Year 6 week 12 Rain drops

Trev mate,
I really like the 1st six lines of this song, this could go places.

Your chorus (?) I'm not so keen on, I dont really think the rainbow line works in its current form (just my opinion)

There isn't any sunshine
In this Broken mans life
I can't remember any rainbows
That might ignite new life
maybe

There isn't any sunshine
In this Broken mans life
And where are the rainbows
With the promise of new life
Your right it doesnt really fit the assignment but hey I wont tell anybody.
cheers
Paul

Thanks Paul

I used the " Rainbow " as sign of new life which to me a rainbow sort of does , but in saying that I never even looked at moonlight which gives a sense of romance and even loneliness which ever really applies to the situation I suppose ..

Thanks for reading or even listening { which I hope didn't damage any hearing }

Cheers

Trev.. :wink:

this is good. needs a little tweaking and that's all, as far as i'm concerned.

Thanks for the feed back Pearl

Cheers

Trev.. :wink:

I like it as well, but I think it needs to be a bit longer. I'd play around with it a bit!

Yeah, I agree that it needs to be longer - you have some interesting themes going on but they could benefit from being developed a bit more. Re moonlight - dunoo if its just my part of the world, but guessing others have experienced this too - in summer you can often see the moon a little during the day - you could introduce the moonlight theme here as a sort of "how long has it been here, I don't know" kinda vibe. Or you could develop it with darkness setting in, a darkness you feel has always been there.

Looking forward to hearing this developed further, good work. :D

Hey Trevor,

Welcome back. I too like this and as said before a little tweaking and this could
develop into something really good.

I think your vocals work well on this even if they are a little rough.
around the edges.

John

Thanks for the feed back every one

Rough around the edges John ? Yeah very rough my singing mate :D

I thought I had to contribute something and its been a long time since I tried writing on a theme like this ..

Appreciate everyones encouragement and words

Cheers

Trev.. :wink:

Hey Trev

Good to see (and hear) you again.

This is a good start. I like the musical change of pace in the "sunshine" part (and "sun" is an object in space, so I think you got the assignment covered) but, like Paul, I'm not sure about the "rainbow" part. Mostly because of the use of "ignite" - it seems a stretch.

I'd also not sure about for "foreground" if for no other reason that it makes the narrator sound more like he's looking at a picture or a landscape and not a part of it at all. But maybe that is the point, since he seems to be apart from life in general.

Looking forward to more, sir!

Peace

Thanks for replying and listening David

Who is this sir you speak of :lol: :lol: :lol:

Since Paul mentioned the "Rainbow " I have been thinking it is probably not quite right then you mentioned the "Rainbow " and ignite which really highlights the fact it should not be there ..

Thanks

Trev.. :wink:

Nice, Trevor! There's a couple of minor criticisms above which you've dealt with - for now I'll just say you seem to have struck a nice blend of imagery and pathos. Music fits the mood, too!

As a certain Mr McCartney once said, "it's getting better all the time!"

:D :D :D

Vic

Hi Trevor,

Not been around much lately. A belated happy new year to you. And now it's time to address the subject of your singing. YES, that's truly what it has become. Your voice is coming along quite nicely, a Dylanesque quality but a bit warmer . . . and your speaking voice is coming through for the first time in my experience. I've removed the filters and can listen to you sing without any damage. You can stop berating yourself. Later, my friend.

Neil