Year 3 Wk 36 Dancing Girl Blues - Rated PG

Hey, the Celt,

I can see this working as a good rockin tune. Well layed out, well timed. I like the verse where you tie in more theatrical imagery... pretty clever.

I think though, that if you want something other than a rocker, you could strengthen the song by getting more into how 'she' feels. I mean, the story's been told before (and what story hasn't), so why not flush it out a bit. Does she shake when she's up there shaking it? Does she feel anything anymore? Is there a progression? Does her mother still call? Does she answer? Is there anything besides money keeping her in LA? What do her and her friends talk about at the coffee shop after the show?

I suspect that maybe that's not where you want to take the song, but I thought I'd put in my 2 cents anywho.

Yeah, I think even if it's a rock tune you've got room for just a little more emotional crap. You've got two verses, I think. Stick in a third with something about her dreams--whether she still hopes or whether her hopes have died, blah, blah. Otherwise, I like the lyrics a lot. And I can read between the lines and see most of that stuff anyway. Nice job.

Joe

Joe Wrote
Yeah, I think even if it's a rock tune you've got room for just a little more emotional crap

This is a Rocker but you both make a valid point.

Why should anybody care about this character?
All I've given you is another failed starlet who ends up
stripping and wanting to get out.

I'll have to think about it and see if I can come up with
some "emotional crap" to fill this out .
I'm think maybe a bridge might work well here.

Thanks for the input,

Celt

Hey Celt,

as a light weight rocker I think this works fine. If you wanted to get a bit deeper then maybe an outro to replace the last two lines might work. Hammer an "emotional crap" type message at the end when its least expected.
Good work :D .

pb

Hey

Thanks for the suggestions and tips.

I reworked this a bit adding a bridge and taking the money
angle out of it until the end. It still remains a fairly light weight
rocker without too much "emotional crap"(I love that phrase, Thanks Joe)

As I was reworking this I came to realize this should be thought of as
an Old Time Carnival Barker trying to entice you into seeing the show.

(BOYS AND GIRLS LADIES AND GENTS SEE AMAZING ACTS OF WONDER FOR ONLY FIFTY CENTS)

So the story most likely isn't even true. So who cares?

Ok I'll shut up now Here's the rewrite

Dancing Girl Blues

Look at her dancing up on that stage
Acting like she fell off of some magazine page
Look at her shake it
Look at her move it around
One more saturday night and
She's gonna have to blow this town

When she first came into L A thought she'd be a big star
Her name up on the marquee chaffeur driving her car
But she never heard her phone ring
She never got that come back call
And no one ever warned her
Just how far your dreams can fall

So

Look at her dancing up on that stage
Acting like she fell off of some magazine page
Look at her shake it
Look at her move it around
One more saturday night and
She's gonna have to blow this town

Bridge:

This sure as hell ain't the way she planned to make her fame
She'll be heading back to Boston with no one but herself to blame
( Ain't it a shame)

For now just

Look at her dancing up on that stage
Acting like she fell off of some magazine page
Look at her shake it
Look at her move it around
One more saturday night and
She's gonna have to blow this town

Everybody's acting in this fantasy play
She knows all of her lines and the part she must play
She'll take your beer stained dollars
Make you feel like you're a man
And tonight she'll be a big star
Though it isn't quite the way she planned

So you can,

Look at her dancing up on that stage
Acting like she fell off of some magazine page
Look at her shake it
Look at her move it around
One more saturday night and
She's gonna have to blow this town

One more saturday night and
She'll make enuogh to leave this town

I'm not sure, Celt. I love the chorus, and really I liked your song (with or without the "emotional crap") Guess I'd have to hear it with the music. It might be perfect. What springs to mind, though reading your lyrics again, is something more like:

This wasn't the way she'd hoped to see her name in lights
And tonight she'll make enough to leave her "fame" behind

(or something like that.)

If you're gonna write where she's going, make it someplace more distinct, like the Bronx, or Riverdale, Washington Heights, or even Kansas. I don't know, just a thought. Otherwise, good job on the lyrics. Enjoyed reading them again.

Joe

Thanks Joe

I see what you mean about the place name. I needed something with
two sylables to fit the music and Boston was the first place that came
to mind. Probaly because my grandsons are huge Red Sox fans.
I like Kansas though ,it congers up images of Middle America,
Dorethy,Toto and the whole gang.

Maybe Scranton or Yonkers would work too ?

The music at this point is just a
basic I - IV - V progression.

(I)----------------------------------------
Look at her dancing up on that stage
----------------------------------------------------
Acting like she fell off of some magazine page
(IV)------------------
Look at her shake it
------------------------(I)
Look at her move it around
(V)--------------------------(IV)
One more saturday night and
-------------------------------------(I)--------(V)
She's gonna have to blow this town

The bridge would be IV - I - IV - V

Thanks again

Celt

hey Celt, i like your song because its different, as most people have used the stage/actors theme as metaphors for something else. I like the chorus very much!

Wow Celt, (feel like I should be calling you Sir now, lol) you just blew me away. Never would've guessed you were a grandparent. Somehow was picturing you in your early twenties. Bet you'll get a big kick out of that one. I also thought you were male. Was I wrong about that too? (maybe I should be calling you Ma'am?) Now, see this is why I don't don't "screen names." :wink:

Joe

Hi Joe

Can't wait to tell my wife she's married to a woman in her early twenties. :?

Thanks for the compliments

I'm old enough to remember seeing The Beatles
on the Ed Sullivan Show when I was 9.

For those who know thier history that should be easy math.

I have no clue why you might think I'm female ( maybe the reference
to "Dorthey" :?:) As Muddy Waters put it "I spell it M - A - N"

I'm sure that's not the first there has been gender confusion online. :lol:

Celt

No, the gender crack was a joke. I thought you were a 20something male. I thought slowplay and pbee were women once, don't know why, think I was getting some of the names confused at first. (glad I didn't call them honey) Again, my aversion to "screen names."

Joe

Well done. Well rendered scene and situation. I think you can make it even more dramatically interesting, though, by taking us even further in the bridge. Somehow there is still something missing or something that could be improved--make us care more about the object of the song, and have more going on than that she'll be able to leave town after one more night.

(Compare the song "Face on the Cutting Room Floor" which you can see the lyrics of on http://www.poemhunter.com )

BTW, when I met my wife, she was the program director for Girls Club of Hollywood. At the time, one of the girls there in the after school program there had a mother who was a "dancer" at a club around the corner called the "Balled Eagle" [sic] where there was a backroom business as well as dancing. Periodically, when the mom was late, my wife had to go to the Balled Eagle and retrieve her. from the backroom. "Oh. Uh. She'll be out in five minutes."

The daughter would always proudly and carefully announce "my mom is a DANCER".

There's a little dramatic tension. (Not suggesting that you take your song in that particular direction. Just a relevant anecdote.)

SfDean.