was a little too much to the subtle side, I think.
But you're not alone there, I'm in constant doubt about whether all the stuff in my lyrics will be picked up other people. That's what this forum is all about, right? :mrgreen:
I am trying the approach to just WRITE even if it's "bad/weak/half-baked".... just do it....but at some point along the process which is now after getting feedback :wink: , it definitely needs reworking.
Musically, I feel like I keep treading over the same ideas again as well :roll: .....oh well...onward and onward.....
Well, as the saying goes "practice makes perfect" so it can't hurt to keep writing (actually, I should follow your example there :roll: ).
And you really this one is musically similar to Phoenix?

Hey Chris,
And you really this one is musically similar to Phoenix?
No...not similar to Phoenix.....Phoenix, for me, my most blatant rip-offs musically. I guess "Rain" was different as well.....maybe similar to "Why Not?"....so maybe I wrote that comment without enough thought to it. :P
You've sacrificed a lot of the complexity you originally intended, but gained a lot of clarity for that.
Yes, I agree....but in the end I'm happier with the result :)....although the surgery wasn't fun during the process. :roll:
But you're not alone there, I'm in constant doubt about whether all the stuff in my lyrics will be picked up other people. That's what this forum is all about, right? :mrgreen:
Right! :mrgreen:

Thanks again for the feedback! :D

James

Hi James,
I think this seems like a strong song (the updated version). I love the snappy rhythm within each line, it reminds me of early rock'n'roll, maybe some Chuck Berry or particularly the verses of Jailhouse Rock.

Just a couple of comments on minor things:

1) When I read the first two lines I thought the sentences were in the imperative form, i.e.
(You must) Get off the bus at your stop
(You should) Know when you're working and off the clock

It's not quite as snappy but perhaps you could start with:
I get off the bus at your stop
Just to make it clear from the start that you're singing in the first person.

2) In two consecutive lines you have "Got you to laugh" and "please don't laugh". Repetition of laugh. (That's not illegal, but maybe the second one could become "turn" to avoid this?)

Hi Martin,
Just a couple of comments on minor things:
Both are good suggestions. I have to catch up a bit on "life" in the next couple days, but I'll make a note of the suggested changes. :D

Thanks.

James