THE MATRIX OF MY MIND
The beautiful seed was sown in a bestial barren ground
Provided by a dismal world whos hearts and souls were bound
By lethal drops of hemlock that avenged all it could find
But it couldn't touch the seed in the matrix of my mind
Emulating love, through light touch and scented air
Craving even tears for moisture or just one soul who'd care
But it was stamped upon and trampled, this flower so divine
But they couldn't touch the roots in the matrix of my mind
The sun turned down its heat and leaves began to fade
And the despairing little flower, tried hard to evade
Mayhem and destruction from mankind in decline
So I fed it pure elixir from the matrix of my mind
Floating on a chilly breeze, we left the land below
That place, another country where we will no longer go
We landed in an Eden, where there is no hate and grime
Together now in harmony within the matrix of my mind
Our oasis in a corrupt world where no one cares or gives
The past another country where we no longer live
Surrounded by good seasons, and people that are kind
This seed is now a flower, within the matrix of my mind
go well
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Good job, i don't know what it is but there may be something to change. It just sounds like its missing something. I my be totally wrong, Good Job and good luck!
No matter what anyone says, these four men were the Innovators! of modern Rock & Roll!
Morse Code... Music on it's own
I enjoyed it but also felt it needs some work.
Not sure what to suggest since I am not sure
what exactly you are trying to convey.
Here is how I see the first verse, but again this
is probably complete misunderstanding on my
part:
The beautiful seed was sown in a bestial barren ground
(seed was sown in some bad ground or mind?)
Provided by a dismal world whos hearts and souls were bound
(ground or seed provided not clear)
By lethal drops of hemlock that avenged all it could find
(are we talking metaphor or real hemlock here?)
But it couldn’t touch the seed in the matrix of my mind
(can drops be an it?)
Confused but still dig it anyway. Your stuff always inspires.
I enjoyed it but also felt it needs some work.
Not sure what to suggest since I am not sure
what exactly you are trying to convey.
Here is how I see the first verse, but again this
is probably complete misunderstanding on my
part:
The beautiful seed was sown in a bestial barren ground
(seed was sown in some bad ground or mind?)
Provided by a dismal world whos hearts and souls were bound
(ground or seed provided not clear)
By lethal drops of hemlock that avenged all it could find
(are we talking metaphor or real hemlock here?)
But it couldn’t touch the seed in the matrix of my mind
(can drops be an it?)
Confused but still dig it anyway. Your stuff always inspires.
Hey Jamir!,
This is great! I think what it's missing is a chorus, but it doesn't really call for one. The central thought, that the character is sheltering and nurturing a portion of her mind that she reserves for storing thoughts and images of beauty, kindness, gentleness, etc... in a world that's increasingly cruel, harsh and cold, comes through in the repetition of the phrase "...in the matrix of my mind" in each verse. So a chorus would become redundant. I like it very much. The length is just perfect for my personal tastes. ;) And the meter, rhyme, structure are all beautiful. I hear it in a similar vein as "Shelter from the Storm." Very well done.
-- Scratch
-- Scratch 8)
"...if heartaches were commercials, we'd all be on TV" -- John Prine
42
Thanks for the comments peopple,
Ok it is very much on assignment - ie : metaphor !!!
If i have to explain it, i should really re write it .... but then again, i like it and Scratch understood the meaning,so there is hope for me yet . I don't usually write in metaphor style as it is never undrstood when sung out , but, I was just trying to keep to the assignment :oops:
If you are not used to reading my lyrics, i have a metaphysical belief system which unsually goes into my songs somewhere along the way. maybe this is the problem.
Anyway to explain if you are interested, think of the seed as my physical body and the other seed my thoughts.... which come together in the last two verses, maybe this helps !!!!!
Go well
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hi Jamir
Very different take on the assignment from most people but I do expect that from you.
I like it, think it's very well written. The repetition at the end of each verse (Matrix of my mind) negates the requirement for a chorus. To me it shows a development process - a growing up - if you will.
Good stuff
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
Jamir,
Wow. That is a beautiful piece of poetry there. As is, I hear it spoken with music behind it, but I am having a hard time hearing it sung...it seems a little bit wordy (this coming from me!).
Scratch that...reading it again a melody popped into my mind (but not my matrix). I'm trying to find something to improve, but having a hard time...ah...here...
"And we landed in an Eden, where there is no hate and grime"
Grime seems a bit forced. And landing in "an" Eden...why not just land in Eden itself?
"And we landed in our Eden, where none hate and none malign"
Just a suggestion...I know malign might be a bit of a stretch, but see what you can do with it.
Overall, lovely as usual. Looking forward to this week's assignment,
Doug
