Y9W2 - My Little Town

Hey Ernie,

I really like your chord progressions and melody on this one. :D

Suggestions:
Here you have 2 musical phrases but one lyrical phrase. Consider matching phrases.
My long lost little town
Has changed so much
Since our fathers first broke ground

Where people spend their gold ["gold" seems out of context....maybe something along the line of credit cards]

Oh why can't it be
A small town where I was once free [Consider expanding on defining "free"....free from what?.....free to do what?]
Oh can't you see -Not really....consider more details to help the listener understand
A small town with only you and me [2 people seems too small....maybe something like "My little town was the perfect life for/to me"

Over there I went to school
Now it's gas pumps and car parks
And a giant swimming pool..............nice details
Highways and byways wind around
It makes me dizzy -Maybe something about traffic jams
Just driving in to town

Good start :D Nice vocals and good playing for just having written the song; especially with the musical twists and turns.

Thanks for sharing.

James

Hi Ernie

Love the MP3. As James mentions, you've got a great chord progression and a terrific melody. I'll be singing this for the rest of the day (between you and Mr.E I'm getting a lot of earworms these days! :wink: )!

I also like the idea and the dramatic change with the bridge at the end of the song (you could call it a "coda" if you'd like). Makes a very good closing statement.

Thoughts:

Could make "Lost Little Town" or "My Lost Little Town" the title.

I also find myself agreeing with James on a number of his other points. "Gold" at the end of the first verse is definitely a bit out of place because of how it's used. You could make the same point by going simpler:

It used to be a two lane road
Now it's shopping malls
Where hopes are bought and sold ("dreams," "lives," or even "souls" could substitute for "hopes")

And the chorus definitely needs some reworking. This is just off the top of my head so my apologies for that:

Walk all around you'll never see
That little town that's home to you and me
Look all around you'll never see
Our lost little town is just a memory

You've done a terrific job in capturing a feeling of change and loss and, perhaps even more important, I think that you've got the material here to make this even better.

Very much looking forward to more!

Peace

Thanks for the feedback.

Suggestions:
Here you have 2 musical phrases but one lyrical phrase. Consider matching phrases.
My long lost little town
Has changed so much
Since our fathers first broke ground

Can you expand on this James? I am not sure what you mean by matching phrases. The 3rd line actually goes with the second, I think that is what you are referring to, but it looked weird on paper to have a short phrase and then a long one so I broke it up and intended to break it up while singing but I ended up plowing right through it. All of the verses do that I think. So really I guess they should be written like this:

My long lost little town
Has changed so much since our fathers first broke ground
It used to be a two lane road
Now it's shopping malls where people spend their gold

Ernie

Can you expand on this James?

I'll try....
Musically you have 2 phrases
"My long lost little town"....that's the first musical phrase

"Has changed so much since our fathers first broke ground"....that's the second musical phrase [in this case, it's basically a repeat of the first musical phrase with a slight variation]

But lyrically, the whole section is one phrase
"My long lost little town has changed so much since our fathers first broke ground"

Lyrically "My long lost little town" is an incomplete phrase....but musically you have it as a complete phrase

An example of a match between lyric and music phrases might be:
My long lost little town has changed
It's changed so much since our fathers first broke ground

This is where I've heard the idea
Melodic Phrases and Lyric Phrases: Another Aspect of Preserving the Natural Shape of the Language
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_x--VgC0_UI&feature=channel
So really I guess they should be written like this:

My long lost little town
Has changed so much since our fathers first broke ground
It used to be a two lane road
Now it's shopping malls where people spend their gold

The second one matches up (2 lyrical phrases and 2 musical phrases)
It used to be a two lane road (first idea- complete)
Now it's shopping malls where people spend their gold (second idea- complete)

....the first section doesn't match up the same way as the second section.......any clearer?

Ernie this is a great song, I love it :D .

I did however find myself wanting to sing the chorus this way
Oh why can't it be
That small town where I was once free
Oh can't you see
A small town with only you and me

cheers
Paul

Hi pbee, thank you for the comment. The chorus was fluff. Filler because I could not come up with something else. I do like how your version, just the one word That, seems to solidify it a little more. Maybe that will make a difference and help to give the chorus some support.

I think James is right in that the word free needs clarification. It actually had no concrete meaning for me while writing but just fulfilled a rhyme. The part about it being only 2 people doesn't make sense unless it is really a love song. But while writing that idea never surfaced. Many people have the idea that small towns can be havens of gossip, everyone's actions are scrutinized, and so one is never really alone.

I actually like David's chorus now that I've let it sink in and perhaps I'll utilize it.

Ernie

It tells a great story. Cogent and concise. Good job.

The story comes across very well and the central emotion - nostalgia for a place - is something most people can relate to easily.

Lyrically, the only thing missing is any description of the town you remember. All you say is that it was a two-lane road, with a school. The song could be a little more personal and unique if you described a couple of the other things in that town, say a park, a certain shop, a street sign, a tree, a house or its inhabitant, an event, some formative experience.

Really I'm just comparing your song to Penny Lane, which is totally unfair. Your song is its own thing. But from Penny Lane you can get my idea about building up the overall level of detail. You might prefer not to spoil what you already have though...

It's a good idea. The song is short and could use some more detail. I'll check out Penny Lane.
In fact I do have a scratch verse about grainy photos of the town being all that is left.

Thank you,
Ernie