Is Anybody There? SSG 36 - with MP3

Bravo, I think it is a well written song. I love the chorus, I don't know I just think it's pretty awesome I guess, I don't know what it is about it, it's just one of those unexplainable likeing of something. I'm not sure about the first verse though, I think it takes away from the greatness of the overall song, As I started reading it, I was like um, I think I need to hear this cause I didn't catch the feel of the first verse and after listening I didn't find it much better, as the song progressed it got better and better. I think the one line out of any if you wouldn't change the whole verse is: "I'm tired, and hungry, and look like a ghost" to me that was screaming, I need a rhyme with most. I know it's talking about life taking it's toll on you and what-not I just don't feel it fits. I would go : "I'm tired, and hungry, and feel so lost." I think that leads into not seeing the answers in front of your eyes and when I heard it I thought well that would fit nicely and sound a little bit better, so I'd take that into consideration, but heck, what do I know? Other than that, I found no other problems with it and say, job well done.

I like this, it seems very honest.

One thing though:

"but after all these years I have my doubts
that the man didn't know what he was talking about"

This is a double negative. "Ever knew", instead of "didn't know" might help.

Thanks Reject and Saber for your comments.

Reject . . . . . . . Interesting reaction regarding the first verse. I'll have to give it some thought and see what might make a better statement.

Saber . . . . . . . You almost had me and I got a good chuckle out of it. However, if you were serious about the double negative, take another look. I'm the last person to correct grammar, but a double negative it isn't. Perhaps you were thinking "didn't no" as opposed to "didn't know."

Anyway, thanks.

Hi Chefie,
I think this is a very valid song, I like what your saying. My only comment is that I think (on the read I havent heard it yet) its a little wordy, but that may come down to style, sometimes less is more. I really like your bridge especially the rhyme (less of it) scheme.

Good work

Paul

"I have my doubts that the man didn't know."

Doubts is a negative, and Didn't is a negative. Right now your saying that you think he knew what he was talking about, but the context implies that you have Doubts he knew what he was talking about.

I told you I was the last person to correct grammar!

Thanks Saber

Hey

I like it nice relaxing song to listen to

Well done mate

Hilch

chefie,

Good lyrics! Will take a listen to the soundclick when I can later.
pbee wrote: My only comment is that I think (on the read I havent heard it yet) its a little wordy, but that may come down to style, sometimes less is more

I tend to agree with this and see some places you might pare down, such as:

"and I'm walking down the road and what can I say" might become

"I'm walking down the road, what can I say?"

There are several instances of "and" and "that" throughout the piece that could be eliminated, inserting commas, breaths, pauses, etc.

Also the case with some of the "I" and "I'm", for example:

"I couldn't see answers if they were right before my eyes and I'm losing all hope and I just want to die" might become "Couldn't see answers if they were right before my eyes, Losing all hope, I just want to die"

Of course, you may need to alter or not to fit the music. Just my two cents' worth.

Nice job!

Margaret

Hi Chefie
I must admit when I read the first verse I almost stopped reading. I'm so glad I didn't though because the rest of the song is one of the best written sets of lyrics I've seen on this forum. It's a really good song. Verse 2 especially is a great piece of writing.
So please please maybe think about a rewrite for verse 1. I think there's been too many other songs that have said the same thing in the same kind of way. If I were you I would try and find some different imagery to the 'walking down the road' one. Having said that I think the last 2 lines in verse 1 are ok.
Great song
Beren

Thanks, everyone, for your comments and suggestions. They're a huge help!