It's been a couple of months since I have posted anything but I figured I need to get back into writing again. I don't really know what type of music would fit this one yet. Any ideas? Guess I need a title also. Normally I just have to sit down with my guitar and try to come up with something.
Your comments are always welcome.
Blessings.
Olav
V1
Behind a mask I play my act
In the cast of your dreams
And every line, I memorized
Is altered in your scheme
I buried my dreams, I silenced my cries,
for a part in your lies
I keep looking up, but the laughter wouldn't stop,
And the light burns my eyes
V2
As the true me, in my endless act,
is playing my part your show
I sometimes see, who I thought you would be,
is not whom I came to know
As the applaud rise, I see you smile
While in your shadow I am crying
Hoping they wouldn't see, the real me,
as my role is slowly dying
Chorus
The act I play, will it fade and die?
Will you see past the act I play?
I wonder if, I played it true
Would you one day ask me to stay?
V3
I am the one, who's come and gone,
on the stage of the dreams you are airing
My place on the stage, depends all on,
the mask I am unwillingly wearing
Maybe one day you'll ask me to play
a totally different role
Until then I go on, playing my part
As your life's dreams unfold
Repeat Chorus
Olav
Good song!
I see one problem though. It seems to me you rely on the
words play part and act a little too much.
The chorus stand out the most as you use some
form of play three times.
The act I play, will it fade and die?
Will you see past the act I play?
I wonder if, I played it true
Would you one day ask me to stay?
Maybe something like;
This character, will it fade and die?
Will you see past what I portray?
I wonder if, I played it true
Would you one day ask me to stay?
Just my thoughts
Celt
Hi Olav,
this is a nice song, I think that The Celts suggestion would really improve it. Good work :D .
pb
Celt
Yes I agree. Now that I take another look at it I see I used the word play/playing seven times throughout the song. I need to do some revision to that.
Your suggestion for the chorus is brilliant. Thanks. I knew something was not right in the beginning of the chorus, but I could not for the life of me come up with something different.
PB. Thanks :D
Thanks for taking the time to critique my song.
Blessings.
Olav
