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I Remember When SSG 16 - with MP3

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chefie
(@chefie)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Here goes, with a first take MP3 as well. As always, comments and thoughts welcome. Thanks all!

I REMEMBER WHEN

I Remember When I Was a Little Boy and Make Pretend Was the Only Thing on My Mind
But That Was Then When I Was Oh So Young and How I Wish I Could Make Pretend Again
I Played with Toys and All My Friends and Knew One Day it Had to End, but Not When
And I Didn't Know One and One Made Two or If and When I Would Fall in Love with You

You Were the Beginning and You Were the End When My Childhood Ended and My Life Began Again
But I'm Missing So Many Things in the Past and I Need to Go Back If We're to Make this Last
The Games I Played Then Were Innocent but the Games I Play with You Just Aren't Any Fun
I Need to Leave You but I Don't Know How or If I Can Find Now What I Left Behind

So I must Return to Whom I Was Go Back and Find out What Is Was That I Loved
And Then I'll Return and Search for You Having Learned That One and One Indeed Make Two
Oh You Were the Beginning and You Were the End When My Childhood Ended and My Life Began Again
But I must Find a Way to Bridge the Two If Ever I'm to Be with You to the End

Growing up as Little Boys Do. . . . They Turn Their Back and Leave Their Childhood Behind
They Don't Remember What Was Real or Not, Grow Old and Don't Recall What They've Got
There Are Different Seasons to Every Life Filled with Innocence, Love, Longing, & Strife
You Deal with Them the Best You Can but Never Forget It's the Boy That Makes the Man

I Remember When I Was a Little Boy and Make Pretend Was the Only Thing on My Mind
But That Was Then When I Was Oh So Young and How I Wish I Could Make Pretend Again

http://www.soundclick.com/neilstuart


   
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Saber
(@saber)
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Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 350
 

Heh, I like this. It's very peaceful.

As far as criticism goes, it could probably be smoothed out a little bit. When I listened to it there were a few areas where the dialog seemed really strained, and broke the motion of the song.

Particularly right here "but the Games I Play with You Just Aren't Any Fun."

Also I'd recommend putting that part you did at the end somewhere between the verses, as sort of a solo, to break it up a little bit.

I think the capitalizing ever word that's not a conjunction thing is really unnecessary. It doesn't add anything and it makes the song a bit difficult to read.

Keep it up. :)

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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BarnaBus RoX
(@barnabus-rox)
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hey this is fantasic

well done I do agree that ending could be repeated between the verses some where I'm thinking between verses 2 and 3 .

Just a suggestion , I thought this was a marvelous effort well done

hilch :!:

Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am


   
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nolongerme
(@nolongerme)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 475
 

Nice work, i bet you waited for the topic and got to work right away!


   
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chefie
(@chefie)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Thanks Saber, Hitch, and James for your feedback. I'm working on a break between verses as two of you suggested. Hope to have it posted soon.

James; believe it or not, this song wasn't written in advance. I was told many years ago by someone I respected that if you want to be a writer, you should write. And you should write every day, good stuff or bad, without fail and without excuses. That is the true essence of a writer. Being published may be the goal of a writer, but it isn't what makes you one. I await a new topic each Sunday, both as an exercise and a challange. If I had written a song that by chance fit the subject, I would post it as such. Last week I wrote two songs in addition to the topic. I have no need to be the first post or even the best. My need is for some outside thoughts to critique the work that I attempt to better myself. And I admit, initially I take all critiques poorly. What to they know? And then later I read them again and take them for face value and see if by applying others ideas if I can better my own work.

Hey, I'm a newbie. I can just barely play the guitar and I can't sing. I've, in someways, always wanted the be a writer. But only because of something totally unrelated, I was drawn to write a song. That's why I took up guitar. And I'm finding that the brevity of a song is write up my alley (pun intended).

Anyway, thanks again for the comments!


