Gone week 44

Hi Hilch,

I think it's kind of funny that, while it wasn't the assignment, we both grabbed the line "in a blink of an eye". Thanks Bob!

Anyway, I still need to read this some more BUT, I just can't let you get away with "this girl can't be teached" Maybe not, but can she be taught?

Another line bothers me, and it's probably because of my own morality . . . . "she's gone to live in sin" It just doesn't seem to fit in today's standards for mainstream sin. I dunno . . . .. maybe something else that's not so finger pointing . . . . like;

She is gone to be with him
and not coming back again

Seem like you got a lot of good stuff going on here, otherwise. Any music in mind?

Neil

Hi Hilch,

I think it's kind of funny that, while it wasn't the assignment, we both grabbed the line "in a blink of an eye". Thanks Bob!

Anyway, I still need to read this some more BUT, I just can't let you get away with "this girl can't be teached" Maybe not, but can she be taught?

Another line bothers me, and it's probably because of my own morality . . . . "she's gone to live in sin" It just doesn't seem to fit in today's standards for mainstream sin. I dunno . . . .. maybe something else that's not so finger pointing . . . . like;

She is gone to be with him
and not coming back again

Seem like you got a lot of good stuff going on here, otherwise. Any music in mind?

Neil

Hi Hilch,

I think it's kind of funny that, while it wasn't the assignment, we both grabbed the line "in a blink of an eye". Thanks Bob!

Anyway, I still need to read this some more BUT, I just can't let you get away with "this girl can't be teached" Maybe not, but can she be taught?

Another line bothers me, and it's probably because of my own morality . . . . "she's gone to live in sin" It just doesn't seem to fit in today's standards for mainstream sin. I dunno . . . .. maybe something else that's not so finger pointing . . . . like;

She is gone to be with him
and not coming back again

Seem like you got a lot of good stuff going on here, otherwise. Any music in mind?

Neil

Hi Hilch,

I think it's kind of funny that, while it wasn't the assignment, we both grabbed the line "in a blink of an eye". Thanks Bob!

Anyway, I still need to read this some more BUT, I just can't let you get away with "this girl can't be teached" Maybe not, but can she be taught?

Another line bothers me, and it's probably because of my own morality . . . . "she's gone to live in sin" It just doesn't seem to fit in today's standards for mainstream sin. I dunno . . . .. maybe something else that's not so finger pointing . . . . like;

She is gone to be with him
and not coming back again

Seem like you got a lot of good stuff going on here, otherwise. Any music in mind?

Neil

Thanks for feed back 4 times :lol: :lol:

And it got posted twice ( mm)

Here in my motel room capo on the 3rd fret plucking bass notes and lighty strumming the chord such as

(She was gone) in a blink of an eye
////G////............Em////
She was gone without saying good-bye
////G////............Em////
She is gone to be with him
////G////............Em////
She is gone to live in sin

between each verse Am and D

Next verse C and G

Finishing up finally with a little note playing on the D chord

hope that makes sense

you said :

Anyway, I still need to read this some more BUT, I just can't let you get away with "this girl can't be teached" Maybe not, but can she be taught?

My reply :
She may be able to be taught , but she can't be teached :lol: only there for the flow ..Oh well

Thanks for the feed back

Gidday Hilch,

Overall I think. this is a good effort There are some things about this song that I like and some things that I'm not sure about. The repetitions among the verses and the chorus I just wonder if that works, without hearing it I cant tell. I think that I would be inclined to only use the repetitions in either the chorus's or the verses but not both.
As far as teached is concerned you could use something like this:

You always told me to be careful
You always said she was way too playful
You always said to keep the leash short
You always said this girl can't be taught

Trevor, I think overall this song has good bones, what I would like is a little more depth in terms of why you are telling us what's happened. In other words we know she's left and your mate “told you so” but how is this going to change your life or how does it make you feel or what conclusion should we draw.

Good work

Cheers

Paul

Hilch,

I must agree with Neil on the lines he mentioned.

Something less judgemental instead of live in sin would
work better.

As far as "teached" goes I think you are too good a songwriter
to rely on this kind of forced ryhme.

The use of She,I,You,She,You at the start of every line bothers
me a little but that is something that has to be heard before
it can be told for sure.

I think you have the start of a really good song here
but right now is appears to be "A Diamond in the rough"

On the brighter side those are some of my favorite chord
changes to play with a capo.

John

Thank you

Neil , Paul and John for your feed back appreciated as usual .

Where to start mmm ok from the top :

Neil: I hope I did not come across too defensive with my reply to that teached line , I actually wrote that whole verse around that word . At work a co-worker said something along of the lines GeeWizzz ( cleaned up) so and so ( name of other co-worker ) is so thick he will never grasp this system some people just can't be teached ..( I had a giggle at it the time but every time I thoought about writting it kept popping up so I decided bugger it I'll just use it )..The sin thing is still used often in Australia unmarried couples by many people are still refered to as living in sin . Never even thought about a more universal or a moral point of view , just a saying in OZ .

Paul : Once again offering fantastic alternatives , I didn't have a real lot of time to flesh it out and I suppose that really does show up now but honestly I like it when attempt to play my guitar and try to singing in some sort of tone .

John :Wow I read this and thought you must be thinking of someone else mate "As far as "teached" goes I think you are too good a songwriter to rely on this kind of forced ryhme. "
Are you sure you got the right person John ? I don't concider myself as a song writter at all , just a old hack haveing ago but am flattered by the statement though might have to lift my game if that is how I am looked at ... :lol:
The use of She I and you was stolen directly from a song in here I can't remember who wrote it I commented on it and everyone else disagreed with me on it I started to think if I did that someone would have concerns about it . So as far as that goes just asking a question now is it writters practice or not , if not then it shouldn t be done at all .

Don't get me wrong people I have learnt alot from comeing here and do enjoy the process of writting , ( putting words to music well thats another thing )
All comments will be taken on board and you are all right this does need more fleshing out but every song I write that can be said as well .
I posted some songs in the other forum for writters and John was the only one to give feed back on them ( thank John ) I am now struggling with writting for a theme I seem to write more fluently when I just write what comes into my head .

Honestly thank you
for your time and efforts to post feed back

Hilch

Hi Hilch,

I never take offense . . . not to worry. Now that you explain "teached" I both understand it's use and kinda like the idea. The only problem as it is used now, it's an inside joke and not apparent to the listener. If you could figure out a way in the context of the song of letting us in on the joke, it could easily be what makes the song.

Anyway, I always enjoy reading your work even if you're not serious about it.

Neil

My impression of this song, with the repetition and the use of the vernacular "teached" is that it sounds like some of the old blues classics.

I wouldn't be too quick to "purify" and throw those out. Rather, I think they set the tone of the song.

Margaret

Nice song hilch!

Peronally I understood the "living in sin" thing, albeit in a part-jokey sort of way, and I think it adds a nice touch, after all, the person in the song is obviously angered by what has happened to him, and so would think of the other person in a negative way anyway! (Did that make sense?!?!)

I like the music you posted as well, I always think that a guitar sounds great capo'd at 3 or 4 :)

Keep up the writing mate!

Pete

Thanks for your feed back Margret and Pete

Appreciated as always

Thank you

Hilch