YEAR THREE WEEK 11 FIRST POST HERE!!

These lyrics are angrier and more aggressive than anything I usually like, but I find them very powerful and therefore enjoyable.

My one concern is the cursing in the first line of every verse and the chorus. I have nothing against cursing in songwriting, but I feel it should be used only to provide very strong emphasis to an idea. For example in the very first line of the song it's very effective as it grabs the listeners attention, but it almost seems formulaic when used in the first line of every verse and the chorus.

It seems like you're attempting to use the swearing to grab attention, but I personally feel it would be more effective if handled slightly differently. Other's may disagree though, and it also depends on the music and the length of space between your verses and choruses.

These are some very powerful lyrics, and that feeling of raw experience really somes through, which it sounds like was one of your major goals.

I hope I made sense :)

Well done,
Dillon

hey guitargeek

first of let me say I'm no prude and I do swear myself but the second word in your chorus , " is it really needed ? I sure there are better words you could use in the english language that might be just as powerful and not offend .

I have had a go of what might sound right for your chorus and came up with "So open your bitter minds "instead of So fu<k your bitter minds

I don't mean to sound like your mum but is that word really needed ?

and "I'm a fu<king waste of space "

I thought " I'm a useless waste of space"

well apart from that one word I thought it was a good effort

take me as you find me but I call a spade a spade

cheers

:roll:

thanks for the comments, i didnt actually realise there was that much swearing in it to be honest so it definitely wasnt made to sound like that, its just how it came out really! thank you anyway!

Personally I don't think you've gone over the top with the swearing, but I wish you'd put a "Parental Advisory" note with it....(which would guarantee about 100% more views by the way!)

I like this, it's nasty, bitter and twisted.....I can relate to it because it sounds like the story of my teenage years!!!!

Lotto king made a good couple of points re swearing.....but the only thing I'd change is the first line of the chorus..."So screw your bitter minds" might work a little better....but hey, it's your song, and it's pretty good as it stands....

Hope to see more from you in here, but don't forget the parental advisory next time!!!

:) :) :)

Vic

yeah sure :) thanks for the advice!

Hey!

Seems like the swear words are the main topic of conversation in this post!

Well, I have no problem with them but swearing in general is best used to stress a point. As such it's usually a case of less is more.

Unlike everyone else, I would suggest removing the swearing from the verses and leaving it in the chorus. For that matter, try both ways and see what you think.

Anyway, good song. I pretty much second what the others have said. I particularly like 'This loser kid is coming back to draw the line'.

I hope you pop your head in here more often in future!
G

... swearing in general is best used to stress a point. I've heard that before. But I disagree. swearing in general is indicative of a poor vocabulary. People use curse words when they can't find another word that conveys the anger / hatred / wrath that they're trying to express. Anything you express by swearing, can be expressed just as powerfully, or more powerfully, without swearing.
Since songwriting is all about finding the right words, and the right relationships between words, to express various emotions or observations, or to tell a story, it seems it would be worthwhile to spend the extra effort to figure out how to say what it is you're trying to say, without the swear words. Otherwise, you come across as ignorant, even if you're brilliant.

not necessarily! its just happened to be the way i was feeling at the time and those words came out!i would agree with you if i continued in every single song i wrote to abuse swear words but i don't.

scratchmonkey said

"Since songwriting is all about finding the right words, and the right relationships between words,"

and I agree totally , it wasn't that long ago I was told by Vic that a word I had in one of my songs " Numbers on the Wall " wasn't P C and it might be offensive but to me the word was ok as it is used in media Television shows , so I changed it to something else when I realised that we all live in different countries and words have different meanings and can be taken out of context .

But the word in question has the same meaning world wide and is just plain vulgar , it's like that song " She Fu(ken Hates me " surely they could have come up with a better word , nothing worse than hearing your 12 year old son singing it .

Oh well better book myself into the old peoples home now as I am really sounding like my mum and dad

cheers
L.K
:roll:

hmmm i duno maybe its a matter of opinion, but ya know what its an interesting topic. I actually like that song 'she fu<ckin hates me', i think its a song written out of pure emotion and thats something you shouldnt let pass you by whether its angry emotion, sadness, happniess etc. If there werent songs like that in the world then how would we differenciate between emotions when writing? personally i find stuff like that tends to help me cope when i am feeling a certain way! dont you ever sometimes just feel like sayin...fu<k..sometimes its just the perfect way to describe how you feel.

thats my view after all of this!

... i think its a song written out of pure emotion and thats something you shouldnt let pass you by...
Sure it is. There's nothing special about pureness. Pure crap is still crap.
If there werent songs like that in the world then how would we differenciate between emotions when writing?
With actual words that have constrained definitions, and do a much better job of conveying the emotion you're trying to express. Apart from offending some people, the words we're discussing here are too general, and used in too many different situations / contexts to be worth very much. I've heard / seen the "F" word used in every imaginable part of speech. (noun, verb, adverb, adjective, participle, you name it ) It's like a swiss army knife of language. Tries to be everything, and does none of it well.
dont you ever sometimes just feel like sayin...fu<k
Nope.

Even though you'll disagree, I still say it makes you sound ignorant. You should aim higher.

yes I sure do feel like saying it and probably do , but if and when I say it there will be no children around to hear it and definetly no women .

time and place for everything , songs don't need it children don't need it and women hate it .

but then again I'm old fashioned that way ,

lets move on now , your song has a lot to offer and truely does not need the F word .

I do not mean to sound like a cranky old man and I'm SORRY if that is how you have percieved my feelings about swearing in a public arenea such as a song writting forum

cheers

L.K

ok thanks comments taken in, and for scratch monkey....theres no need to call me ignorant, have you taken a look at some of my other songs? im only 18 and starting out, you dont have to be so rude about my work.i certainly wouldnt be about yours.

there is no compromise for pure emotion in a song, and I congratulate you in capturing that.

Guitargeek, don't take any comments too personal, for the better part they only mean to make you have a think about how others see your work, and to help you become a better writer through gaining that insight. So by making suggestions on the use of or removal of swearwords, we're only trying to help you out :wink:

It is true that swear words are cliche, and it is true that they can be offensive, but ultimately you know what felt true to you at the time and the final decision is yours.

The impact of a swearword can be awfuly effective, but if overused can become predictable and lose their impact. My advice to you, if you really want to keep them, is to either use it in the chorus, OR use it at the beginning of each verse. I suggest not to use it in both because the impact is lost.

Scratch has a point about it looking like you couldn't find another word, but that is again, a perspective. The point it is what you have conveyed is pure emotion, and whether you decide to reconstruct pure emotion is once again, up to you.

Jacqui :)