Heres another song I,m working on. Let me know what you think.
©2004 Writer Ken Lillie
Title Swing and a miss
v1
She sits up on that bar stool.
Like a pitcher on the mound.
Men line up like batters.
Try hard to keep one off the ground.
v2
She hopes for a no hitter.
It always ends up like this.
The next guy steps up to the plate.
Another swing and a miss.
Chorus
She starts with a curve ball.
Don't know how that one got by.
Next comes the fast ball.
It'll burn you every time.
Last comes the sinker.
You can't avoid the risk.
Walk back to your barstool.
Another swing and a miss.
v3
She met a man a while ago
When she enjoyed the game
He must have hurt her real bad.
Cause she's never been the same.
v4
Men still give they're best shot.
Hoping to steal one kiss.
All the bases remain empty.
Another swing and a miss.
Chorus
She starts with a curve ball.
Don't know how that one got by.
Next comes the fast ball.
It'll burn you every time.
Last comes the sinker.
You can't avoid the risk.
Walk back to your barstool.
Another swing and a miss.
Outtro
Like a scheduled ball game.
You can find her each weekend.
Drinking shots and long necks.
Waiting for the game to end.
lyrics belong in songs, poems bolong in bookstores
I enjoyed reading that. It has a very blues/rock grove to it, i dont know if that is the genre your aiming for with this but its the impression i got.
Also it flows very well and so is easy to read.
Good stuff
" Ah man, that went down like a lead balloon."
I enjoyed the comparison of the dating scene to a baseball game. That was kinda fun.
It's got a good meter and definately gave me a country feel. (Not sure what style you were thinking)
The only thing i didn't like was the outro....
Just an idea that came to me was maybe at the end of the song, your outro could be something like a play-by-play guy calling the batter out on strikes....
something like....
(There could be like baseball crowd noise in the background and then the announcer says)
Signals for the fastball,
there's the wind up and the pitch....
swing and a miss, strike 3 and the ball game's over...
I think that would be kinda cool....although I may be the only one :?:
I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was - White Goodman (Dodgeball)
gmilam, meatloaf did something like that at the start of a song... possibly "Let Me Sleep on It"..i know that is a lyric from the song, but im not sure if that is the title... Its off 'bat out of hell' anyway...
nitetrapper, another well written song, good meter, rhyme etc. kinda feels to me like the metaphor gets a bit over-extended thou... i would try and break it up a bit by just taking the baseball metaphor out of a couple of the verses...
cheers
soz
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
