Hello everyone, this is my first song basicly ever written. I have done some poetry before but other then that nothing lyrical. My song is about gambling, and i was having a hard time finding anything to write about i just decided i would have to just finish this and see what happens, plus i dont think this was the most forgiving week to join. I found the collaboration idea rather hard. So with that said, please give me all the constructive criticism you can muster for me, all is welcome. :( (edit: This would most likely be a rock/ harder rock song)
Roll the Dice
Step on in simple men,
And lay your money down.
Welcome to our little den,
Roll some dice around.
Now dont go losing focus,
Just a little hokus-pokus.
We brought you in when you were wandering,
We dont much care whatcha was pondering.
Seperately please roll them now,
We will tell you what you've won.
Dont mind my friend with the robotic twitch,
Hes lost more then hes won.
Oh dear me and my.
We are sorry but youve lost it.
The velvet landscape has no good.
Good day sir with empty pockets!
Hello and Welcome,
Nice Job on the assignment you managed to use all the words without them sounding forced. The second verse seems a little odd to me like the meter is messed up or something.
Now dont go losing focus,
Just a little hokus-pokus.
We brought you in when you were wandering,
We dont much care whatcha was pondering
If I may I might suggest rearranging it a bit.
Something like:
We dont much care whatcha was pondering
Now dont go losing focus
We brought you in when you were wandering,
It was just a little hokus-pokus.
I'm not sure that works either but it should give you a idea of what I mean.
Hope we'll be seeing more from you
Celt
We dont much care whatcha was pondering
Now dont go losing focus
We brought you in when you were wandering,
It was just a little hokus-pokus.
I really like that much better, thanks for the comments :wink:
Hey, cool take on the assignment... those words would never have trigger thoughts of gambling for me.
I imagined the singer sort of doing a carnival barker thing with his voice (ala "Step right up!"). I can picture the song continuing with descriptions of the other "lost souls" besides just the guy with robotic twitch. You could make quite a commentary on the dangers of gambling with these little side stories.
It'd be tough, but I think you've got a good start.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Hey GuerillaCharlie,
this is pretty good for first ever song, well done :D .
In this line
The velvet landscape has no good. did you mean "The velvet landscape was no good" ?
I like the last line
Good day sir with empty pockets! I think that sums it up pretty well.
hey& welcome GuerillaCharlie:)
have to agree, for a first song it's really good(should have seen mine....). even if it wasn't your first.
I can see that it'll fit the music/style you got in your mind for this. it's a fun rock song, I think. especially the last verse was amusing.... the first line alone..."oh dear me and my";)
conjures up many scenes in my head, not only in a casino or sth. like this.
good job.
keep posting:)
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
That "whatcha" bugs me. How about just...
We don't much care what you were pondering
Now don't go losing focus
We brought you in when you were wandering
A little hocus-pocus.
I like this...
Step on in simple men,
And lay your money down.
Welcome to our little den,
Roll some dice around.
I'd maybe change we will to we'll, but otherwise I like this too.
Seperately please roll them now,
We will tell you what you've won.
Dont mind my friend with the robotic twitch,
Hes lost more then hes won.
I don't understand the last verse and it doesn't seem to fit the rest of the song. The song sort of reminds me of a Who song or something. Like it'd be perfect in a Rock musical. But this last part sort of reminds me of a children's nursery rhyme and I don't understand it either.
Oh dear me and my.
We are sorry but youve lost it.
The velvet landscape has no good.
Good day sir with empty pockets!]
How about....
Sorry fool
It seems you've lost it
Enjoy the landscape
With your empty pockets (or something like that)
Good job for your first song. I'd like to see more.
