I've posted a few things here and there in SSG, but from here on out I'm gonna do my best to be a weekly contributor as I'm really trying to better myself as a songwriter and a musician. I'm starting off by going in a different direction then I would normally go, and here is the result. My little punk-country love song.
Enjoy, and critique and comments welcomed and appreciated.
MIA -
i woke up, you headed for the door
you spoke up, don't wanna see me anymore
you're tired, of my rashes and these stains
and all those little things i never could explain
I'm calling, you aren't you picking up the phone
i'm bawling, don't wanna spend the night alone
please forgive me, bring this fighting to an end
let it be, so you caught me naked with your friend
You're MIA, that's ok
Didn't really like you, anyway
i've been phoning, a hundred messages atleast
can't control it, i will do this every week
i'll be patient, soon enough i'll be your man
the day we get together, i'll dump you cause i can
You're MIA, that's ok
Didn't really like you, anyway
You're MIA, that's ok
rather had your sister, anyway
===========================
"Songs aren't written, they're re-written."
Brilliant! :D
Margaret
When my mind is free, you know a melody can move me
And when I'm feelin' blue, the guitar's comin' through to soothe me ~
it's hard to post somethin every week - especially when you've got several other projects on the go. But....trying to write something every week and fit the chosen topic forces you to use your imagination - and A) that's never a bad thing, unless you're Hannibal Lecter, and B) it will help to fine-tune the creative side of your brain.....
"I'm calling, you aren't you picking up the phone" - one too many "you's" in that line, I'd drop the second one....
"i've been phoning, a hundred messages atleast " - I'd use "texting" instead of "phoning" there - otherwise you're repeating yourself....two different ways to communicate, yes?
And I'm one of those awkward old-fashioned people who still pays attention to punctuation and grammar and presentation - it makes a song a lot easier to read!!!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hey Majesta,
I like it, I like the short punchy beginnings of each line and the counter that follows.
I did however lose the meter on the last line of V1.
i woke up, you headed for the door
you spoke up, don't wanna see me anymore
you're tired, of my rashes and these stains
and all those little things i never could explain
maybe a something like this:
i woke up, you headed for the door
you spoke up, don't wanna see me anymore
you're tired, of my rashes and these stains
and all those, little things i did not explain
I like this, well done
Paul
I enjoyed this, too. Like Vic mentioned, there were some typos, which aren't a huge deal, but can influence that first impression. Those aside, I think this could be a really fun song to record.
On that first verse--it read okay to me because I just assumed it was a bit different than the other three lines, but if you want it to sound the same, maybe change to:
And all those, little things I can't explain
On the 2nd verse--again for flow, maybe change to:
Let it go now, so I was naked with your friend
I didn't catch that, but yeah, Vic's "texting" suggestion would work great. Somehow it creates even more imagery.
And again--just for flow purposes--the fourth verse:
I'll be patient, soon enough I'll be your man
And when you love me, I'll dump you 'cause I can
And last line typo--
Rather have your sister, anyway
Well done. Enjoyed it. Looking forward to hearing it.
Joe
