SSG11 - Week 15 - Johnny's got a Gun - mp3

Hi Paul,

A bit of a dark one this time.

The gist of it reads well.
Johnny’s got a gun he says he’s gonna use it
Pity anyone who gets in his road
He’s the kind of guy that won’t let go

This part could use a bit more refining....."says" to who?........"get in his road" seems like an unrelated image
"won't let go" of what?......an idea? Maybe that can be spelled out in the 3rd line as a replacement.

"But you don’t know him like I do".....so what is the relationship with the singer and Johnny.....he or she seems to have more pride in "I told you so" than any remorse or attempt to help change or stop Johnny's actions.

..........just some questions to consider..........I imagine this to be slow and in a minor.

Kudos for getting one posted so quickly.....I'm still looking around for an idea :|

Mp3?

James

Hi Paul,

Nice story line. I wonder if it might me stronger if you led us in a little deeper. Seems you challenged us a little too soon as to where this story is going. And I do have a question with the first verse. Else where you've been consistent in portraying Johnny in such a way that the clues are there that he's more a danger to himself than anyone else. The first verse has me thinking of a possible road rage killing where he's a danger to other people. I think a few more verses would really help.
Can't wait for the mp3.

Neil

I felt like I was watching a stage magician. Presto Chango, the rabbit appears out of his sleeve when I was expecting it to comem out of the hat.
Great idea for a song, I;ve been exploring some dark ideas for this weeks topic (my mind always seems to go automatically to the dark).
When I first read the title, I thought it would be similar to "Jennies Got A Gun" which was popular in the 80's or 90's. If I femember correctly, that song was about a girl who had been abused.
Your song starts by giving the impression that he will shoot up the world (quite a current topic) but suddenly does the 180 to being about suicide.
Maybe you are missing a bridge that ties the two sections together.

Paul,

I have to agree with the rest of the post. What you have is good but I'm
left wanting a bit more of the story. The twist is great but you really didn't
bring us from point A to point B.

John

Thanks for the feedback guys

James
This part could use a bit more refining....."says" to who?........"get in his road" seems like an unrelated image
yes good point, see change to verse 1.

Neil, Andy, John
...you really didn't bring us from point A to point B..

agreed. Trouble is I dont want to give it away too soon so the current plan is to use the last bridge/chorus to bring it together in rerospect so to speak, we'll see how that goes.

cheers

Paul

mp3 posted here: http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=12160801

Hi Paul,

Sounding good :mrgreen:

I'm wondering if it might be stronger leaving out the reference to the singer.
"But you don’t know him like I do/did" because the reference only adds confusion as to why the singer didn't intervene in some way.

.....also, I'm not sure the last line invites the listener into the song, but maybe it's a personal preference on my part.

There is a dark song by Sufjan Stevens that does a similar delivery by "humanizing" a serial killer "John Wayne Gacy Jr" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otx49Ko3fxw but that's not an easy line to walk

Thanks for the mp3

James

Thanks James,
I appreciate the comments, you've zoomed in on the 2 parts of the song that I have vacillated over.

how about this
And you thought you knew
Where this story went where it brought us to
But you didn't know him like I did
Misunderstood and now he’s free

He's he kind of guy that's just like me

This way the reason he didn't intervene is because he is Johnny.

My original intention for that line in fact the whole bridge was to pose a little challenge to the listener, probably being too smart for my own boots though :D .

cheers

Paul