SSG Year 5 - week 12 - sarah

Hi Sarah,

I've read this over a number of times . . . . . then come back to it and read it again. I don't know if it fulfills this weeks assignment, but that aside, it's a really striking piece of work. To me there's lots of really good mind imagery. The one thing that I seem to stumble on each time I read it, though, is one of the rhyming patterns.
The shiny white linoleum
Squeals beneath my feet
I've not doubt that this hospital
Is where I'm meant to be

And later you use "feet" again, this time with "me"

Both times it makes me feel that you're trying to rhyme (maybe not) . . . . but it seems like it's forced. If you're not trying to rhyme then maybe you could use words that are less similar . . . . .and if a rhyme is meant . . . . maybe make it work with a word more seamless like "meet"

Too, I think it's common for us not to like our own work. But you have reason to like this one.

Neil

Thanks for the response and the feedback, chefie.

I put myself in the shoes of someone I don't know and imagined her psyche and motivations. Not sure if that was quite what the assignment was about, but it was a ride.

As one sings vowels instead of consonants, I've found I can get away from perfect rhyme and drop last consonants on one of the lines and have it sound like a good rhyme when sung, even if it looks awkward when written.

I dunno. I'm open to thoughts.

Sarah,

I like what you've done here and I think the 2 lines that chefie alludes are probably a little awkward on the read, of course when they're sung its a different story. I think this is a good song regardless of your doubts.

cheers

Paul

Hi

I won't mention what has already been mentioned as "The read " is always different to the singing...I've been caught too many times ..

Would love to hear it just hear what Chefie mentioned ....

Well Done

Trevor

Sarah,

There's some very good writing in this song. It did take a couple of
reads to get the feel but (as said before) it could be very different
when sung.

John

I like the different direction you've took with this....the explanation pre-song helps, but the song's strong enough to stand on its own anyway....

Usually, when I'm reading the songs in here, I try and put a melody to them, get a general feel for the song.....this one's a bit tricky to categorise, although I can see it being done with some soft acoustic guitar and a choir for the chorus...I'd be interested to know what you've got in mind music-wise?

Nice writing, anyway...

:D :D :D

Vic

Hi Sarah

A very good piece here - very introspective.

If I didn't know it was about kittens would have sworn it was about orphans. Read with that i mind it becomes very powerful.

Good stuff

Bob :wink: