Yr 7 Wk 43 - Multicoloured

This is really good, Jay
Ready to go . . . right out of the box.
You could use a tune similar to Stikman's for this.

Just another possible wording for this verse:

Your feet tip-toe around me
In this dance of our life
You're spinning away from me
And it's the cause of my strife

Your feet tip-toe around me
This dance of ours is a lie
You're spinning away from me
And I believe I know why

Ooh, nice spotting, pretty good idea, I have a few word changes here and there actually... I made a quick run through with the chords I chose, the chorus changes each time (in melody) mainly cause I wasn't sure what to do with it, I think the last one worked best though :)

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/default.cfm?bandID=941315

In the last chorus I also changed "You're never what you seem" to "You're never who you seem" which feels more intimate somehow

Jay,

Good start :D It looks like your effort to keep a story line or outline going is paying off. :wink:

Suggestions:

Lyrically- This could be an easy fix or difficult, but my main concern is the image or hook of the song doesn't make sense. Basically, you are saying the person is a liar and is unfaithful to the singer...but I've never heard the term "Multicoloured" to mean a liar or unfaithful....the closest I can think of is calling someone "two-faced"....so I'm not seeing Multicoloured work figuratively....and literally, the person most likely is not Multicoloured as well unless they have a significant birth mark or was a burn victim.....but in either case birth marks and burns don't have a connotation to liars or unfaithful either.

....Again the majority of the lyrics could and should stay as is. However, I do like KG2's touch up on that verse :wink: ....but consider reworking the main hook or image to be plausible.

Musically-Try to get the musical phrases and lyrical phrases to sync up. There is quite a pause at the end of each line which, for me, feels like it's dragging/slowing the song down.

Thanks for the mp3. It really helps understand the overall song.

James

Thanks James :)

Hmm, I was aiming for it to mean the tattoo makes her skin multicoloured and hence what she does isn't always 'black and white' or obvious. I guess it''s maybe a bit much.

I guess I could rethink something to replace the first line then but I kinda like the concept :P

I'm really bad at changing the music once I've set it, not sure how to sync it up better, I guess I just need time away from it to come back and do it differently.

Jay,

Yes, I see that connection with the tattoo now, but I still think it could be clarified....when I think multicoloured I think more along the lines of chameleons ...remember these are only suggestions. It's your choice to see what works for you....and I think a lot of the song is working. :wink:

http://www.viewzone.com/israel.html
Chameleons are widely regarded with unreasoning fear, especially in West Africa, where various beliefs associate the reptile with the Sun. In Dahomey, the chameleons are said to fetch fire from the Sun. In early Christianity, the chameleon was used to symbolize Satan who, like the chameleon, could change his appearance to deceive mankind. Other deep-rooted belief that persist are that chameleons are "nourished by the air," and hence do not eat. They do have huge lung sacks that, when fully expanded, become almost transparent. Nevertheless, chameleons do eat food.

The eyes of the chameleon are unique. The lids are fused over each eye ball, leaving only a small aperture, and each eye can see and move independently. Seen close-up, this random movement can be quite un-nerving. A belief arose as far back as the time of Pliny (1st Century AD) that a chameleon talisman restored sight to the blind.

Best known for its ability to change its skin color to blend with its background, the chameleon has been referred in Sufi (Pantheistic Muslim mysticism) parables relating to an inconsistent person. "So as the chameleon changes his skin, an unwise one changes the color of his being..." The thought is still believed among modern men.

James

Jay this is good. Not sure why you'd say it is shallow. I don't agree.

I like the chords you used and vocal melody.

This is great Jay, well done I liked the mp3.
I also get the multicoloured reference, for me it's kind of an allusion to a chameleon. If this was mine I would be tempted to change the last line of the chorus to this:
Your skin is multicoloured
You're never what you seem
You say you love someone
But I'm not the one you mean
Pretty minor but that's what I kept wanting to sing each time.
Cheers
Paul

Thanks :)

Maybe the idea is good it just needs some clarification, perhaps:

Multicoloured skin
A tattoo parlor's sin
You've got your
Heart set on another
And not me

Also, I agree with that change pbee if I keep the old chorus... did a few little word changes to the first post

Hi Jay

I like this also and I like the multicolour connotations. The problem I have is that the tattoo she has seems to be words/symbols rather than a picture. These are usually done in one colour, not multi colours.

To add some colour, maybe say:

I remember when you got it
Oh you were so proud
Three letters and a image
The message rung out loud

Or something like that...?

Rock on!
D 8)