   
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chefie
(@chefie)
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Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Hi,

Here's my first edit adding a bridge ( shown in bold ). MP3 has been updated as well. Thanks all!.

I REMEMBER WHEN

I remember when I was a little boy and make pretend was the only thing on my mind
but that was then when I was oh so young and how I wish I could make pretend again
I played with toys and all my friends and knew one day it had to end, but not when
and I didn't know one and one made two or if and when I would fall in love with you

You were the beginning and you were the end when my childhood ended and my life began again
but I'm missing so many things in the past and I need to go back if we're to make this last
The games I played then were innocent but the games I play with you are just no fun
I need to leave you but I don't know how or if I can find now what I left behind

Little boys have all the fun, and what little boys do can be undone
but men have to face reality and men have to deal with their mortality

So I must return to whom I was go back and find out what it was that I loved
and then I'll return and search for you having learned that one and one indeed make two
oh you were the beginning and you were the end when my childhood ended and my life began again
but I must find a way to bridge the two if ever I'm to be with you to the end

Growing up as little boys do. . . . they turn their back and leave their childhood behind
they don't remember what was real or not, grow old and don't recall what they've forgot
there are different seasons to every life filled with innocence, love, longing, & strife
you deal with them the best you can but never forget it's the boy that makes the man

I remember when I was a little boy and make pretend was the only thing on my mind
but that was then when I was oh so young and how I wish I could make pretend again

http://www.soundclick.com/neilstuart


   
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Saber
(@saber)
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Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 350
 

This is good. You smoothed out the lyrics a bit, but I still think that if you put that part you played at the end of your song in the last version, and stuck it in, without any words, in front of the "growing up as little boys do" verse it would add a lot to the song. And if you have a harmonica and know it to play it, it would work perfectly there as well.

Keep it up :D

"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell


   
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Celt
 Celt
(@celt)
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Posts: 2649
 

Very Nice!

I must agree with Saber an instrumental break
would add to the song nicely

Keep Writing.

John

My SoundClick Page

Collaborations

" It's easier than waiting around to die" Townes Van Zandt


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
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Hey chefie,
this is a great piece of writing, well done. I have to admit that its a style that Im not used to but i think you've made this work well. I get a nice sense of rhythm just reading it. The only danger in a style like this to my mind is "lyric overload" , which is why I think the sugesstion of a musical break is good one.

keep it up.

Oh, and:
My need is for some outside thoughts to critique the work that I attempt to better myself
that's a great attitude to have :D, we're all here to learn and experiment with different techniques and styles and without feedback we would never get anywhere.

cheers
Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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jase
 jase
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Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 2
 

Nice adaption of Streets of London. I really like the arrangement.

jase


   
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chefie
(@chefie)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Hi jase,

The song's honest. I looked up Streets of London and you have a good ear. There is some melodic similarity on one line. But that is true of a lot of music. There are a lot of classical melodies that appear in comtemporary music. It is one thing to recognize it, it is another to make assumptions. Thanks, anyway. :lol:


   
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jase
 jase
(@jase)
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Posts: 2
 

Chefie

wasn't suggesting for minute you were shamelessly poaching a classic tune. you very rarely hear a tune these days you couldn't find similarities with another in some way. if its just a coincidence that's great but personally i don't think there is anything wrong with using ideas from the past. Madonna did it with ABBA just recently as you probably have heard and Kanya West with a Ray Charles classic. i have used myself an idea from Drunken Sailor in an amateurish song of my own. either way, like i said, nice arrangement.

jase


   
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chefie
(@chefie)
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Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 553
Topic starter  

Hey jase,

Not to worry. And sorry if I made any incorrect assumptions.


   
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sytys
(@sytys)
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Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 84
 

finally got around to listen to this and i really like it, very nice flow, great back up vocals, well done.

marty s

sytys


   
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Shift
(@shift)
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Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 94
 

I really love the melody of the lyrics. I always stuggle with that.


   
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