Year 5 Wk 38 Stray Cat Blues/ rewrite/rewrite

Hi John,

It's not generic when it's done well. And you've done it very well.
No changes from this eye.

Neil

It's generic, yes, it's a blues song, yes. No quibbles there.

You might look at the very first line though, John - "Let me leave you with some good advice" - it doen't work for me because you're not actually leaving, you've got a few verses of wisdom (or experience) to impart. It works much better in the last verse, where the reader actually does get a sense of closure because he's coming to the end of the song.

Maybe something simple like "Here's a little piece of advice, Before you head downtown...." would work better?

Rest of the song reads well to me - the only thing I had trouble with was making the connection between a black cat and a predatory woman. Tom cat or stray cat, yes.....but maybe that's just me.

There's only one other line I have a problem with - "And If I could do life over" - it just seems a little clumsy. If I had my life over - If I could do it all over - hell, there's a lot of ways you could rephrase that.

All in all, I'd say, good first draft - rhythm's good, just needs a little fine tuning. Look forward to hearing the polished version!

:D :D :D

Vic

Thanks Guys

I agree it's hard to write in genre without getting generic.
Especially the Blues.

I see what you're saying Vic. The lines you mentioned were the ones
I had the most problems with. I have to look at them again when my
head is a little clearer than it is right now.

In some ways the Black Cat is that old SSG assignment about
the Vampire. I think you should remember that one. It was
write about a Vampire without using the word Vampire.

I'm going to sign off now before I start rambling.

Good Night

John

OK so I looked at this again with a clear head.

I made changes where Vic suggested and a few other places.

I think all and all the rewrite strengthens the feline as opposed
to the female. It could be about an actual cat or anything that
draws you down the wrong path. Although I did retain the female
persona.

Stray Cat Blues

Just a piece of good advice
Before you head downtown
Take heed in what I'm sayin'
There's a stray cat on the prowl
She'll take you for your money
You'll have nothin' left to lose
And you'll be runnin' from those Stray Cat Blues

With hair as dark as midnight
And a heart that's just the same
She'll curse your ever after
And she'll ruin your good name
You'll be stranded at the border
With holes in both your shoes
When you're runnin' from those Stray Cat Blues

You don't have to believe me
But I swear every word is true
You know I was young and foolish
I was once a lot like you
And if I could do it over
I'd find a different road to choose
And not be runnin' from those Stray Cat Blues

Her green eyes so enticin'
They'll burn a hole right through your soul
And a purr that's so invitin'
A man could forget his wife at home
Once she struts across your path
It's nothing but bad news
When you're running from those Stray Cat Blues

So let me leave you with some good advice
Before you head downtown
Take heed in what I'm sayin'
There's a stray cat on the prowl
She'll take you for your money
You'll have nothin' left to lose
And you'll be runnin' from those Stray Cat Blues ...

Thanks for the input

John

hey john

definitely not me :lol:
i like the re-write.. apart from the "purr.."line.. there i thought the lips were... smoother.. maybe;-) just a thought.
well done:-)

cheers,
straycat.