Been a while since I tried Sunday Songwriters, so be gentle :lol:
I wrote about something very personal to me, something I feel has happened more than enough to me, but I'm guessing everyone feels that.
What I'm trying to write about is how easy I've gotten somewhere I wanted to be, in love, career, sports etc only to lose it once I realize how much I wanted it. Like life is teasing me with all it's wonderful experiences.
However, it needs a lot of polishing. The meter may seem off or weird, but when I sing it, I just pick up the pace and go all mraz someplaces, so that is not really an issue. But I'd be glad if you could help me rephrase or come up with ideas for new verses or a better title, maybe even a chorus. And of course, all thoughts and comments are welcome.
EDITED::
A breath is all it takes
so here I go again,
another night complaining
the injustice this unfair life throws my way
it's not the first time
certainly not the last
but every time i start, i just wish i'd stop
a breath is all it takes, a breath is all it takes
to get the split second that is all you'll need
to allow yourself the wisdom and the insight to see
that nobody gains from this
i've always been the second best
and as i see how little I've worked to get there
and continue like I did, it all falls apart
i delegate guilt
to everyone but myself
so all my accusations miss the mark
a breath is all it takes, a breath is all it takes
to get the split second that is all you'll need
to allow yourself the wisdom and the insight to see
that nobody gains from this
i've always lived in the shadow
of what i could've been
floating carelessly around on a cloud
the higher i aim
the further i could fall
i can't live my life without chasing my dreams
a breath was all it took, a breath was all it ever took
to get the split second that was all I'd need
to allow myself the wisdom and the insight to see
that i'm free
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
Hi manontheside,
yeah good start. What Id like to see is a chorus that expands on the breath concept, eg why is a breath all you need, or maybe how you feel about being seduced by the the rush you get from the breath ( im glad I didnt read your song before I submitted mine, theres a similar theme in here I think). Nice ending, Id would leave that alone thats good. Well done :D and keep em comming.
pb
A breath is all it takes
OKay before I even start reading, I like the title. Keep it.
so here I go again,
another night complaining
the unjustice this unfair life throws my way
it's not the first time
certainly not the last
but every time i start, i just wish i'd stop
I like this, just change unjustice to injustice--or else say, "It's unjust the unfairness thrown my way. But I like your way better so just change "u" to "i"
i delegate guilt
to everyone but myself
so all my accusations, they are wrong
I like that part.
a breath is all it takes, a breath is all it takes
i've always lived in the shadow
of what i could've been
never been thankful for the joys in my life
always aiming higher,
the sky is the limit
till it all fell down like a house of cards
I like the beginning of the previous verse, but something about the last two lines didn't feel right. Lemme think...ouch...oh, maybe something like "sometimes aiming higher just makes it farther to fall," or something like that.
Other than that, I like it. Oh, one more thing, I said I like the title and I do, but I do think maybe you need to elaborate just slightly on what you mean by a breath is all it takes as far as your success and failure, maybe add a line like, "'Cause in just one breath...." in your chorus, and fill in the blank, of course. Anyway, thanks for the read. Look forward to the next one.
Joe
In addition to all the good stuff Joe and Pbee have said, I think the following line could use a bit of polish (like you said in your opening paragraph):
so all my accusations, they are wrong
Whenever you find yourself bending grammar to make a line fit, make sure to revisit the line later. In this case there's lots of room to say the same thing, using the same number of syllables, while at the same time making it stronger. For example:
so all my accusations, are dead wrong
so all my accusations, miss the mark
an innocent man wrongfully accused
Whatever works.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Now see, that part didn't bother me, 'cause I sort of read it with a pause or even a shrug, and grammatically it's not really incorrect.
"So all my accusations..." pause--shrug, whatever--"They're dead wrong." Maybe the contraction will help make it sound more natural, or even--They were--but otherwise, I didn't have a problem with that. I hear that a lot in songs, in fact. Good songs. And I like the sound of it. Kind of like a way of emphasizing.
Joe
Wow, lots of replies here, thanks! :)
I'll sit down and play around a bit and edit when I'm done.
Thanks again for the help!
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
Hey Man on the side,
I know you play well, so I hope we are going to get a sample of this !!!!!
Go well
Ja'mir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Hey Man on the side,
I know you play well, so I hope we are going to get a sample of this !!!!!
Go well
Ja'mir
Yes please from me too! A musical version would be great. :D
I liked the theme, and there were some nice singable images in there that could pop out and stick in the mind afterwards.
But I couldn't figure out how to sing it. So I'd appreciate hearing how you do it. As a rank beginner in the singing stakes (with the emphasis on rank) I learn a lot from listening to how people treat their material.
Cheers, Chris
I'm adding a somewhat sketchy take out on dmusic now,
It's as good as I can get it as far as sound goes, I've tried to clear the vocal as best I can.. Also, a bit awful as the vocals start, been playing around with an intro. I'm pretty sure I could perform better, but I have to practice more first :)
Give it a listen and tell me what you think :)
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
manontheside,
Great! What a difference hearing the music, not just reading the words. Loved the guitar. Good stuff. G. :)
