This is incomplete so ideas are welcome. I sometimes have real trouble finishing lyrics. Story and theme are difficult to narrow down. Eventually after a few months I might finish it but I'd like to develop ways to move ahead when stuck. I do know some ways to do that. In this particular tune the word sausage is a major stumbling block.
Oath is about a man who has made a vow to his lover but he has broken it and is compelled to make it right. He wants to honor his oath. It is important for his integrity and his respect for the other. And he wants to save the relationship. The randomly generated words park, comet, oath, and sausage are to be incorporated.
http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=9923409
Park the car
Next to the floral shop
So I can go inside
And swallow all my pride
Like the comet
Surfing the solar wind
My life's been quite a ride
It's better with you by my side
(chorus)
I took an oath to my friend and lover
Intent laid bare and spoken with luster
I want to keep my end of the deal
I took an oath to make this real
(tongue in cheek)
Like a sausage
Crackling over the fire
I'm tasty in a bun
With ketchup I'm much fun
verse
| Am / / / | G6add9 / / / | G / / / / | Em / / / | C / / / | F / / / | C / / / | F / / / |
| Am / / / | G6add9 / / / | G / / / / | Em / / / | C / / / | F / / / | C / / / | Em9 / D11 / |
| Bm / Bm/A / |
"All battles are first won or lost in the mind." - Joan of Arc
"It took me about 20 years to figure out how to write without inspiration. Thankfully, I got there." - Leon Russell
Hey Ernie,
I really like your vocal delivery, playing and chord choices btw :D
Suggestions:
This is taking the idea that he tells her about being unfaithful or she can find out and confront him.....either way, he has regret and still wants it to work out.....so starting off with the figurative "comet" then next verse making a simile that the affair is a crashed comet.....then verse 3 & 4 giving more literal details of his way to make up and how she took it.....the rest could follow literal details....as in dealing with the reality of what he has done....you could leave it open ended as to if she takes him back or not......so figurative language is used when things are well and "dreamy" in the relationship then literal language dealing with the mess he made"....
Like the comet
Surfing the solar wind
My life's been quite a ride
It's better with you by my side
Till I came crashing down
(cheated)
....want to move on but can't without
saying what I have to say
Park the car
Next to the floral shop
So I can go inside
And swallow all my pride
I know I broke your heart
down at the park by the sausage cart
now you'll question everything I say
funny how the truth gets in the way
...not sure how you want to work the chorus....oath might not be the best to hang the song on b/c it's actually a broken oath you are talking about.....maybe something about the comet crash....or....second chances.....
I really like your vocal delivery, playing and chord choices btw
Thanks for being willing to be open to share a work in progress. :wink:
James
Ernie,
I like what you got so far.
When I get stuck sometimes I find that if I step back and
let the character tell the story and not try to push rhyme
meter and such I get an outline to edit after. That method
is hard with this assignment seeing the use of 4 words.
Suggestions:
Like the comet
Nit Pic I know but I think "Like A comet"
would work better or the name of a particular comet. " Like Haley's comet"?
It's better with you by my side
I 'm thinking you may want to use "Her by my side"
That would go better with what you set up with the first verse where you
seem to be telling the story present tense. This would also lead up to my
next suggest.
I would lose the "sausage" verse . It's funny but draws away from the story
and setting you have going. Maybe stay with that present tense feel and
the neighborhood I'm seeing this "floral shop" in.
Walk to her place
Past the sausage vender
Knock on the door
She asks me what I came here for.
Now if you wanted to reuse the second verse with "you"
it would work as a pre chorus
Like the comet
Surfing the solar wind
My life's been quite a ride
It's better with you by my side
(chorus)
I might suggest if you reuse the second verse in this way you
change the first two lines each time:
"Like a freight train
Rolling down the rails"
I know that's terrible but I think you can get the idea.
I hope this helps
:note1: :note1: :note1:
John
Good suggestions guys I am already moving.
John don't worry the sausage verse was actually a joke and not intended as an actual verse. I guess it shows how I derailed.
Your typo, "suck" for "stuck", was funny. I find myself suck a lot. But it reminded me of may favorite The Far Side cartoon found here http://www.stirlingaudioservices.com/ray.htm .
Ernie
"All battles are first won or lost in the mind." - Joan of Arc
"It took me about 20 years to figure out how to write without inspiration. Thankfully, I got there." - Leon Russell
may favorite The Far Side cartoon found here http://www.stirlingaudioservices.com/ray.htm .
LOL :lol:
Hi Ernie
I like what you have so far as well. man the sausage word is pretty hard to get in there. Johns use of it would be ok, but if its a show stopper just don't use it. The songs more important than sticking to the letter of the assignment. Nice mp3 too.
cheers
Paul
