Y9 W1 - Everyday Blues.

Hi Vic

And it's good to see you getting going right out of the gate. Very cool!

I'm afraid that I may be rusty in explaining things, so my apologies in advance. One of the things I really wanted people to focus on to start with this first week is using repetitive lines. Mostly so that they can try to pull out the best of the many lines and ideas that they are certainly going to come by.

With your permission, here's a re-write of your piece, totally rough please understand, that's a little more in line with the idea of the assignment:

Everyday Blues.

I can't remember the last time that I laughed, I know I've got to lose these everyday blues.
I can't remember the last time that I laughed, I know I've got to lose these everyday blues.
I've been fooling myself by sticking around, thinking that life can only improve,
I can't remember the last time that I laughed, I know I've got to lose these everyday blues.

Sometimes I feel like packing a bag with just a few basics and getting away,
Sometimes I feel like packing a bag with just a few basics and getting away,
Well I'm saying "sometimes," but what I really mean is every single day,
Sometimes I feel like packing a bag with just a few basics and getting away,

I need to feel the warmth of the sunshine, and I've got to find a little good cheer.
I need to feel the warmth of the sunshine, and I've got to find a little good cheer.
It's just that I need a little pleasure sometimes, something that's sadly lacking here,
I need to feel the warmth of the sunshine, and I've got to find a little good cheer.

I can't remember the last time that I laughed, I know I've got to lose these everyday blues.
I can't remember the last time that I laughed, I know I've got to lose these everyday blues.
There's only one way to make things better, hitting the road, yeah, I've got to move,
I can't remember the last time that I laughed, I know I've got to lose these everyday blues.
_____________________________________________________________________________

Trouble is that you've got a lot of great lines and ideas to work from so part of me doesn't want you to lose the song you already wrote. So I tried to keep what I thought were the absolute winners intact and to give them a little more punch in this more typical "only two actual lines in the verse" style the blues often has.

I love the idea of going from the I to the II to the V, by the way. I'm assuming that's a major II, right? Both would work nicely. This progression could also sound great in the second line (using the II instead of the IV) if someone wanted to do so.

Looking forward to hearing this if you get the chance to record it.

And, again, good to see you back writing.

Peace

Ah, my mistake, I was using the chord structure as the template rather than the lyrical structure - well, if nothing else, we've managed between us to give everyone else a pattern to work to! I like the re-write - it'd work well as a long slow blues, IMO, with plenty of spaces for solos....but I also enjoyed the writing process and getting a song out this week which didn't seem to be laboured. For some strange reason I always find the blues an easy genre to write in....
I love the idea of going from the I to the II to the V, by the way. I'm assuming that's a major II, right?

Ummm - that's how it started, then I got to messing around with minor 7ths, and playing around with the 9ths on the top E string.....hammering on and pulling off.

Am7 - 575555 and Am(add9) - 575557, then up two frets for Bm7 and Bm(add9) then a further three frets for Dm7 and Dm(add9). The Am(add9) is the chord Clapton uses in "Badge" at the end of each verse, BTW. I've used the same progression before, and I've just remembered when....Y6, Week 1 - write a blues song. Wonder who set that assignment? The music, though, was for the SCW week 1 assignment....

If I get a chance, I'll try and record this...space and privacy are at a bit of a premium at the moment, though.

And hey, there's all week left to come up with something else....

:D :D :D

Vic

Hi Vic,

Good start :D You definitely captured the mood of the blues with your lyrics. I like Dave's suggestions a lot as well as they seem to make the lyrics more "hooky" or memorable.

I hope you have time to record :wink:

Thanks for sharing.

James

Hi Vic,

I really like the first two lines of the song - they sound great and I wish I'd written them.

Overall the song seems a bit wordy to me - the line lengths are pretty long. I reckon you could beef it up by aiming to cut each line down by 20-30% - find more succinct ways to say what you want to say.

Example:
I've been fooling myself, waiting for life to improve
The only thing left is to hit the road, gotta move
I'm tired of this mask, being brave when dreams are dashed
And I'll never laugh until I lose these everyday blues

Good luck!

I like the lyric but I think it needs a different song format than 16 bar blues. Is this something that you had been working on with a different structure?

I like the lyric but I think it needs a different song format than 16 bar blues. Is this something that you had been working on with a different structure?

No, the lyrics came off the top of my head, Saturday night and then Sunday morning. I'm thinking you may be right that it needs a slightly different format - David's rewrite works better as a blues, whereas I'm now thinking hard rock or even a 16-bar boogie for the original.

I do have a lot of old songs that have never been aired, mainly because I was dissatisfied with the final product, which may be revamped or rewritten someday, but this isn't one of them. I've already dug a few out which seemed to fit with that week's assignment but needed working on and got almost a new song out of them - I never, ever throw ANYTHING out completely! (Hah - you should see my attic. Or then again, maybe not.....)

:D :D :D

Vic

Hey Vic

Lots of good suggestions and I must say I agree with most of them
Not much to add except it's good to see you writing again.

:note1: :note1: :note1:

John

Hi Vic, I'm really getting the blues with these lines. I Davids like rewrite too. If you've got a minute I'd really like to hear it with the chords you were playing around with.

Sorry I was not around to say goodbye but hello.